I meant tips and advice to help me move on. How yo live in the same house while DB but divorced. Not in terms of mind reading.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Only for the 7 weeks I am in the Uk. We have not discussed any thing yet in relations to house etc.
For two of those I will be away. STBX will be away for his work for a few days. I have lots of activities planned for when I get back too.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Hi Py, I haven't written any thing because I am feeling a bit flat. I am cycling in my head a lot of things that has been written in the last few days.
I think I am beginning to let the rope go, though when I read about certain situations my heart still feels 'heavy' from some triggers. However, I am not overwhelmed and using this to help me to let it go.
I wrote about my 'fog' and as Mr Bond pointed out not in the right definition as of DB. For me I do feel something has lifted and made me see more clearly and almost objectively.
Spoke to DS yesterday and STBX and DS will be there to pick me up from the airport. DS does not know anything about the situation.
A dear friend has suggested I make some new friends on a dating site and use this to help me get back on my feet, confidence wise, detach and GAL when I get back to the UK. Is this a good idea? I have been on for 48 hours and asked out for lots of dates. It certainly gives confidence a boost when we know we are wanted elsewhere. I am not looking for a someone new. I am no way near ready for any of that.
My wanting to R with H is still there, but is no longer my overwhelming driving force of how I feel.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Hi Py, I haven't written any thing because I am feeling a bit flat. I am cycling in my head a lot of things that has been written in the last few days.
Flat can be good. Its better than frantic or depressed. What things are cycling?
I think I am beginning to let the rope go, though when I read about certain situations my heart still feels 'heavy' from some triggers. However, I am not overwhelmed and using this to help me to let it go.
I wrote about my 'fog' and as Mr Bond pointed out not in the right definition as of DB. For me I do feel something has lifted and made me see more clearly and almost objectively.
Spoke to DS yesterday and STBX and DS will be there to pick me up from the airport. DS does not know anything about the situation.
Whoa! This is gonna be hard. I would forget about talking to H. This is gonna be all about son. So what is the plan? You are going to pretend to be a happy family when you get home, drive from the airport, sleep off jet lag? Its your call, my kids are young, and not your son anyway. How will he take being left in the dark, and even arguably misled for months?
A dear friend has suggested I make some new friends on a dating site and use this to help me get back on my feet, confidence wise, detach and GAL when I get back to the UK. Is this a good idea? I have been on for 48 hours and asked out for lots of dates. It certainly gives confidence a boost when we know we are wanted elsewhere. I am not looking for a someone new. I am no way near ready for any of that.
I would be wary of it. But hey, if you can maintain it judiciously as a self-prescribed source of medication then that's a good thing. Going from where you are to "dating" in a few weeks might be a bit extreme. I fully believe in practising as you go, but I know I couldn't handle it in my schedule. I mean the sort of things I want to sort out for myself, introducing anyone else would be a big problem.
My wanting to R with H is still there, but is no longer my overwhelming driving force of how I feel.
Keep it up. It shouldn't be your driving force. Possibly not even any force. This is for you Smothy. When you get over this, and you are the new Smothy, ready for a R, H will still be there, and so will YOUR only option that you have now - that you are open to reconciliation if that is on the cards.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
In 5 days, I will be leaving to go back to the UK. I have been thinking a lot of how I got to this situation. I think about Zues, card playing analogy a lot. I feel my abusive behaviour was playing all the low cards. The lowest card H played was with his EA.
Py, your posts about what you needed from your W before you could think about completely letting go also resonates. What do I need before I can get there? I think I need to see H first and for him to tell me why? Why was did he file while I was abroad? Why could he not wait? Lots lots more why questions. This is definitely not healthy and not making the detachment easier. Knowing the futility of going down this road still does not stop it.
However, when thinking about these questions, I find myself strangely flat and sad. Sometimes angry. sometimes giving me empowerment to feel that I will be ok. I will make it through. Lots of people telling me that I am attractive, intelligent, worth waiting for, also saddens me as well. Why does my H not see these things? I am no longer filled with anxiety when I think of my M being over.
My return to the UK will test my strength and courage to the fullest. I am scared that the progress I have made, changing my core beliefs, control and recognising my emotions are not true. Have I been kidding myself that the changes are real? Sustainable? Especially when faced with a situation that has moved from ML, I love you (these were H's behaviour the day I left) to here is the Decree Nisi. How am I suppose to act/react when I am in a situation which has gone from one extreme to another?
My heart is heavy when faced with these. I am not thinking of any particular script or situations. I know DB suggests treating H like a friendly neighbour. How do I do this when I no longer know who this person is? Will he be hostile, angry, ignore me? I think I am mostly cycling in my head all of the unknowns I will face when I am back.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
In 5 days, I will be leaving to go back to the UK. I have been thinking a lot of how I got to this situation. I think about Zues, card playing analogy a lot. I feel my abusive behaviour was playing all the low cards. The lowest card H played was with his EA.
Py, your posts about what you needed from your W before you could think about completely letting go also resonates. What do I need before I can get there? I think I need to see H first and for him to tell me why? Why was did he file while I was abroad? Why could he not wait? Lots lots more why questions. This is definitely not healthy and not making the detachment easier. Knowing the futility of going down this road still does not stop it.
It has been a long drawn out game Smothy. Then the cards were reshuffled, things seemed OK, but then H played lowest card again whilst abroad. Hard to come up with anything to support this behaviour. Callous, cowardly, at best NOT honourable.
You know your questions. Answer them. With the best answer and the worst. Consider that you don’t even need to ask tem. i.e. H did wait for you to come home. Filing for D was mutual, or at least as close to as possible.
However, when thinking about these questions, I find myself strangely flat and sad. Sometimes angry. sometimes giving me empowerment to feel that I will be ok. I will make it through. Lots of people telling me that I am attractive, intelligent, worth waiting for, also saddens me as well. Why does my H not see these things? I am no longer filled with anxiety when I think of my M being over.
Chances are your H does see these things Smothy. But they are not a reason to hold off D. He probably also sees these things in OW. It hurts. There is no way around this.
My return to the UK will test my strength and courage to the fullest. I am scared that the progress I have made, changing my core beliefs, control and recognising my emotions are not true. Have I been kidding myself that the changes are real? Sustainable? Especially when faced with a situation that has moved from ML, I love you (these were H's behaviour the day I left) to here is the Decree Nisi. How am I suppose to act/react when I am in a situation which has gone from one extreme to another?
Firstly, stop telling yourself it has gone from 1 extreme to the other. This makes it harder for you. You haven’t gone from the perfect M to D in a matter of months. You may have genuinely thought that last year was your best yet, but it doesn’t seem that your H was feeling the same way.
Backsliding is always a risk. So you may/will slide. Get back up and start again. Or don’t. You can choose that too. So does that answer your question? ☺
The changes are real. How big and complete they are is another story. Are they permanent. I doubt they can be. They can be erased, modified, maintained. Its your choice.
My heart is heavy when faced with these. I am not thinking of any particular script or situations. I know DB suggests treating H like a friendly neighbour. How do I do this when I no longer know who this person is? Will he be hostile, angry, ignore me? I think I am mostly cycling in my head all of the unknowns I will face when I am back.
Nobody knows how he will be. Not even him. Your son will be there, that should be your focus. Presumably you will have time alone at some stage. I think you will probably both go through angry, hostile, sad, teary, even happy maybe. I realize it is impossible but try not to think about it.
I would recommend active listening. That’s all. Don’t have things rehearsed per se. Know what questions you want to ask him, but try not to replay possible conversations in your head for the next 5 days. Only need to tell yourself, now and then, repeatedly. Listen to what he is actually saying. Respond to what he is actually saying. Ask questions about what he has said. Include part of what he said in your response. Not arbitrarily, but genuinely. As in I am responding to what you said about …..
This is the most important time for you to appear as though you are not trying to control anything. The more scripted it is, the more it will show through, and more importantly, you ARE trying to control the outcome if you are practising. Don’t try and change his mind. I suspect this will make things worse. Get your answers, make your position clear, respect his and move on to what you do have and what you can control.
Assuming you want what basically I do, that is M, it is not going to come to you through anything you say in this respect. Anything you say will likely be interpreted as more of the same that makes D necessary. He has to want the M himself.
In making yourself into the best possible you that H will want (maybe!!!), you will go round the merry-go-round again and again. You will want him, then not want him etc. Just as now. In the meantime everything will change, you will change, he will change, OW will change.
This isn’t an evaluation or re-evaluation occasion. Your H most likely does not consider one at all. D is done. He is just being nice picking you up. I suspect it will be very awkward. Then awkward again getting started on talking. Then almost impossible to stop going in circles. Please try and break away from this.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Smothy, I can't edtit - where I said tell yourself repeatedly - I mean tell yourself now that is what you are going to do and then while you are talking to him remind yourself to do it. Active listening that is.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
