Yes, I remember someone telling the Chinese word for Crisis and opportunity was the same.
I have been given this opportunity for new work and travel. This would not of happened if not for BD.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.
I can understand this, and contrary to rehearsing this to get the most out of it, my advice (full disclosure and indemnity to vet DB'ers, coaches etc - comments welcome) , my advice is to go with the flow.
i will post the rest of this on my thread as it is part of my developing sitch.
I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.
I can understand this, despite what I said I do care excruciatingly about what other people will think. I care what my W thinks, and blah, and blah, and everyone really. I care so much that I drive myself crazy with rehearsing conversations with people about my W and my life (BTW I am curious about the linguistic history of this word - Woman for LIFE = WIFE). It gets out of control, scary when I am embroiled in an argument with my W, in my head, whilst I am driving or in a meeting or working on a complex problem. It sneaks in everywhere this diseased worm of grief, this process of grief, and it is NOT just you or me Smothy. It is a human condition, a natural human condition, that our brain, our mind can't avoid. The Dalai Lama may be able to. SO RESPECT THE PROCESS. The process of grief.
You WILL backslide, you WILL go up and down. DON'T view momentary backslides as failure. USE THEM to learn little bits at a time.
(BTW India is a spin out. I lived as close to (possible as a short term visitor can to the street in all the counties i was in) that I travelled, so maybe unless you get dirty in India you don't see it as much - IDK, but the Hinduism is just a spin out. I spent ~7 years with a Jew, 12 years with a Muslim, I am a Buddhist at heart, and I grew up in a Christian/Orthodox family AND Hinduism is a spin out.
Imagine; a billion people where the prominent religion is Hinduism. I've been to several Hindu weddings, and my W's three best girlfriends are Indian/Bangladeshi as well, but 1B people!! It is an amazing contest. Amazing! They have 333,000,000 "Gods". Nobody knows them all, because not all of the positions have been filked yet. Jesus, Mohamad, Budah yeah throw them in too (I could be wrong about some of them). The top 3 are Vishnu, Shiva .....-- Google-- The "BIBLE" stories just kick arse - google it (Shiva, Ganesha etc) )
Anyway I made my point ^^ ----- stop ramble now.
I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?
Maybe, maybe not. Your friend doesn't know or understand the extent to which you have grown and forgiven and let go and accepted. Detaching is a mechanism so you can achieve these things. That is where you are aiming, in baby steps. You are already there Smothy. I have said this before to you. You realise where things went wrong, how you failed, how your H failed. Be the person you want to be. It is that simple. 1 minute to learn and a lifetime to master. You know the lessons Smothy. All you have to do is practice. Not achieve. Just practice. And like everything else, everything, everything, you will get there, you will at the very least improve, and I can guarantee you, that if you continue to walk this path that I know you are on, I can see it, the fact that you are here everyday is testimony to that fact, you ARE doing this, don't stop yourself. GO Smothy, GO, Let go.
Remember see my thread because some of it will be for you, and some of it may be good for you. I have to get around to it yet, but hopefully in the next few hours, days, I will have something up at least. (Holiday remember - best thing ever did was accepting this gift ticket up here. "GOD" bless my friends - which ever god you believe in )
Pyrite, your words brought a smile to my face and a little peace to my heart.
God (s) bless you, enjoy your Gift with friends. I look forward to reading on your thread.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Did you ever get a chance to actually read DB or DR? A lot of your usage of the DB terms is misused. You've also got quite a bit of mindreading going on as to your H's POV. So I was just wondering.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Just checking in to see how you are doing, how are you? I deleted him on FB, don't have your control so I thought it was best.
Your move coming up soon?
Thinking of you! Hugs!
Thank you, Tulo and hugs to you. It's hard not looking. My H has already taken me off FB but it is still easy to look. How are you?
My move back to UK is coming up in about 10 days time.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Did you ever get a chance to actually read DB or DR? A lot of your usage of the DB terms is misused. You've also got quite a bit of mindreading going on as to your H's POV. So I was just wondering.
I have read DR and starting on DB. Thank you for stopping by. I do need to stop mind reading but please correct me on terms.
Can you give me any tips and advice it will be much appreciated.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I agree about the mindreading. It makes no difference to your sitch, but doesn't help you in moving forward if you are constantly wondering what is he up to? What did he mean by that? What might he be thinking? And so on...
I think it takes discipline and perseverance and is part of the journey towards independence from codependence (and I don't mean codependence in a negative way - more that your life is enmeshed with another's if you are M).
Perhaps try for a few days noticing and making the observation. Oh - I just thought that - that's mindreading. Okay, I'll stop thinking about that/him and think about me. Time to call a friend, book onto that class, do some jobs - anything to shift the focus off him and onto you. That's your aim.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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