Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and well wishes, Job and Wonka!
My wife and I just got home from our trip away. We were waited on hand and foot and spoiled like crazy... it was quite an amazing resort. We did a lot of fun things together and even had a tiny bit of action... which, after 3+ years was totally amazing.
Had some serious discussion too, and some realizations on my part. More to come...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My wife and I both enjoyed our time together on our anniversary trip. The resort staff decorated our room, made an announcement in the daily flyer, and delivered a special breakfast to our room. We did a workout in the gym the first day, a group bike tour another. One afternoon was spent receiving spa treatments, and enjoying the many amenities of the spa. Every night we shared the same bed. The majority of the balance of our time was spent laying/playing/drinking on the beach or by the pool, or dressing up for fancy dinners. Yes, we both got mild sun burn.
We spent one entire day visiting some ancient Mayan ruins, and then a large Cenote!
At the ruins, we learned about Mayan history, and got some great pictures as we climbed the many buildings and steep stairways. Our guide actually worked with archeologists who studied and reconstructed the area, so he really knew his stuff. In our group, only one other guy and myself made to the top of the tallest building. It was quite exhilarating!
At the Cenote (natural sink hole) we rappelled from ground level down a hundred feet into the water! We could hear and see bats flying around. There also was a zip line and platforms to play off of. The lunch afterwards was amazing and we enjoyed it while talking with others in our group who were from many different areas of the United States.
At dinner the first night we had a “State of the Union” discussion. Again, I wanted my wife to understand just how important this is to me, and how I didn’t want her to be surprised when I could no longer do without. (per Michele in her book SSM) We also discussed SA, which is almost certainly the largest factor driving the most troublesome part of our marriage. My wife is not yet feeling good about herself, so even though she has been reaching out to me physically, (basically because of the talks) she’s not feeling it. I need to go slow and continue to be “safe” and not push too much, even while I’m frustrated like crazy and just want to throw in the towel at times. It’s a tough line to walk, but hey, I'm sure her walk is even tougher. Still lovin’ my girl!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I'm so happy that you both enjoyed your time away. I think it was a good trip because both of you could relax and leave the daily stressors at home.
Your trip was fun and educational and I'm sure you both enjoyed the ruins and the many activities that were available.
FY, I know there are times when you want to toss in the towel, but look how far you both have come. Her climb to the top of the MLC mountain is so much harder for her. I know you hear this from me all of the time, but...dig deeper for patience.
I admire the way that you've handled your situation and I want to see both of you cross that finish line and find your way back to each other. Sending you a dozen patience shovels to help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I admire the way that you've handled your situation
This REALLY means a lot to me, especially coming from you, job! Thank you so much for this, and all your support along the way.
Things keep getting better over here. The comfort between us continues to grow. Each of us showing love through actions.
Originally Posted By: Michele, from SSM
7. Accept a gift of love Sometimes, as things improve and your spouse is trying to be more caring about your needs, s/he might decide to become intimate with you even though sex might not be a burning desire. Rather than feeling insulted or put off, you should accept this as a gift of love. In good relationships, people do things for their spouses all the time that may not be exactly what they feel like doing at the moment. That's okay. In fact, that's more than okay. That's great. That's real giving. Real giving is when you give to your partner what your partner wants and needs whether or not you understand it, like it , or agree with it. Allow your spouse to show his/her love by being sexual even if it wasn't his/her favorite thing to do at the moment. Accept the gift and appreciate it. Good marriages are build on this kind of caring.
The more my wife reaches out to me, the more I want to do for her. It now seems like a snowball rolling down a hill, building on itself. I’m so glad I was a dreamer (did you see the songs in all my threads? ) and never lost hope.
I truly believe we’ve got this.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
That SA thing is a tough nugget to crack. I think you are beyond patient with your W ... its truly something I look up to with your sitch as I struggle with it very badly but know its a long road back to where I would like to be.
FY, it is great to “hear” that there is some progress in your sitch. As I mentioned before, I admire your patience and love for your W. I hope she realizes one day how incredibly lucky she is. I think she will… I can see that… If you need some encouragement, I’m your cheerleader! I’m rooting for you and your W to create a new and amazing R!
And, yes, be careful with that snowball though
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I suppose. I sincerely like my life and the way things have been progressing. My wife is not going anywhere, talks of our future together, and is giving me her best during the most difficult time in her life. Sure, I could bail on the marriage to go find that one piece that I feel is lacking, but doing that will hurt both of us greatly. I honestly don't see a pot of happiness for either of us at the end of any divorce rainbow.
My point of the snowball is that loving actions build more loving actions. It’s a good thing. I'm not sure why I wouldn’t want to foster it and see it continue to grow. Your thoughts regarding this please.
Cali! You and I both met our wives at the same, very young age of 18, and shared our entire lives with them. Something you wrote to me a while back...
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy on 9/17/14
Like you I keep my sense of humor, have had her in my life since 18 and haven't known anyone else, nor cared to. I have said it to people who don't understand ... I love once, sure it may not work out, one day I may have to send her out to sea, I know deep to the core of me I will never love another the way I loved her. How could I .... 24 years? (Adds fingers in head) ... yeah
Do you still feel this way? After 36 years with my wife, I do.
Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I’m your cheerleader! I’m rooting for you and your W to create a new and amazing R!
Thank you so much, Bright! I honestly feel what my wife and I have now is amazing! That's why I'm still in this. And the recent progress has been extra nice.
Bust On!
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 06/17/1502:24 PM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I do. I think its hard to explain to some who have not been with the same person ... seen the growth, the maturation, the blossoming of a girl who turns into a woman all while being 'your girl' ..... now some can argue that there is a serious Co-Dependency that results in such types of relationships and I am not so sure I could disagree with them ... but I do think had I not been so connected with her I would not have 'standed' this long.
To answer....I still feel that way, that 'to the core' kind of love will always be there for me with her, sometimes I wish it weren't so ... even more I wish she did not know it too. Its that unconditional love I think ... even with the pains and the hurts .. still there and most likely in some form always will be. Accepting this .... giving myself permission to love her anyways actually helped me detach some, she might not be mine to love but I will anyways from afar, smile for the time, look back with a smile .. but look forward with a bigger one knowing I will be ok regardless.
My wife and I had a wonderful day on our actual anniversary day this past week. We both took the day off work and visited a zoo in a nearby state. Later, we stopped at a botanical garden and strolled thorough and enjoyed the beauty of nature.
Best of all, we did this with the most arm in arm and hand holding we've experienced since pre-BD. Even had a few kisses and my wife kissed back!
On the way home we went out for a nice dinner, and afterwards met up with friends for drinks.
Before bed, my wife thanked me for a fun day.
The next day, both back at work, we exchanged this email:
Me: I really enjoyed our Anniversary day together yesterday. Thanks for everything you do, and for being my partner all these years. It truly means a lot to me!
Wife: It was a nice day. We did and saw a lot. Agreed, it's been a lot of years too that we have made through together.
Have I ever said that I love my girl?
Thanks everybody!
Last edited by ForeverYoung; 06/28/1504:37 AM.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
which, after 3+ years was totally amazing. 
) and never lost hope. 