The new normal

[Smothy]

I believe my 'fog' kept me in hurt and pain longer than it should. I am still learning to detach and working on myself. There is still a long way to go, despite it being a cliche, with time it is getting better.

I think the 'fog' prevented me from looking back at our M objectively. I took the blame for a long time and thought it was me that destroyed the M. It wasn't healthy despite 20 years married.

[Zues126]

It made me think of our WAS's. I always assumed they were in a fog so thick they couldn't see out of it. Now I'm realizing it's possible they do get the entire sitch better than we think, but they don't want to have to let go of the addiction.

Good discussion.

When I originally posted this is was meant as a tool to help with detachment. When we think our WAS's are in a fog it comes with an 'expectation' that they will snap out of it someday. When we consider maybe they know exactly what they are doing and they just don't intend to change...that's when we look in the mirror and ask why we're clinging to the rope.

As for the LBS script and/or LBS fog...I think co-dependency is a BIG deal for many LBS's. Specifically the need to control and be in control of our WAS, the sitch, everything. Maybe from a fear of not being ok on our own, or not being worthy of love, or whatever.

I'm NOT talking about a healthy desire for a lasting M based on beliefs...because frankly that desire isn't emotionally based, it's belief based. That's what keeps people walking this path long after their positive feelings have left, and even when some negative feelings have surfaced in their place.

No, I'm talking about the need to control. I think about AA, and how spouses of alcoholics spend their life trying to manage their partners drinking. I've never had to go through that and always thought it was pretty crazy. It seems so obvious to say "you can't stop them from drinking, just get the heck away from Dodge and take care of yourself". Yet it seduces millions.

But now I see how entwined we get with our spouses. So many LBS's are so fixated on their WAS's coming out of the fog. And so fixated on their WAS's bad behavior. But maybe we chose spouses that behaved poorly in an attempt to marry down because we figured they wouldn't leave us, or that they'd need us so much they'd let us be controlling, or it would take focus off our problems.

I really urge all LBS's to remain humble. We were doing the dance with the WAS's, we just had and continue to have different roles. Feelings are misleading and change a lot for a long time. I think the key is to stop dancing and be patient. Easy to say. But not so easy to do.

[MrBond]

Smothy,

That's not what the "fog" means.

[SunnyB]

Here, Zues, let me bump this up for you......

[Zues126]

Thanks for the nudge Sunny. Inertia.

Goals below. Right now work is my biggest priority. Make no mistake, being a dad is more important, but I'm doing awesome as a dad. Really. Everything is really groovy. But man, I'm 8 months into my 'new' job and it's still tough. It's kind of a cool sales role that has a ton of politics, management, and of course sales involved and I've heard from many people it took over a year for them to really hit stride, and I'm right on track...but it's HARD work every week to build. Like starting a business. But I need it to work so I can eventually get a house suitable for my three kids (right now all three kids share a room...not ideal as my son is 11 now, I'd like to have a new place in 1 year).

Then I want to be in better shape and have my ducks a bit more in a row. I'm off maybe 20 pounds from being pretty trim. I was almost there last winter, then when I started this job and moved I backslid. Doh. Back to the gym. Also, 'new routines' is about making habits out of things STBX used to do as a SAHM. Bills, laundry, etc. I'm having a hard time keeping the place as nice as I'd like.

Long term I'd like to finalize my D this year, move into a bigger place and get a bigger/newer car next year, and then be an in shape, high income earner with a baller car/house...all while continuing to work on myself...so in two years I'm feeling good about who I am both on the outside and inside. That's when I plan on finding the right woman.

Of course, life doesn't always go that way...but it's something to work towards.

All in all, things are pretty cool. Thanks for all the support y'all!

[SunnyB]

Nice job there, Zues. I think I missed that you had a mediation date set, how are you feeling about that?

As far as routines go, especially when I was working I found it helpful to actually write out what I needed to accomplish before work, right after work, and then later in the evening. I use an app to check them off, kept me on track. I had a morning routine, an afternoon routine, and evening routine, and one for each day of the week, in addition to weekly cleaning and more zone-focused cleaning. Really helpful.

[Zues126]

I don't think I mentioned my mediation date. My D feels like a non-event at this point. I continue to try to do my part. For example, I still work with my DB coach and IC. I have followed her advice on having some friendly exchanges when we swap kids, and sending her an email that was designed to 'instill goodwill' prior to mediation, etc.

As for the idea of our M, it doesn't look like it's in the cards. I'm not saying it's impossible, but STBX would have to want to make it work, and change and grow herself. She has never showed any waffling on the D, and has equally not shown any interest in stepping out of her destructive lifestyle. Absolutely it is devastating to watch the M go, knowing the stats on second marriages and how much potential was lost. But it really is her decision and I've worked hard to come to terms with it. I won't say she's incapable of doing her part, because the future is unknown. But my two year plan doesn't involve her or any other women, so I'll beat to my own drum and not be looking over my shoulder. If she surprises me we can reevaluate, otherwise I'll be ready to invest in a marriage that can go the distance.

So feeling ok about all of this, although I still find myself put off by people that talk of divorce casually (or really at all). I didn't chime in on the abuse thread because I didn't know how to say this without minimizing the points zelda's trying to make. I AGREE with her. The problem is that all of the definitions of abuse tend to be so vague. I think the victims of abuse don't always know it, and on the flip side I think many WAS's that weren't in an abusive M claim they were. So I still get a bit exasperated listening to people justify blowing up their families by making themselves victims when they simply weren't accountable for their own happiness and boundaries...yet I want people that are true abuse victims that are being hurt to protect themselves and not permit being mistreated. Bottom line, I support taking a few years to rebuild your own life and seeing what happens, but that's just my journey. Back to feelings- I think this is my biggest hang up, is I'm still fairly disdainful of people that leave marriages.

As for organization, you're right...I use a things to do list at work which is why I'm employed. Ug. Your routines are what I need. I think I need to do that. Just need to get started.

Thanks Sunny.

[PigPen]

Great goals Zues. Didn't realize your situation was moving along towards mediation either. Is that new?

It sounds like you're in a great place and are only going to move into a better one, keep up the positive momentum.

[gr8ful3]

Zeus,

I'm really impressed with your state of mind as you go into mediation. I wish I could get to the point where I was looking at a future and could see myself being happy and thriving by myself w/o my H, on my own!

I know you didn't get to this point without a lot of hard work and self discovery on your part. So congratulations!

I guess I still have a lot of work to do! 😐

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. I forgot one goal- being appreciative. Every day I'm grateful that I've been given relief from the suffering I went through. Doesn't make the loss any less significant. But to be fair, some of that was the universe telling me what I was doing wasn't working. I wasn't a good husband, and this is the feedback that I need to make some changes. I don't know that making good decisions will be rewarded the way "I" want, but I've made enough messes out of my life trying to get what I think is best. Time to be a good dad, employee, and in my religious moments servant of God. I may not get what I thought I wanted, but I'm being shown how to want what I get. That's so much more important.