DifRent's Journey - 27 days in, thread 2

[Matt777]

Don't worry about your friends. Until you're in this situation, you JUST. DONT. KNOW. how to react. It's easy to SAY "drop her", "leave her"...it's easy to say "is never stay withy W if she had an A." But you just don't know until you love through it; until you actually watch the love of your life slip out of your hands to another person.

So you get to decide what you want. If you truly love this woman, fight as long as you want to for your M. Nobody here is going to judge you for standing for your M too long. You get to decide when it's truly over. Only you.

Keep strong. Tomorrow is another day.

[DifRent]

Thanks, Matt. My coach told me to be hopeful. Said the fact that she feels compelled to run down her schedule means we still have a connection. The fact that she continues to want affection means we still have a connection. She was cold on Tuesday but warmed up in response to my being less distant and more complimentary. Typically, she'd hang up the phone with the OW and go to sleep upstairs. Last night, she came down to say goodnight to me after, and wanted a hug.

Michele says in the book, recognize the small signs of progress. Not sure sure if all this is progress, exactly. But they are signs of possible hope.

Still, this morning I'm just so exhausted, and it's oppressive to think that they have a "date" tonight, in spite of my GAL plans.

[DifRent]

This is the second Saturday morning I've awaken knowing that my W slept with the OW the night before. Guess I'm doing better with it this week; last Saturday morning, we fought. This morning, I'm just being detached.

I was out on the town with a friend last night and really did keep myself distracted, and was tired enough to fall right asleep once I got home. She has a full day with an open house and working out and meeting with her Stephen Minister. Last I heard, she'd be home after that for the night, but that seems to have changed as now she's going to see an "investment property" at 5pm - with, no doubt, the OW.

I get the sense (from overhearing a phone conversation this week) that the OW is a bit pushy and clingy, and may have convinced her to make these plans. I know I'm not supposed to worry about it, but I confess I'm hoping for the beginnings of a little trouble in paradise.

Have an invitation to a party tonight that's a bit of a drive from here, from a mutual friend who invited us both. I might just sit on the couch and enjoy a quiet evening at home, though. I don't do that much these days, with all this GAL-ing.

I sure do miss spending those evenings on the couch with my W.

Wishing everyone a pleasant weekend.

[DifRent]

Question: it's Saturday night, the WW is out with the OW hitting the town. I've been deliberately making the house a cold place for her to come to at night... all the lights off, dishes might be piled up in the sink, she has to go through all of that to get to bed upstairs. Would it be better to make her return more welcoming and reminiscent of happier times? Lights on, nice scents throughout the house, a sense of warmth and cleanliness? If anyone has any experience with this... just curious. I made it hard during detachment, but wondering if I went too far...

[Matt777]

I think you should leave it how you would want it when you wake up. I wouldnt leave lights on, but I also wouldnt purposefully leave it messy.

But I have no experience on the matter....just my opinion.

[asitis]

Agree with Matt. Show that you go on and take care of what needs to be taken care of, and that you aren't going to become less of a man & H. In a sense, do you give her power to cause a reaction, which she will notice that she has hurt you, or do you show that you are above it. Certainly, go cold, but clean the damn dishes, especially if they are at least partly yours. Even if she is acting poorly, take care of your house and your environment.

Maybe clean the dishes, then go do something with friends rather than sitting around the house. If you do sit around, I agree with the don't wait up, turn the lights out, and don't leave out a signal that you've been spending your time focusing on her being out with the OW.

Like Matt, I haven't gone through this, yet. My W is going through an MLC, so as I've detached and she can no longer blame her unhappiness on me and our M, I'm expecting and steeling myself for her to start looking for something to fill the hole in her soul that is causing all her pain and unhappiness, and that this will likely be an A. It will still hurt like hell, and I know that I will struggle like you are. I've got the one advantage of being separated so I can get drunk and not clean the dishes until it is time to swap on the kids, but I'm damned if I'm going to react in a way she can detect that it is eating me up and causing me to seem less than highly functioning in going on taking care of life end of things -- I hope (we'll see when the sh*t hits the fan).

Hang tough, I know it has got to have your guts in a knot. Just thinking about it in regards to my W, does this to me. Keep sharing and we'll keep throwing you support to help you through it.

[DifRent]

Thanks. Yesterday was our son's graduation, mostly a good day, but still a mixed bag, with a bad ending. We went grocery shopping together in the morning. During the drive, she wanted very much to talk about "post-separation" plans - particularly living arrangements. I handled it with cool detachment, especially since we aren't going to be making those decisions anytime soon. At the store, at one point she caressed my back like the old days, ran her fingers through my hair to say she liked how my hair looked, and I didn't exactly tell her to stop touching me.

Then she put on a drop dead gorgeous cocktail dress for the ceremony. Told her she looked good, but maybe something more "motherly" would be more appropriate. She complied, at one point while sitting down she asked "why are you looking at me like that?" Didn't know what she was talking about, but she said I had "hate" in my eyes. I'm sure there are a lot of things in my eyes when she looks into them, but assuredly, hate is not one of them.

We came back and had a relatively pleasant family gathering. She cooked, sat really close to me on the couch to make room for someone else, but again... it was like old times. After everyone left, though, she wanted to get on my case about a photo I posted on FB. She called the OW and when I walked onto the porch and heard her outside, she flipped out and accused me of spying.

And then... we TALKED. Again. She admitted that she feels guilty and she knows what she's doing is wrong. But the whole thing devolved into an unpleasant conversation. I know I need to not take the bait on these things, but it's awfully hard. It's great when it's time to go to bed, but then I'm up at 2am, always. So I'm exhausted right now, she's upstairs working and has yet to say good morning while I start my day down here.

Everyone here says DBing is not for the faint of heart. They are right. Wondering if I have the strength to continue, though.

[Matt777]

Hey Dif - it's tough in the moment to avoid these kinds of conversation, especially when it starts out with the WS seeming to understand or see some "light". Anyway, think about the things she said and see if you can pick out anything useful. And now you know better for next time.

As for this:
"Everyone here says DBing is not for the faint of heart. They are right. Wondering if I have the strength to continue, though."

Someone posted "what does giving up look like?" to me or someone else, right when I joined. So I'll ask the same to you.

[DifRent]

Hmmm... good question, Matt. Giving up looks just as hopeless as not giving up, at least right now. Might as well keep at it... hope you have a hopeful day yourself.

[Wonka]

Diff,

Glad your son graduated! What an accomplishement for him.

I know it can be real hard not to get sucked into R talks. Try to stay centered and use your ears MORE often than your mouth. Time to brush up on the Validation Cheat Sheet, honey.

Keep on keeping on...chin up.