As with most of the situations I've read on this board, mine is complicated. Let me try to clear it up:
- W filed for divorce almost 1 year ago - I resisted (a lot) in the first few months, did all the wrong things (begged, pleaded, cried, pursued) - We physically separated 9 months ago and split up financial accounts and assets (property, vehicles, cash, retirement accounts) - Since the separation, she has taken no action to finalize the divorce. In fact, she missed our first court date and keeps asking me when "our" court dates are!?! - It's like she's perfectly ok with maintaining this separated state and I don't know why. - To answer your question, she is "getting" nothing from still being married. Everything is separated and we are both supporting ourselves at this point - She is certainly not getting any emotional needs met by me because we have very little contact. - Also, no cake-eating from her.
That's it in a nutshell.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
I cannot fathom how WW's refuse to acknowledge that there were any good times in their marriage.
Any WW's out there that can shed some light on this? Is it all emotion and zero logic? How do they allow themselves to be driven purely on emotion? It must be a terrible way to go thru life.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
Thriver, Don't waste your time dwelling on this. It's just fog induced, revisionist history. Nothing you can do to change WW's mind right now so don't try. It will just make matters worse. Instead, focus on the things you can control.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
The pursuer/distancer dynamic does not exist in our relationship. I pull back and W couldn't care less.
I get this as well. All WW can do with me is two emotional states. Angry or very angry. Funny, no apathy yet.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Any WW's out there that can shed some light on this? Is it all emotion and zero logic? How do they allow themselves to be driven purely on emotion? It must be a terrible way to go thru life.
Yes, all emotional based and no logic describes the WW. It is a destructive way to go through life, but she can't really see it at this point. Negative feelings toward you and the M may have been the beginning of her emotions getting out front of her decision making. At some point, her ego was fed by OM and her emotions leaped into high gear b/c she wantedt more of what he had to offer. It grew and the A became exciting, which fueled the emotions driving it.
She may have wanted a D when she was heavy into the A, but if she's been dumped by OM then she could be feeling a some emotional insecurity. Some women think they just have to have a man at all times.
We have learned that cherial cheaters often find a different OM to start another A or rely on the H to be her backup plan, until she can find better. That 'could' be her reason for dragging her feet about the D papers. Pure speculation on my part.
The D is a decision you have to make for yourself. To proceed in hopes it will shake her to her senses is a gamble. Nobody really knows how she may react. By reading your posts, I don't think she has remorse for her actions. Her reactions to what you said about her lack of remore, alone, is evident she is still wayward in her heart, even if she's not in an active A, presently.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the responses everyone. Sorry it took so long to reply - been GAL'ing all weekend.
Quote:
Yes, all emotional based and no logic describes the WW. It is a destructive way to go through life, but she can't really see it at this point.
Sandi (or other WWs), do you think WWs ever "see it" or do they go through life letting emotions drive every decision?
Do they ever find true happiness or do they just "think" that they are happy at the moment? I ask because my WW has stated that she is happy without me. I'm currently GAL and making positive changes in my life (for me) but this statement from her makes me think "Why would she ever want to come back then?"
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
She may have wanted a D when she was heavy into the A, but if she's been dumped by OM then she could be feeling a some emotional insecurity. Some women think they just have to have a man at all times.
We have learned that cherial cheaters often find a different OM to start another A or rely on the H to be her backup plan, until she can find better. That 'could' be her reason for dragging her feet about the D papers. Pure speculation on my part.
Thriver, how long of a marriage does your jurisdiction consider a "long-term marriage" for purposes of spousal support? It's possible she may not being "emotional" about her strategy at all. Anything special kick in at 5 years of marriage, or 15 years of long-term relationship ("common law marriage")?
