Thank you everyone for your kind words and checking in- you especially Pink.
This is probably going to be my last post for a while, I just don't know what to say anymore and what to do. I've also deactivated my FB and maybe just get away from social media and the internet and what not for some time. --------------------
Im just at a loss. Feeling hopeless and directionless. Man my W can really talk. But thats all she is right now, all talk, no action.
It's been 2.5 weeks since she left this second time, and we go back and forth and she usually texts me everyday. But she stopped calling. Ive called her a couple times and both times she's been pretty emotional. Lately it sounds like she's comparing the two places, saying things like she misses her bed, the dogs, just alot of things...that she is tired of waking up everyday with no purpose and feeling lost and directionless herself. She tells me things like now that she's seen both places, she almost wishes she didnt like Texas because it was easier to make it some horrible place but now she realizes she likes it. Tells me after I get back from some training in a month she will think about possibly coming back, no guarantees but she says she will see where she's at and we'll talk.
But this is all talk. She continues to show me I am not a priority in her life and that come hell or high water, she will stick to this course of action she is on, no matter what the cost or if its the right thing to do.
When we talk, it seems like there is hope for the future. Yet her actions show something different. I am tired of being her backup plan, probably not even her second priority. I am tired of breaking my back and bending over backwards for her. I am trying to show change. Trying to show her that she is a priority in my life, that things will be different this time around.
I know she's all over the place, she's confused, she's emotional, everything. But I am tired of being her backup plan. Maybe this is how she felt for so long that drove her to leave. Maybe I deserve this because karma's a bitch and it comes around.
I don't know. I just don't know anymore. So many things in my life I have to re-evaluate and ask if I'm truly happy doing what Im doing and the path that I am on. Right now, I can firmly say No. There isn't anything I am happy about. Some things are going well, but that doesnt mean its what I want.
I don't know anything anymore. Thank you guys again for everything.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
don't try to show HER you've changed. Change for yourself. There is always room to grow and you have to make growing an ongoing process. Once you start changing for yourself, you will not focus on her as much, life will get better.
Take the focus off her and onto yourself. Are you happy with yourself? What changes to you would YOU like to make? Make a list and work on it. As I said, take the focus off her, focus on yourself. And believe me, she will notice you and your changes. Do not worry about being anything to her, just let flap in the wind...
I know it is very hard, it's sometimes so painful you think there will be nothing of you left to change.
But this is wrong, we find water in the desert every other day. don't give it up if you don't feel like, take the time and be patient to find out what life will do with all of this.
She does not need to see or even hear from you for awhile, this will give you some room for yourself.
I also tried to get away from this board and forget some of the hurting things that I was going through but it was so much worse to deal with it all by myself.
So keep posting here, there will be always some one to chat and you can always spill out all what is hurting you.
Even if you just want someone to share your days, you can just jornal and we will be here for you.
I am finding myself aggravated at your W for spilling all of her emotional confusion and garbage on your floor. I see a girl who is sad she is doing this, you're sad she's doing this, everyone is sorry, but there is your living room stained and stinky even after she walks back out, and you are left mopping days after (as a metaphor for the space in your head)...but it has to stop.
What about a boundary.
W, I deeply care for you. For my own well-being, I would like you to deal with the choices before you, without dragging me through this anymore. When you know what you want, we can talk then.
IDK, Tlee. I think if and when your W feels you slipping through her fingers, feels the rope drop, this could be your best chance of a reconciliation. Sandi has some great posts on Kramer's thread that makes me think of your sitch, the waffling.
I am also thinking of taking a break from this board, just bc I think I will do a bit better moving on with a little space from this kind of focus. I will keep checking on you, hope you do let us know how you are doing, friend.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Sorry to see things haven't improved. I agree that your WW seems to be using you for emotional support which is eating you up. I think a boundary is in line also. You've got so much going for you right now, don't let the sitch hold you back. For me, I feel like I was on a "pause" for the last 9 months waiting for my WW to change her mind. I realized (quite suddenly) that I needed to be looking out for myself and not use my sitch as a crutch from living my life the way I want to. It's taking a while, but I'm much more accepting of me being where I am and I am actually okay either way it goes. However, at this point I can see there's no saving my M, it would have to be a complete start from scratch. With WW avoiding me at all costs, it's would be a long, long time.
In saying this, be easy on yourself. I see that you are blaming WW's indecision on your past interactions with her. That may be a small part, but WW decisions are based on herself and not you. I can see that in the indecisiveness of all parts of her life, not just your M. Be easy on yourself, Tim.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So I honestly didn't expect to be writing this soon but it feels lonely so I guessi vent. Doing this on my phone so sorry for errors. Thank you everyone for commenting and reading, I'll respond soon when I'm back home.
Still have another 3 weeks here...booo.and I'm exhausted, working 430am- after midnight everyday. Horrible.
I feel so lonely. Things have been very quiet with wife, she started a new job that she says is just something for her to do and take her mind off things.
We text briefly everyday but she said she's using this time that I'm away and she's at a new job to unwind and not think about me and her stuff for a while. That wen I get back from training we can talk about things-I'm worried it's divorce, although she explicitly said if she was going to file she would do it regardless of where I am.
Us not talking as much is weird. And I miss it a lot. I'm scared she's trying to detach and forget me, though she has said she misses things about Texas and what not. But I worry and wonder why we don't talk as much now. Maybe I'm making it a bigger deal than it is, but I can't wait to go home, even if it is to an empty house.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Let's say it could be a quick fight and soon she would be home and there would be peace and love all the way.
Well, it did not happen that way. This is serious stuff and it is time to take it very serious too.
First, do you believe that this program can help you?
Do you believe that this program will help you independent of W coming back or not?
I know you want HOPE, and I know what you have now is FEAR. This fear is letting her to control the situation. This fear is betraying you and making you to make many mistakes.
I'm worried it's divorce, although she explicitly said if she was going to file she would do it regardless of where I am.
Did you read the Sandy's 37 rules? Stop worrying about what she might do, what control can you have over her decision of filing or not?
If you worry, then it will just drive you crazy, insane. It won't help your cause it will actually make it worse because your W can probably feel you are miserable.
Did you read DB and DR? If so, what going cheeseless tunnels means to you? Because from outside it seems that you enjoy looking for the cheese and running in many directions without knowing where is the cheese.
Us not talking as much is weird. And I miss it a lot. I'm scared she's trying to detach and forget me, though she has said she misses things about Texas and what not. But I worry and wonder why we don't talk as much now. Maybe I'm making it a bigger deal than it is, but I can't wait to go home, even if it is to an empty house.[/quote] [quote][/quote]
Stop this insanity T, you can't control her actions, her decisions, you can only control you.
Stop answering her texts every day. Maybe start with a hours apart, then you can move on to a full day without any contact.
You will feel that you are pushing her away, but you will be doing the exactly opposite.
She is telling you that she wants her space, her own time and her own success. Listen to what she is asking you.
You need to start detaching for real. You need to let go on the fear every day a little bit. It's very hard for all of us and it will be the hardest thing you ever did. But you have not much a choice right now. So use this time to grow as a person, change into the person only a fool would leave.
Please, please, please, stop talking about R, M. If she says something about it, then you say you are sorry she feels this way and change the subject.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start fighting for your M. No one can say you have a chance and no one can say you don't. But if you keep doing what you are doing then you may risk that she will just go away faster.
Think about T, when you came to this forum, you did not think that it would offer you a magic recipe to just put your M together in a short time?
It can just teach you to be more independent, learn how to be a better you, how to take this time to learn about things that you can improve in yourself.
There is no guarantees that you W will ever came back, but you have a chance to be a better person for yourself and be the person she will fall in lover all over again.
Think about and start writing your ideas here. We can storm those ideas and we can try to help.
Another big thing is to GAL, it is a must. You need to do something that you like and it will help you to detach more and more.
Keep strong T, you may lost one battle , but you are fighting to win the war.
There is a lot of work to do T, are you ready? Keep posting, I will ask around the board for others to post on here.
