Detachment and moving on (Smothy 5)

[Smothy]

Hi Pyrite, I have missed you! DS going on holiday yesterday. H has text today to
Say he has arrived safetly. Probably doesn't know that DS had text me last night.

Just thinking I didn't extend the same curtesy to inform H as I knew DS would contact him too.

[Pyrite]

hey Huddy, next week I will be - soaking up the sun, or at least less wintery than here down south. been L-ing, flat, busy

[Pyrite]

Hi Pyrite, I have missed you! DS going on holiday yesterday. H has text today to
Say he has arrived safetly. Probably doesn't know that DS had text me last night.

Just thinking I didn't extend the same curtesy to inform H as I knew DS would contact him too.

Thanks Smothy, i missed you too. There you go hey, not even a day later and already an example of how your actions towards him and his actions towards you are not necessarily reliable indicators. Or did you purposely not let him know? Anyway, he DID tell you he was safe. Not to be misinterpreted as HOPE though Smothy.

[Smothy]

Hi Pyrite, I didn't let him know as I didn't want to text him unnecessary, and for him to see it as pursuing re Sandi's rule. It was deliberate from that perspective but not 'tit for tat'. BTW is was H letting me know Son was safe, son had driven abroad. not H telling me that H was safe. I don't think H would do that as he has given me no personal information about what he is doing etc since March.

You are right about HOPE, still keeping more attached than I should be. I am proud to say that this is getting better. My days spent 'pinging' the elastic in my wrists are over. I still have not looked at FB or accounts.

How is your situation, Pyrite? hugs to you! thank you.

[Smothy]

Not sure what happened to the reply I wrote,

It was H telling me DS was safe, as it was the first time he drove abroad.

It wasn't a 'tit for tat' thing, just conscious of not replying because it may seem as pursuing.

However, today H emailed to say that DS is having a good time and did I hear about DS news. I replied saying no, it was good DS was enjoying himself. No response from H. Some times I feel I am being rude for not replying them regret it as I wait from a reply from H, even though I should have no expectations.

[Huddy]

Maybe testing you. Is he picking you up from Airport? So, what is DS's news?

[Smothy]

Good news about DS was re his summer placement. I text back great anything we need to do and his reply was cold today saying, nope he will sort out his end.

With hindsight, I shouldn't of used the word 'we' but I meant his in the context of him and I not 'us' what a minefield the words we use are.

[Pyrite]

Dear Smothy,

I understand that your situation is complicated by the fact that you are returning home and understandably hoping for a bounce. But as an objective 3rd party I honestly dont see it. There really hasn't been any evidence to suggest otherwise and a lot to suggest that it won't be more than a dead cat bounce.

Of course my opinions are tainted by my own life at present and subsequent belief in recent post elsewhere (Zeus' thread) which is really about realisation of the inevitable.

In this light can I suggest that you forget about detaching as such and just think about letting go, and why you can't. What can't you let go of specifically, and why?

For example, I have let go of my W per se, but a nagging issue was that I needed her to be sorry. Not for ending the M and having an A, but for her ongoing horrendous treatment. She doesn't see it this way. She feels she is perfectly justified in screwing this guy in our shared house etc. I know she doesn't really think it is all OK simply because she can't admit it to anyone except me that sits on the evidence. In fact she flat out denies it.

So, I thought I had let go of needing this authentic apology. However recent communications have set me back again. She actually denies ending the M. )MC has it on record, aside from several others.) And then in the next sentence acknowledges that she is screwing her OM in our bed. And I should get used to it.

So I have to let go of needing her to acknowledge what actually happened. I have never denied it, to her or anyone, that I was a shitty H. But she won't even admit that she was the one who dropped the bomb. Why do I need her to admit this? Obviously because I want to win one last argument. But where does this come from. How can I curb it?

So for you - let go. Focus on letting your H go off to his new life. Let go of why you are fixated on every word. The difference is subtle, and maybe half the work in achieving this letting go is working out what is different between this and detaching from it.

Maybe a starting point is that you have to let go, before you can detach.

good luck.

[Pyrite]

of course it isn't so straight forward, you let go, detach,let go, detach, let go detach, accept, let go, detach ---- and then back to acceptance again, and even shock.

[Smothy]

Hello Pyrite, thank you for the above advice. I thought I had let go a little and detached, but I am still placing far too much emphasis on what H is doing and what would happen when we see each other.

I thought about why I can't let go specifically and the answer is that I am scared to admit to myself I have failed at my M. I know that when I get back to the UK, I have to start telling my family and friends. I still harbour some hope that if there was a chance we R, I would not have to do this. I feel ashamed that this is the case and that H wants someone else, and I was not enough for him.

Sorry this sounds like a a poor me, pity party.

On a positive note, went to a Lake today, and spent the day with old and new friends. H only popped into my head a few times and these were fleeting.

I had a conversation with a friend and she said too much damage has been done for us to ever R. How will I ever forget the hurt and pain he put me through. A good question?