2b, I have been thinking about you a lot today. I keep up on your sitch all the time, I just don't post much because you get such great advise.
You are doing great. I see so many improvements and growth with you. Your feelings of frustration are totally normal. This MLC stuff, the length of time, it wears us all down! We all get so fed up, get talked to here back into reality, pick ourselves up, and keep going. Don't beat yourself up, love yourself for the amazing person you are. It takes a really good person to stand the way you do!
I remember living with my MLC, it is still loud and clear in my mind and I know how hard it is. I can only speak for myself, but I think it's easier with the MLC'er out of our hair. They can spin around all they want, without disturbing the tranquility of home. At least that is how I feel.
So pat yourself on the back, what you are dealing with is no easy road. As for your son, I am sure you have had talks about dad? My son is 8 and I have been very open with him. I have told him daddy is dealing with some adult stuff and needs this time to work through it. I have assured him he is a bit distracted right now, not really himself and to not think it has anything to do with him. I have to say, my son is handling all of this really well and I believe it's because we openly talk about it.
Keep the lines of communication open with your son and remain his rock. Continue to be the example of compassion, strength and unconditional love. My hope it that these lessons are what my son will take away from all of this. I can only hope!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
S14, is in his "ignore" parents phase of life. LOL
H works 2nd/3rd shift so S14 and I are mostly home alone, so I pray that S14 is not seeing alot of H's "issues"? S14 and I do talk often, and I tell him that his Dad loves him, if something quirky happens and S14 mentions it or comments, I tell him that Dad is going thru a phase of life, I explained to him similiar to how S14 is feeling going thru puberty, reminded him of how I was when I 1st started menopause. SO I THINK S14 gets it, he knows this is a phase his Dad has to go thru and it has nothing to do with us, I THINK, I PRAY he somewhat gets it.
When we are all home together, H always cooks and wants us to watch a movie or go out to eat etc.
School is out now for the summer, so S14 and H will have more time just them at home together before H goes to work, but most of that time S14 will be at 7am football conditioning, then home shower, eat and back to bed. H takes S14 and 2 other friends, so then H is back home back to sleep before getting back up to go to work.
So our schedules don't include much time with H, which is probably a blessing right now.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
My Mom is dating again, and this is great and she is very happy. My step dad has been dead for 4 years, and since then my Mom has been VERY dependant on me. It was draining at times and at times I think it put a strain on my M becuase I allowed it to stress me out which I then took that stress out on my H.
Well now that my Mom is dating again, she does not call me as much, my mom use to call me all day every day, her BF took her to grocery store (something I use to do), her BF is keeping her busy they are double dating and my mom is having a ball!!!
This is something I was praying for, that my mom found companionship, that she was not so dependant on me for her entertainment, I had to be her BFF, her D, her taxi, her bank...it fliped our relationship where I was like the Mother.
NOW I'm feeling a little used and ignored, like now that she has BF she don't want to spend any time with me. I think she brings up some child hood issues becuase when my mom got a BF when I was a child, I feel I was ignored as a child.
I then turned this around and told myself I was there for her how and when she needed me to be and now she has what she was missing...
I'm not going to address this with my Mom, she is in a new relationship and having a BLAST and she really deserves it.
Now I have even more time on my hands to GAL, to work on Me, and I can release the guilt I use to feel when I could not do everything my Mom wanted me to do, when I had other things to do...when I was spending time with my H or H and S14 and would feel like everytime we needed to inlcude my Mom or I would feel a little guilt...but I also feel a little ignored (that is the child in me). I need to let that go, and release that pain from child hood.
Before BD, I don't think I would have been able to "think thru" this shift in relationship with my Mom. I would have been "distant" to her because of how I was feeling ignored, instead of embracing that she is happy, and begin an adult and recalling how it is at the start of a new relationship when all you can think about is that person and wanting to spend time with that person. Now I can smile and realize my realtionship with my mom can be less stressfull and that we can spend FUN time together when we want to and not because she needs me to do something for her.
But that lil girl inside of me hopes she don't forget all about me.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, It's normal to feel "left out, used or ignored" when a new relationship begins for the person that you've been there for. For years she has had to rely on you to be there for her and you know what? She may have felt a bit guilty having you do all of those things for her because she knew it took time and focus away from your own little family. Be happy for your mother because she's found a new friend around her own age.
Give the "euphoria" of a new relationship time to die down a bit and when it does, you will discover that you and your mother can still have some quality time together. Right now, it's all about them and learning about each other. We all have done it and continue to do it when new relationships blossom.
Happy, settle the little girl down inside of you. She's not going to forget you. You are still her little girl who grew up to be a wonderful and giving woman. Give your mother the gift of space and time to discover if this is the right person for her.
You now have some additional time to focus on you and your family. Maybe it's time to think about redecorating or doing some fun things this summer w/o feeling guilty about mom not being involved.
It's going to be okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, my Mom did feel guilty about relying on me for everything! Yes I'm happy for her and I know new relationships involve a lot of getting to know each other and spending alot of time together. I know in my adult mind my mom will not forget me:)
Already I can release the guilt I had about the upcoming out of town wedding in July that my Mom was not going to attend and I was worried about her missing out and having to stay home, with me being out of town (what if she needed something, foods, meds, money etc).
Now I know she has her new friend who is getting her out of the house, having her try new things, my mom watched bball on TV, that is huge. My mom is already talking about her and her BF coming to S14 football games.
My mom never drove, so now she has someone who also has time and wants to take her places and spend time with her. AND HE DRIVES.
I wanted to run a back ground check on this man,,,but I dont't think that is my place, my Mom can if she wants to. I did mention it, so she has the option...
Summer Yard plans: I'm challenging myself to plan time to get in the yard and make something grow. I want to beautify my Yard. And there are many things around the house that needs to be done, and now that every other weekend I may not be running my mom on all her errands and spending time with her so she is not alone, I will have more time to do these things.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I'm glad that my post "hit home" for you. I think you are going to see your mother blossom right before your eyes. She's going to have more to talk about and since she doesn't drive, her friend will be there to take her places.
Happy, sometimes we don't realize how much time it takes when it comes to taking care of a parent(s). I think you will find that your stress level will finally level off and you will be able to get a lot done around your home at a slower pace versus trying to rush things along because you have to be available to your mother every other week or so. You are going to enjoy being in your yard and planting things. It's a great stress reliever and you will be so proud to see those plants thrive.
Now about that background check...I agree, it's not your place to have one run unless you see this person is taking advantage of your mother's good nature and she's loaning this person money. Sit back and watch how things go. You'll be able to see how things are going when you see the two of them together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now H is VERY concerned about what I'm wearing to his nephews wedding. I mean H has always wanted to "see" what I planned to wear when we went to an event. Now H is driving me crazy, keep asking me and keep making suggestions on what type of dress I should wear, and of course it based on what he plans to wear causual vs semi-formal. I want to scream WHY in the heck do you care what I wear.
I always dress for the occasion, it's not like go out looking like a bum or a street walker. But for whatever reason H always want to know what I'm wearing like he wants to "approve" it.
I should stop even playing this game with him, and just put my foot down and say "you will see what I'm wearing the day of the wedding" "stop asking me" "worry about yourself"
I don't mind his opionion when I ask, and normally once I decide on my outfit, I may ask him "does this look good"..etc
BUT then it can go all wrong, if H does not like it, then I start to feel like I need to find something else to wear,,,
I do want to have on something that H likes. I use to only ask him if I had a doubt about how the outfit look in the 1st place...
BUT I made the mistake this time, H ask what was I wearing, I showed him my dress and he was like "is there another option", then started in with ideas and suggestions, now he has offered to go dress shopping with me.
I swear, I feel like telling him OFF, like "H you dont even wear your wedding ring, we right now are liviing like roommates why in the world do you care what I wear to this wedding!!!!!"
Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/11/1504:47 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, In a very nice, but firm voice, advise him that you have already selected what you are planning to wear and you are not going out dress shopping. Tell him you appreciate the offer, but it's not necessary when you have clothes in your closet and will suffice.
This is a form of control and you can nip it quite easily by staying nice, but firm in your response to your selection.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will need to wait until I have calmed down to say anything more to H about what I plan to wear. Voice would NOT be nice right now.
And this has been ongoing for like 2 weeks, every so often he brings up the questions "did you find another dress" "what abot this type of dress" today he even suggested what store I usully buy my dresses from...
Today he also wanted to review what he planned to wear. I DON'T CARE!
I told him today, that I was pretty set on the dress I have at home, that IF I found something I liked better...
This has been something that has always been an issue for me, with him wanting to "dress" me.
Now I had on my own before today's conversation order some other dresses, (my weight gain has made it harder for me to find something Im comfortable in). And I think that combined with H wanted to "help me" is rubbing me the WRONG WAY!
These dresses have not arrived yet, but now I want to be stubborn and just wear the one I have regardless of if I like the ones coming better. Heck I want to feel sexy and cute for me, but not for H, for me! I don't want him to think I picked another dress (if I do) based on his requests.
I'm going to tell him I hear his suggesstions, THANK YOU, but I'm going to pick the dress I feel the best in.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Breathe! Calm down and relax a bit. I know it bugs you to have him do this, but he needs to allow you to make your own decisions on how you dress. You are right about a couple of things, you are dressing for you, not for the runway, and for comfort.
As for him, he needs to worry about what he's wearing and be happy w/his decision.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
