This time I was cheating:( With my ex BF, the last person I was with back in 1995 before I meet my H in 1996.
I usually NEVER dream or well never recall my dreams.
Extra prayers going up!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
It is very hard to "go dimmer" with MLC in the same house. As soon as I get to my "place of peace" with this stitch, here comes H wanting time and attention. The "making sure I'm still here" drives me up the wall sometimes!
Job, you last mentioned in my post that I dont seem "happy". Is it becuase of the posts I make about my H? I've been thinking about this and I really truly feel at peace "happy" in all other aspects of my life EXCEPT for this MLC mess.
This stitch helped show me how to be "happy" with myself and not rely on how others see, respond, or feel about me. No longer relying on someone else to "make" me happy. I love myself more now then I ever have, I have my confidence back! This situation has opened my eyes to changes I needed to make and it has helped me in many ways.
So after thinking and asking myself "are you really happy", I have to say YES, despite this stitch. Then I ask myself "are things the way you want them to be" HECK NO, but I still know I will be GREAT, I'm at peace in my soul, I know that regardless I will be GREAT.
Yes I feel lonely for my H, miss my M, but that is not making me un-happy. In the past if ONE thing was messed up in my life, everything was horrible. But that is not the case anymore.
Yes my M is a mess, but I'm not.
Job, I dont want to miss something, so is there something you are seeing in my posts that make me seem "un happy"? I'm just not clear?
I'm not happy with my R, my M with my H. BUT I'm happy with ME!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, The reason that I mentioned that you appeared "not to be happy" is because you are focusing on all of the negative things that your h is doing right now. Your postings have given me the impression that you are very frustrated that he's not doing things that you would "expect" him to do if he weren't in crisis. However, he is exhibiting quite a few of the characteristics of one in crisis and yes, depressed. His journey is a slow, but steady one and yes, you will get frustrated...but you also need to look at the positives as well.
What are the positives? He's still living at home, working and bringing in a paycheck. He still wants time and attention from you. He also gave you a tape or cd recently. He still wants to do some things with you. Many of the MLCers do not want anything to do w/their spouses. They are mean, nasty little creatures who make life miserable for all who live under the same roof. Your h is one of the milder ones who appears content right now w/the way things are.
Happy, it's okay to come here and vent about how things are going, however, your postings gave the impression that you were making a list and if he didn't meet your expectations of what he should be doing, you were checking it off on the negative side, i.e., trying to build a case for separating. See how a person can interpret postings?
If you are happy w/yourself and what you are doing, then that's great...but your "expectations" have to be near zero at all times when it comes to your h. He's still got a lot of growing to do and the baking time in the oven isn't finished yet. You've got a lot of positives that many don't have in their lives right now when it comes to their spouses.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for taking the time to explain. Yes I see what you mean now. I THANK GOD my H is on the much calmer side. I credited this to prayers and H knowing my boundaries. I don't think I would be able to tolerate "meanness" and would NOT tolerate H not paying his share of the bills (unless there were valid reasons). What I can tolerate? I guess that changes once you are put in the situation. SO all credit to GOD for my MLC not being mean and for him still being in our home, for still wanting to spend time with me and our son.
Sometimes I find myself looking for reasons to separate, that is the little girl inside who wants her way and is not getting it, and the grown woman who wants to be in control and is not.
Yes I know and I'm blessed to not be dealing with some of the situations I read on here, and I'm thankful.
Wonka. I will take the kitty-kitten MLCer.
Expectations zero- THIS I NEED TO WORK ON!
Last edited by 2BHappy; 06/03/1503:50 PM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Unfortunately, this is one situation that you can't control, nor can you fix. You are on his time clock and that clock runs very, very slow. Try to accept him for who he is now, not the man he once was. He's a different man today and that is the man you have to learn to have more patience with.
Dig deeper for patience and, as always, keep the focus on you and your son. Give God back the wheel and allow him to guide your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi. I keep up on your postings and what I see it that you continue to have expectations your husband can not keep right now. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, just giving a gentle 2x4.
Have you truly accepted what is going on inside of him? I don't mean accept as in its ok, but accept that he is truly in a confused state? For me, that was key. It was the only way I could accept that my H actions were not about me.
Please read up more on MLC and what his state of mind is. The more you expect him to act like a rational person, the more you will be disappointed and the cycle continues. I see it in your postings. Your H is all about himself right now, he can't give much more. Although, I have to say, I have seen some efforts from him time to time.
You are strong, dig deeper for that patience, you can do this
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I think like most of us its just plain natural to be frustrated at times with these MLCrs we chose to marry, I often think to myself if there was a full disclosure list would I have done this ... probably not but I would have missed out on the greatest even in my life to be honest .. and I am not just saying that .. I truly feel I needed this to change into who I am now.
I do not think your H is the kitten MLCr because of knowing your boundaries ... I truly do not. I had my boundaries and W smashed those into dust, its just how they explode and the way the shrapnel falls, there is not predicting it nor the blast patterns, I have it better than some worse than others, its my sitch either way.
Cali, I agree w/you about the boundary comment. Happy's h is a "kitten MLCer" because of his personality and his issues, as well as the fact that she's not pressuring him to do things. The more you leave them alone to deal w/their issues and focus on their "me" stuff, the better it is for all concerned. The more you push, the more stubborn they will be to prove to you that they are going to do what they have to do and when they are going to do it. And when you do pressure them for answers or you want them to shape up, they generally will begin to cry separation, divorce or moving out, i.e., or all three during a conversation.
Meow!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, Yes I'm learning this hard way (still) that there are many things I cannot control. I have prayed but I still try to make things happen the way I want them to. I'm working on this.
M4, I keep saying I don't have expectations, and I think most of them as it relates to H & W, I have thrown out the window, the ones I still have are expecting him to respond about our son and or house hold decisions, I guess I only look at MLC as it relates to our M and not really as it is affecting his entire life. I will read up more on MLC and the state of mind.
Cali, yes my frustration level is over the top with this whole situation. My H is a kitty cause I don't push, I have set boundaries and give gentle reminders as needed. But I do not ask him anything unless it relates to our son , our home, or something our family. I don't ask about him unless he starts the convo, I don't seek him out, I don't sit around mopping, I have gone on with my life, sometimes he is invited but most times not.
Now if I was pushing and demanding, pursuing, crying, screaming etc I do think he would have taken the risk to move out of our home. If I was constantly asking him about his whereabouts or demanding his time, things would be tense. But my H has always been the type to be cool and calm unless pushed up against a wall. And at BD when I was all over the place and H was not sleeping, not eating, actually jumping when I walked into the room, getting bags under his eyes etc, it was bad. We were both a mess, then I found this site and things greatly improved, I changed and the situation changed for the better. NOT as far as our M, but with us being able to exist without a lot of tension and harsh words threats etc. H calls me now whenever he will be late home from work, even before BD he did not do this, now that I don't care and don't ask, now he wants to tell. He could be hiding something with his work hours, but if so it will come out, just like OW, I guess my dreams are dealing with that, but during the waking hours, I could care less. If he happens again he knows its a done deal. I smile all the time, at first I was pretending but now its real, I laugh more then I have in a very long time. I have noticed that H is also smiling a lil teeny bit more.
Patience, wow I have more then I ever thought I ever would.
Thanks as always for all your replies, you all don't know how much it helps me to process thru this mess.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
