Detachment and moving on (Smothy 5)

[Smothy]

of course it isn't so straight forward, you let go, detach,let go, detach, let go detach, accept, let go, detach ---- and then back to acceptance again, and even shock.

So, so true, I sometimes feel I am going through this cycle many times in just a day. I think I have let go and detached and then I realise I am very far away from that goal of not even thinking about H in any decisions I make.

[Pyrite]

Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.

way to much!

I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.

I hope you realise this isn't a basis for a healthy M? In the first instance, after BD, I would expect the reaction to be something like "I just can't stand the thought of being without him, all our dreams, and past crushed etc". After a while this might degenerate into more specific things - like in my case I whinged about - "I can't let her not see things the way I see they are", even though I feel it is pretty damned obvious that she is behaving horribly. But the important part is that in "". If I can let her see things however she likes, then it doesn't matter how accurate, good or bad that might be.

A few more specific things. My father was the 1st to find out after BD. He tried to console me, but the 1st advice he gave me was dont worry about what other people think. This is typical of him. And I snapped back at him, you dont get it do you, I dont give **** what other people think, I want my M.

I doubt it very much that he belongs on the pedestal you put him on. I doubt that you are the sole reason the M failed. You have said that he blames your controlling nature. But you have also described him as non-confrontational etc. SO the things you took control of, why didn't he do the things you believed were necessary for your family. He blames you personality and the shadow it cast over him. So how is that your fault? Maybe your personality was/is born of other insecurities, but that is what a personality is. Everything that goes into making a person what they are. I can almost guarantee you that WHEN you eventually, genuinely adopt more healthy core beliefs, as we discussed earlier, you will NOT retire as a shy little mouse at parties. You will still be the outwardly confident, life of the party Smothy. Maybe more so because you will be inwardly confident as well.

As you have said, aspects which your H blames are also what has got you where you are. You dont want to drown yourself.

My W is telling people our M was toxic. This was something I could't let go of. It was not toxic, it was unhealthy, but not toxic. Why should I care what she believes or what she tells people. It goes back to "Those that matter know, and those that don't know, don't matter". As my IC pointed out, people are not stupid. They saw us in the M, some for all of it, some intimately, and they never saw this toxicity.

Tell your friends. I hope they point out that the specific things that you blame yourself for, didn't force your H to engage in an A. This was his easy out, a better solution to god forbid trying to fix the problem within the M.

Sorry this sounds like a a poor me, pity party.

On a positive note, went to a Lake today, and spent the day with old and new friends. H only popped into my head a few times and these were fleeting.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?

What? Where is that line? I dont think it is ever too late to R, but I dont think we are talking about R in the same way. We can't R to recapture the old M, so I think R means engaging in a new romantic relationship with H down the track The R part would be the simple fact that you have to address that which has happened now. You can't realistically sweep it under the carpet.

I will post on my thread tomorrow re: letting go etc and my sitch at present. Have to cuddle d4 right now, and sleep.

-Py

[Huddy]

R has to be for something new, not a rehash of before, otherwise, eventually, the same sh1t will resurface.

[Smothy]

Py, my initial reaction is 'I can't live without him' I still love him very much. I was answering to more how I was feeling now with the anticipation of going back to the UK why I can let go and have some hope.

I thought very hard last night about what you have written. I let those words wash over me and had a good cry and released a lot of sadness. I prayed for strength and guidance and this morning I do not feel so helpless. I certainly don't feel hopeless about my future.

My H is telling OW that I have been emotionally abusive. Like you, I think if we worked on our M, there would be a way through. I took the blame for the demise of our M at the beginning. I know that H played his part too. My IC says that H made the choices he did that was not healthy, and I made mine. The difference is I am improving and changing my behaviour in a positive way.

I remember an incident after his initial EA, H said that he was going to start taking in packed lunches. I started making them for him with little notes inside. He told me to stop because I was controlling what he ate. The controlling thing for H was a big thing, I saw what I did as doing things for the family out of love, not control. so H didn't have to. 'If only' are wasted so I will leave it there.

I know my family will blame me, again this I something my IC and I have talked about, changing core and limiting beliefs from my upbringing and childhood. H didn't believe the extent of the abuse I had growing up. He wasn't dismissive of them that did not believe the depth of it.

[Smothy]

R has to be for something new, not a rehash of before, otherwise, eventually, the same sh1t will resurface.

yes, absolutely, I believe it has to a new R. We never dealt with the issues from his EA. I thought we had as I felt we had a good year last year and the turning point was when I slept with OM and he reinstated contact with OW while I was abroad. One of my friends thinks I have been set up and OW was always in the background, I just wasn't aware of it.

[Smothy]

Typing these out has made me angry and feeling hateful towards him. I don't know where I am. I go from, I had enough, I can't even be friends with you, I don't want anymore to do with you to maybe we can R, we love each other.

I don't know what my feelings are anymore.

[Huddy]

The OM/OW thing suggests that everything wasn't right. That doesn't mean it can't be put right, but it has to be something totally new.

Your last post goes through us all. Then you give in a little. Keep going, we're with you.

[NDY]

I remember an incident after his initial EA, H said that he was going to start taking in packed lunches. I started making them for him with little notes inside. He told me to stop because I was controlling what he ate. The controlling thing for H was a big thing, I saw what I did as doing things for the family out of love, not control. so H didn't have to. 'If only' are wasted so I will leave it there.

So you do something nice and this is controlling? Mental, truly mental. The mind of a WAS is truly a weird place.

[Pyrite]

My H is telling OW that I have been emotionally abusive. Like you, I think if we worked on our M, there would be a way through. I took the blame for the demise of our M at the beginning. I know that H played his part too. My IC says that H made the choices he did that was not healthy, and I made mine. The difference is I am improving and changing my behaviour in a positive way.

quick note - talk later - on holiday with some great old friends.


and that ^^ is the essence Smothy. Life sux sonetimes, this absolutely sux, but you are heading in the right direction.

the word of the moment here is CRISORTUNITY - a +ve arising from a crisis-opportunity

[Huddy]

Yeah, opportunity is another way of looking at it. Have a good holiday Py!