Hi, I apologise for the long essay but I'm quite lost and don't know what to do. I'm looking for some advice and support.
My H and I are both from different nationality. We have been together for 11 years and married 8. We have been separated since Jan but for me the separation was when he physically left the house. We have 2 kids D7 and D5. 5 years ago we had a lot on our plate: our 1st daughter was 19 moths, our 2nd was 6 weeks and at the time I was dealing with my dad having leukaemia (he was urgently rushed to hospital in September and the doctor said if we had waited one more week he'd been dead and they would try their best to help him). One night we got a phone call, there had been a accident. That night we list my MIL as she had been crushed by her own car in front of her own house. At that time I did my best to help my H (looking after the kids, abounding the little one to wake up too often at night so my H could sleep). On top of this he had to change job as he was self employed and wasn't getting any. We buried my mother in law two weeks before Christmas to my home country thinking that would help my husband to be away for a week, for me to see my dad and the rest of my family. The following next 4 years, I didn't spend Christmas with my family as my H blamed me that we should have stayed when his mum passed away. I did ask him if he wanted us to stay but he said no as he understood that I wanted to see my dad if it was to be his last Christmas. Fast forward few years, I'm now blamed for taking my family away that Christmas when we should have been with his family. Now looking back we should have stayed, but I thought that by going away it'd give us a different environment (my dad was out of hospital) just for a week to change our mind.
I would usually see my family every 3 months and I would always spend my holidays with them as we are very family orientated. 3 years ago we bought a new house (my H was very excited about it, but started to work everyday including weekends!). In the meantime he was telling me that he was low and that he contemplated suicide, to such I reply that he needed help as I didn't know how to deal with it and kept pushing it to be referred. I made the doctor's appointment for him, pushed him to fill the form, dropped it for him, told him that there was a message for him and when we received the letter asking to ring for an appointment I kept telling him he needed to call them. Now he's blowing un my face that I should have made the appointment for him, took a day off and go with him! I went through the same procedure and the questions are personal. Now he is seeing a counsellor after his sister made the appointment for him. He also started to blame me that we never go away as a family on holidays (we did a couple of times), that when we see my family he can't speak the language and blames me for not teaching my mother tongue. Then he said that I should take our kids to see there grand parents and cousins for 3/4 weeks in the summer ( when he told me that he couldn't anyway take some time off).
Fast forward 2 years ago and we hit a really rough patch, H told me that one day I'll regret what I have done. He was going out a lot and I knew he didn't recover from his mum death and let him have some time for himself (this when he started his affair with a work colleague). As he had shut down from me and was hardly home as he was working, I felt that he didn't love his family anymore. This January got a message from a friend saying that there were rumours of his being unfaithful for a long time. I questioned him and he obviously denied it, we decided that night that we needed some time apart. So we separated and he moved into the spare bedroom. On Valentines day got a text with the name of the OW, I confronted him and he told me that he was having an affair for 2 years! I cried and was socked as he hadn't changed his behaviour that much ( he was still home at the same time). Told me that she was a distraction, that he tried to end it but she blackmailed him to tell me and I guess you have guess the pretty lime excuses I got. I decided to give him another chance and 4 weeks later I found our he was back with her and kicked him out! Since then I have found some interesting news: all his family member new about his affair, all his friends knew about it and some of mine too! He even to her to his work Christmas do! I also found out that his dad cheated several times and his 3 siblings all have cheated on their spouses! I cried, begged and did everything to show him that what he did was wrong. He even told me that I was making changes but his shrink told asked him if I'd be able to sustain my effort and that he shouldn't come back to me??? ??. Until a couple of weeks ago I managed to stay amicable but lost it by telling him that I was in limbo and I wanted to know where I stood. Got the reply it's over! Until yesterday he was wearing his wedding ring and when I asked him why he took it off he said he had to do it for work???? I forgot to mention that he has moved in with a single male friend and now only goes out with single men! I can't afford to keep the house on my own, so it's up for sale. Regarding my life, the only change is that I'm on my own in the evening and for my girls they hardly asked where their dad is. My questions are is it really over now that he has taken his ring off ( I don't know if he is back with the OW or could it be his single male friends telling him why he is still wearing his ring if he has decided it was over!). I asked him a while ago if wanted a divorce and he said no but when I lost it a couple of weeks ago if not more I challenged him to proceed with it as for him it was over. Until a few week ago he wound kiss me when he would come round to see the girls, but have decided to stop it as I felt it was fake for both of us. Is my marriage really over now that he doesn't wear his ring? I don't wear mine as at the moment I feel there is no trust. Am I doing the right thing to have him back? Am I sending the wrong message ? Am I right to want him back as I feel like the laughing stock (everyone knew but was the last one to find out!). Wouldn't the kids and I be better without him?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi pim. Recognise me from the other forum? I really hope you get the advice you so desperately need here. Good luck and keep posting. It's also a good idea to post on other threads. Then people will chime in on yours.
Peace.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Am I crazy to want to save my marriage? Everyone around me seems to think that I should file for divorce but I don't want to. Everyday I keep waking up thinking about it all. I have started to read DR and I'm hoping I'll see the light at the end if the tunnel.
Me:39 H:37 D7,D8 Rumours 11/01/2015 Separation 12/01/2015(separate room) PA 2013-2015 Left house 20/03/2015
No, you are not crazy in wanting to save your M. Other people who have never gone through what you are going through do not really know what they would do until they find themselves in the same position. Your M is not a piece if fruit that has gone bad and can just easily be tossed away. I think without trying everything you would end up having regrets. This way you can have piece of mind that you tried everything. Stay strong!
BW
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Agree with BW. I always assumed I'd toss my W out on her ass if she ever had an A. But I realize now how much she means to me and my family. So here I am, fighting other people are going to tell you what they want to make you feel better. You do what you think is the best for YOU.
I'll read through your S later and give other thoughts.
I'm a bit confused with the word terminology, isn't detachment the same as moving on which is to my mind the same as giving up? When are you really sure it really over, because to me it really looks like there is no way back. Really hurts to love and care for someone when he just gives you the close to the silent treatment. Will I be ever able to get over my felling and not feel for him? Have I blown it big time?
I'm a bit confused with the word terminology, isn't detachment the same as moving on which is to my mind the same as giving up? When are you really sure it really over, because to me it really looks like there is no way back. Really hurts to love and care for someone when he just gives you the close to the silent treatment. Will I be ever able to get over my felling and not feel for him? Have I blown it big time?
Have you read the detachment thread Pim? There's a lot in there. You'll also find this question answered a lot on this board.
Detachment does not mean giving up. Nor falling out of love. It means detaching from the outcome that you want. It means letting go. It means focusing on you and letting things out of your control be what they will be.
It's the difference between wanting your M to workout and needing you M to work out for you to be ok. It's a bit of a mind twister, but it's about focusing 100% on you and not letting your spouse's behavior take you on emotional roller coaster rides every day.
Others have said it better than I will on here, so do some reading of the thread and this board, but do know they are not the same. They may look the same and on some days feel almost the same, but they're not.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sorry to hear about your situation pimouse, you are among friends.
The thread posted by Cadet above explains detachment, its good to read over those links. Detachment does not mean giving up or moving on. It lets you move forward with your life and continue to love H without trying to fix or control him or allowing your emotions regarding him to control you.
Moving forward is the term I prefer, and it also doesn't mean giving up. Its just accepting you have no control over what he does, only you. You can continue to move forward with your life making quality changes. A benefit of this is that it can attract your H back to you, but at the end of the day its his decision to leave or stay. You also have that decision.
Even if things appear hopeless there is always a chance it can turn around. No one knows what will happen in the future, anything is possible. Those feeling take time to work through, its not an easy or quick process. With time it will get easier to manage them. The basics of DB (GAL, exercise, sleep, etc) are to help to cope with those emotions and start to function again in a healthy way.
No, you haven't blown it. You were responsible for your 1/2 of the M breakdown, he has his 1/2. You never take responsibility for his actions, they are under his control.
Continue to work on ways to improve your life while H is going through this change. You will be ok regardless of what your H does.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
