Toots, Bea is right...MLCers are more generous in the beginning of their crisis than later on. Once they are on the divorce path, they become more stingy and do not want to divide things up equally. Also, if he's willing to give you things, you need to get it in writing because those verbal agreements will change as he travels the yellow brick road.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Toots - I have noticed that MLCers are often more generous in the early stages.
If he is offering a good settlement I would take it. Divorce is just a piece of paper and if he ever comes out of his crisis then you can always get re-married.
Fact is that our marriages are over at bomb drop and sometimes it is only with the divorce that the LBS truly gets it and drops the rope. Divorce is also the ultimate boundary.
Bea is correct that as time moves along they sometimes get more angry and less generous.
Aw Toots, you're dealing with such tough stuff ATM. So if I understand correctly, if you file under 2 years then the person who does the filing needs to provide a reason. So H wants you to file, so that you can use the A as the reason. Meanwhile he wants D, but doesn't want to file because he doesn't want to have to provide a reason (because he knows this is on him). Is that right?
In terms of you being haunted by any reason he gives - maybe you can see this for what it is: H making stuff up so that he can D for his own crazy reasons. Nothing more. In the end, I think it is up to you to decide whether to let that haunt you or just chuck it in the BS waste basket and devote your headspace elsewhere.
You've mentioned a bit lately about not having much hope these days...but we all have hope for Toots. This is all really big and scary and awful, but you've got so much going for you outside of this. Maybe a decision to R would mean missing out on some other amazing opportunity just around the corner...?
(((Toots)))
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks so much for your input guys. That's interesting to know that MLCers tend to be more generous in the early stages. I'm keen to get financials sorted, and it looks as though H will only agree to that if we D. He knows D isn't what I want, I'm not going to keep telling him that.
I've emailed to say that what he's proposing seems fair - subject to our L's receiving disclosures and doing checks etc. I've also told him that I won't agree to file and that he'll need to do that. I've told him I'm willing to discuss the 'unreasonable behaviour' grounds if he chooses to file. But I've also said my preference is we settle finances now and consider a 'no fault' D in a year's time.
No response yet. Feeling strong and steady in myself now. And Gan, thanks for feeling optimistic for me.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cadet, WOW !! Reading this, I see my H. He was so generous & nice at the beginning, now almost 2 months into it....all I see is anger at the moment. I guess this is all the normal steps.
They are more generous in the early stages because they want out and will agree to anything just to get the situation finalized. As they begin to move further along the path, people begin to talk to them about what they are doing in the way of dividing the assets and advise them not to give so much of it away. The OP has a way of pushing that they give less than agreed upon to the spouse in any area. That's why it's very important to strike while the iron is hot.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Cindy, two months in is very early stages in MLC. My BD1 was in March 2014. But I was also interested to read about the generosity in the early stages. I can see that as MLC goes on and the cheeseless tunnels unfold, the MLCer starts to feel pretty fed up and hard done to.
At this point, my H is of the mindset that what he needs is a new family. And he just wants to shed me and our M and forge forward with that. I'm not even sure he has OW just now. Last I heard he was still on/off with AP and dating. The new family may or may not work out for him. It's hard for me to think of him with a new wife and new children potentially. But it is what it is, and there isn't much I can do about it. He will do what he will do. Equally, I wouldn't want to see him unhappy.
I realised today that with his proposed settlement, H couldn't even afford to buy our city flat outright. We co-own that with a friend, and H may want to buy him out. But he'd have to get a mortgage to do that. I'm in a cheaper area and would be able to buy a place outright and have savings too. I guess it's given me a little boost really.
Oh well, I guess it's early days in all of this and we'll see how things unfold. Thanks so much for taking the time to post everyone xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about you--I never could!
You are in my daily thoughts and prayers.
Please remember, you are not alone in this, even though it may seem like it. So many people on this forum love you!
Here's a Bible verse I find very comforting:
“Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20 NLT).
xoxo
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Toots ... I know this is rough, but you are really handling it as you should, stlye and grace, but also watching out and protecting yourself.
I will say this... this is never what we want nor would I ever wish this on someone. My W pressed D seriously 3 times, I went with the "Not what I want but I'll be fine" act ... and it was an act for the first two. The last one, to be honest I wanted off the rollercoaster but more than that I just felt at ease, and if that D was what she needed to be happy, I wanted her to be happy after watching her for years be miserable and drag me down with her. I faced the fact that if OM made her happy and they truly loved each other, he could put up with her stuff .. then more power to them, I knew I might need the D just as much to close this wound and as Cadet said truly drop the rope.
So the 3rd round came, I actually made an appt as fast as possible, gathered all my info up as soon as I could ... even went to the banks and pulled statements from the BD period (At that time was about 1 1/2 years) I had pegged her on an agreeable separation date, knew where we were at that time, could prove she emptied about 7k out of the accounts, also ensured I was not on the hook for her 30k loan, Basically my ducks were in a row, I knew what I was entitled to legally and I was not going to move from that point.
I am not sure if this wil lwork in your case, your H seems pretty emotionally detached .. as mine never really cut that and always called out for help ... but I do know she needed to know I would allow the D ... this I think set her free to think about things.
I was OK with the D at that point, I truly was ... and even now I am still ok, heck financially I would be better off, but I am taking things as they come.
We never want this, but sometimes you have to give them what they think is holding them back in order for them to have a chance at coming out the other side ... it is just a piece of paper ... but a very binding thing for them. He may give this all a good solid look and think ... ummmmm .. this is not what I want. Or it may release him ... either way its going to move things.
Hi Toots. You seem to be rushing at this a wee bit. The D is my what you want End of. Why would you file ?
Take the settlement Secure your financial future and let H do what he wants re D I see people saying that D is just a piece of paper and I respect thier opinion
This isn't the case for you Just my pennies worth Toots I'm a huge fan of yours and as such will back any choice you make
