Ummm.....ever looked at any of the writings on narcissists? Does any of it seem like it fits your H?
I ask because I used to have these conversations with my ex. He was kind of an insecure narcissist - it was TERRIBLY important to him what others thought of him, and I was, by extension, a representation of HIM.
Now I'll be the first to admit that I have never been a fashion diva - more of a blue jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. And it's true that my curvy figure (even when very thin) looks better in certain cuts of clothes.
But I remember him wrinkling his nose as I would dress for some event and saying "Are you going to wear THAT?", as if I had just put on a burlap sack instead of an attractive outfit.
(Just for reference - my current boyfriend, who is a major clotheshorse himself, always COMPLIMENTS me on how nicely I dress! Go figure!)
The thing is, your H is ONLY thinking about how you might reflect on HIM, and if he's anything like my ex, he may be overly-focused on any real or imagined figure flaws rather than seeing a realistic picture of you. (My ex has OCD and couldn't just focus his critical eye on himself, he had to also focus it on me.)
No advice here on how to handle it, except to say just dress to please yourself if you want, and don't let his negativity contaminate your view of yourself.
(Oddly enough, my ex was always into the idea of me dressing like a businesswoman type - suit, white dress shirt unbuttoned a little too far kind of thing - which really didn't fit my slightly hippie earth momma sensitivities. Now he's married to a much younger woman who dresses like a teen! )
Job I did not wait until I was calm, but I was "nice" and to the point. I told my H that I appreciate his offers of help, but that this has been an issue with us in the past and I was not dealing with it, told H that I will be dressed for the occasion and that I will not embarrass him, cause I had no plans on embarrassing myself. I told him he was causing me anxiety and stress in getting prepared for this wedding, told him he takes the fun out of clothes shopping. I again told him I will find something that I like and that I feel good in.
H said not one word....I ended the call with Have a great day and hung up.
I felt relief, it felt like what I needed to do.
KML My H does feel like how I look, act etc reflects on him, he has told my son, how present ourselves reflects on our entire family. My H says he does not care what others think of him. We have had way too many conversations, arguments about him "helping" me to dress when we are going to an event together, sometimes he would try to "help" when I went out with my friends. Its just old and I'm tired of it. Yes sometimes I'm not sure about an outfit and I will ask his opinion.
I agree my H is only thinking about, how I look in a certain outfit and how that reflects back on him.
The crazy thing is when I go out with friends most of the time H compliments me on my outfit, he has even accused me in the past of putting more time and energy into how I look when going out with friends. I told him it was because I was not stress dressing, and that it not all the pressure of getting dressed to go someplace with him.
You know what,,,this is crazy, this is my "room mate" that is the role he wants, so stay in that role. I pray he got the message loud and clear and does not open his mouth in a negative way about the dress I end up selecting for this wedding.
H does or use to always tells me how beautiful I am, H does compliments me on my hair often, but his "help" when its come to my clothes...comes off as negative.
I just know he is not going to let it go, I swear this is insane.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/12/1502:09 AM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
So today I get home from my hair apt. H says to me FYI: When your hair is curly...I don't like it...it makes your face look fatter..." "I like your hair straight like this, makes your face thinner, looks good on you"
He then said "I try not to say anything about your hair styles cause I know you get sensitive"
WTF
I told him FYI: "I like to wear my hair in different styles and not always just straight". "I like my hair curly and I like my hair straight" My hair is curly, and takes a lot to straighten..so now I usually only have my hair dresser flat iron my hair straight.
I know... I know my H is depressed and I know he is not happy with himself, so I know he is trying to poke the bear (me), trying to get negative reactions from me.
I will stay on the high road as much as I can.
My H is a fool.
I stop myself from responding in the childish, angry way I wanted to respond.
Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/13/1505:17 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
He needs a doll baby that he can play dress up w/and change the hairstyles to his liking. He's really a PIA about the way you look isn't he?
If you are happy w/your hair and the styles that you use, that's all that matters. Apparently he doesn't have any control in his own life and he's trying to control your life. Gosh, the man can't take a hint when you tell him that you are wearing this or doing your hair a certain way.
You are doing so well. I'm glad you aren't allowing him to dictate what you are doing w/your personal self.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.
I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want. Would be nice if H would finally get on board.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Job this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.
I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want. Would be nice if H would finally get on board.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Job this has been going on since almost day 1 of our R. He has never gotten the hint and never will.
I will dress for myself, I will continue to wear my hair the way I want. Would be nice if H would finally get on board.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, kml hit on something that you might want to reflect on...could he be an insecure narcissist? Do you recall if he mentioned whether or not his parents did this appearance stuff? He definitely has an issue w/how you look, i.e., you as an extension to him.
Is he like this in other areas of his life as well? What about your son? Does he try to dress him too?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job H grew up very poor. His mom always made sure they were neat and clean. H hated the hand me down clothes. YES he also does this with s14, especially if we are all going someplace as a family. He has an issue with how s14 wears his hair, but I told H to leave it alone, as long as its neat and clean.
I have come to realize my H is not as cobfident as he wants the world to believe.
Bright, I have told H how it makes me feel. Been nice about it, been mean...he had let it go it seemed like at BD he stopped harassing me, but recently it has restarted and I know its the upcoming family wedding.
Im going to try my best to just ignore H.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
