I wish I knew you people in real life, and we could get together in the evenings for a few drinks and real hugs. I'm really touched by how supportive this board is. Without all of you, this would be a completely different situation...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yeah, I can see where it might look like I'm trying to punish her. I'm not, though... really, I'm not.
But she needs to feel the loss of something, as Sandi has mentioned. I'm not focusing on that, but I know she's feeling the loss of my constant presence in her life. I don't think that's a punishment, is it? I think it's a consequence of her actions... my detachment, my determination to GAL, my giving her the space she wants on the one hand, and despises on the other.
Actually, right at this moment, we are in the same room, and I keep looking at her, feeling an admixture of love and sorrow. I don't recognize the woman she's become. And if this is the woman she decides to continue to be, then it's over.
But it will take time to sort all this out. I'm doing my best to "bear wrongs patiently." And to be sure that I'm working on myself in such a way that I will be fine no matter what happens. I'm not focused on winning her back. Because... that's not feeling very hopeful. So, the only thing I can do is focus on me.
But Matt... I have to say, you have an awful lot of wisdom for one who has been here for such a short period of time. Thank you, so much, for being so supportive here in my situation. I wish I had similar wisdom to offer you in your situation. With two little girls, I know you are really going through the ringer. (When I divorced my (violent) husband, I was about your age, and my boys were 5 and 7. It's not easy. I feel for you.)
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Wonka, thanks for being both a cheerleader and a necessary reality check. You're an inspiration. So glad to have you helping me here.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I wish I knew you people in real life, and we could get together in the evenings for a few drinks and real hugs. I'm really touched by how supportive this board is. Without all of you, this would be a completely different situation...
It's not just the giving and getting of advice that's so wonderful.
It's the feeling of being with people that UNDERSTAND the pain that you are living with every minute of every day. That know how difficult it is to just get out of bed, or drive down a certain street or listen to a certain song.
My family, my friends, hell even my counselor are on my side. They try to help; try to offer support. But until you've lived it, you just DONT understand.
That's what I love about being here. Is just feeling like a part of a real group of people that know how to support each other completely in good times and bad.
I wasn't saying you ARE. Just in reading the post, it comes across like some of your subconscious motivations may be part of revenge/vindication/whatever. This [censored] is hard, and hurts so much, I never really can understand my true motivations until well after I've done something. That's why they say to let stuff simmer for a day or two to make sure you aren't acting out of emotion. Something that seems good at 2 in the morning may look horrible by 9.
And you're right. The WAS has to feel the consequences of their actions before any change can be made. I just don't think the LBS needs to push them; they'll get there on their own. My W is pushing so hard for a financial S ASAP. I just have no idea how she will maintain the lifestyle she's accustomed to on the finances she's going to encounter. We barely make it by as it is; now adding an apartment and everything else....I have no clue. But it's what she wants right now, so I'm not going to stand in her way. But by the same token, I don't need to kick her out of the house today if she's going to leave voluntarily in 3 weeks.
Granted, I cant imagine still living with my WAS in the state you're in. I can't even begin to understand the constant and regular hurt and sadness you must feel.
As for me, I really appreciate your kind thoughts. This is the hardest thing I've dealt with in my life, and I'm heartbroken that my daughters will grow up in a fractured family. I don't know how bad whatever pain I must have put my W through must have been to cause her to make this decision. I hate knowing that we could turn this around. I hate feeling like she's giving up too early. I hate knowing there's nothing I can do about it. But, I also know that by being here, by making the changes, by letting go, I'm doing everything I can to try to save this marriage. And I know that if it wasn't meant to be, that I'll come out of it as a better person and a better dad, and I will make it right next time. And don't worry about not having any advice for me - just knowing there's people out there listening and caring means so much to me. And if I can help someone along the way, then all the better.
Interesting advice from my coach this morning, and I just wanted to share. We pretty much honed in on the fact that the OW makes my WW feel special, important, successful. That is the primary reason she is with her.
And I've been more "constructively critical," and haven't gone out of my way to be the one who makes her feel that way. I can't do it disingenuously, but the coach reminded me that when I was in education, I ALWAYS looked for the positives first when dealing with a struggling teacher or a challenging student. And so, I need to look for the positives here as well, and catch her off guard, and drop the compliments quickly without expecting anything in return.
I just wanted to point this out because, yes... DBing is about working on ourselves, and making ourselves better people, no matter which direction things go. While we have no expectations, we hope that in doing so, our spouses will be drawn back to us. In fact... none of us would be here without that hope. So yeah... I have to make this effort if I'm to have that hope. Doing that sort of thing will make me a better person too, I'm pretty sure.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I need support... my "real world" friends are telling me to end this [censored], I'm too good for her, etc., etc. But here's what happened tonight...
We had a meeetup group that we attended together. On the way there, she told me she had "no" plans this weekend, except she has "plans" tomorrow night. I know what that means. I don't want to dig further. And besides, I have GAL plans, too.
Tonight's event wound up being very small, just four people - half of whom were us. One of the people there already recognized us as a couple from happier days. I dressed well, wore a perfume she recognized from every time I used to pick her up from the airport ("smells good in here," she said when she came home), and I made a point to be my most charming self at this event. I had the other attendees talking about how I needed to run for office, impressed with my contributions to the conversation... and interestingly, my W "claimed" me then. Offered to host a meetup group at "our" home. We talked freely of trips we've taken, acted very much like a couple... she did, anyway. I was kind of passive about it.
And the whole time, she had her leg pressed to mine under the table, spoke admiringly of me, gave me some old familiar looks...
In the car on the way home, she spoke of "us"... plans for our son's graduation party on Sunday, progress regarding both our business and our respective job searches, what the financial forecast looks like for the rest of the year. Nothing at all combative or contentious. Of course, we get home, and I can't help but look at our business email... where she jumps on to tell the OW that she loves her and misses her and will call as soon as she can...
(My son mentioned last night, btw, that the OW looks like a potato. I shouldn't take pleasure in this, but I did. Because he's right. I seriously don't see the attraction... except, as my coach said this morning, the OW has more money than I do, and is stroking her ego, making her feel important, all of that. And I am not.)
Anyway, we came home, and she went upstairs to take care of "business," all of which I can hear, so it's not with the OW. But I'm looking back on my day, and I followed all the advice my coach gave me: compliment her if you can (I did... about some ads she designed, about how nice she looked, about how hard she's working), I made myself look and act attractive. I did not argue, didn't give her any reason not to feel good about herself following any interaction with me... but also, stayed detached enough. Did not pursue. Let her drive THAT train, even as I did my best to be confident and composed tonight.
Her heart is divided. No... actually, I think her heart is with me. Other parts of her are with the OW. Her ego. Her libido. Her crack addict self.
Am I letting her take advantage? Or am I working the DB plan the way I should?
And should I even care?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
And just now... I ran into her in the kitchen. I went to get water from the fridge, she touched me... I looked back at her. She looked at me sheepishly and said, "I can't get a hug?" Followed my coach's script to the T... "I wish we could. But we're just not there right now, are we?" Gave her a long eye to eye look, and went into the bedroom.
We'll see what tomorrow brings...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
