Thanks Cali. This board has really been a source of sanity for me, to see how many of you have dealt with the same craziness. So many common themes. I guess I just can't believe how quickly everything can change. I remain completely shocked that I am even here.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Quick question if anyone is paying attention tonight: my W is at the OW's house, I know... she doesn't even try to hide it anymore. And I had questioned her strategy of spending every weekend holding open houses. So a little while ago, she forwarded an email from a potential lead she got at one open house, saying, "Look, indeed, open houses work. This is a very sweet email." It's not even a very good lead, as nothing will materialize for at least 6 months. But... okay. The email feels passive aggressive to me, kind of "in my face." Wondering if I should use this as an opportunity to validate and affirm (such as, "good job hon, happy for you, keep doing the open houses then."), or should I just ignore?
BTW.. went to a Divorce Care support group tonight, and one of the facilitators said he used to be on these boards years ago. Wouldn't tell me his handle, but he said this was an invaluable resource for him while he was in the thick of things. I said that was encouraging, but also, that I already knew that.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I just joined yesterday and Toots pointed me to your thread. I have just finished reading it (or rather both) and am honestly shocked at the number of similarities between our paths...but as someone mentioned, the script is the script for the WAS. The fact that we both wake up at 2 and can't get back to sleep was another little tidbit that surprised me! I can at least say that now the wake up time has moved to 4 thankfully. But there are many nights where I still end up with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep. And I am a first year head of school/principal, so that isn't really working out for me. Lately though, I have managed a few nights with 5 hours. The really sick feeling in the stomach has passed and my appetite is coming back some. And that is easier the more I detach. But my H isn't in my face/space as much as your W's is. That would be much harder and you are doing well.
I sensed something a few weeks before your bomb dropped and thought it was peri-menopause and messed up hormones when really it was my intuition telling me something was terribly, terribly wrong. My H feels that living as roommates is a good solution even though he says he knows he should just move out and would if he could. We still share a bed (although we had a few days where we didn't) and I am really debating on whether kicking him to the guest bed would help or hurt.
I think my "favorite" part (it that even an appropriate thing for me to say) as I got toward the end of your thread is just how much our WASes want to "help us" and are so sorry they are "hurting us." Good grief!
I am feeling the same challenges with detachment as you are. Ok one minute or hour and unable to manage it the next. My H continues to be affectionate and loving while I keep creating more distance...when all I want is to melt into that affection and love. This is so incredibly hard. And we have a 6 year old in the mix. So trying to insulate him is really difficult.
You are doing an amazing job of coping. Hang in there! We will through this and one day our spouses will wonder why they did this to such amazing people.
Wow Aix... amazing how similar our sitches are, yes. How are you liking your new job, by the way? I'm trying to imagine how I'd be handling all of this with all those responsibilities I used to have in that job. Hard on the one hand, but on the other, I loved what I did and I have to think the passion I had for it would have balanced the despair I'm feeling right now. Not having passionate work to drive me at the moment is a real challenge. I know it's got to be hard for you to do your job on so little sleep and with such a big pit in your stomach, but hopefully you can focus and use the job as a coping mechanism as much as anything else.
Thanks for the encouragement. I don't see your thread... is there an OW involved with your H?
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I love my new job, but given it is year 1 and the Board hired me to replace the founder (who is still working here), it has had many challenges. We are a small non-profit (94 students) so that is hard too. But I love my work now and you are right that it makes a difference!
A big part of my personal dissatisfaction that impacted my marriage was with my job and not doing meaningful work. In my mind, taking this job would fix a lot of that, but it ended up just further hurting my marriage. He resents the pay cut and the hours (as if corporate America required less hours - I have gotten the "all I care about is work" story for so much of our marriage since he was working less and had his own void to fill. But I would rather be satisfied in my 50 hours a week instead of empty any day. I wish I didn't have to have my work life and personal life all going at least decently to function in the other!
I do have to say that I have barely survived for the last month - budget needs to be done, hiring needs to be completed, reviews, etc. and I just keep dropping the ball. Not at all like me and I don't know how to keep everything afloat. But detachment is helping and slowly I am becoming more productive. I don't know it if was on your thread or another, but make that list and set your expectations low for what you cross off, but let it guide you to at least focus intermittmently. It builds our confidence and provides a distraction whenever our mind is able to be distracted (if even for only 15 minutes at a pop).
Yes there is an OW involved and my H is in love for sure. It is like crack and kills me to see him text "I love you!" to her and not even be able to say it or write it to me - the mother of his beloved son. The OW was actually married to a W previously and was abandoned by her a year or two ago which my H used to justify that there was nothing going on. I seems she has changed her tune. And he won't give her up, so I am having to just wait. It has been two months. He "lost" his wedding ring about 3 days after they had some really intimate "ah ha" connection experience the day before or of our S's birthday. Messy. All really messy.
Thanks for posting your thread so I could "catch up."
One boundary I drew, and was suggested here, is that we do not talk about the OW at all. We don't even acknowledge her. The OW in our case is a client of my W, so we don't even talk business regarding her - and I'm involved with the business. For a while I referred to the OW as "the predator," but I've quit doing that now... I think I've made my point, but continuing to do this would only serve to drive a bigger wedge between us. But no... she will get no support from me regarding any issues or problems between her and a woman she has no business being with, considering the commitment she made to me and the lies upon which that "relationship" was founded.
I also set other boundaries as things progressed: after the first "official date," she was out of the bedroom. After the EA became a PA, no more touching. I have no empirical data to support my theory, but I feel as if connecting certain boundaries to certain events that way, I'm getting my points across more clearly. She seems to have been rattled by both those moves.
As of right now, she is matching my detachment. Personally, I think it is as hard for her to do this as it is for me, but I can't be sure. I just know she wants more from me, but the question is why. Probably because if she could still be that "affectionate friend," she'd be easing her own conscience about what she's done and is continuing to do. What I really want is for her to have pangs of guilt hit her on a regular basis, but not because she's pitying me or thinking I don't have a life. I think that by pulling back, she's left alone with her thoughts more often than she's used to, and in those moments when the OW isn't filling her mind with predatory propaganda, she's lost and missing the stable rock I've always been.
I think. I can't be sure. Right now, she is so unfamiliar to me, in all the worst possible ways.
And oh yes... they are addicted to the crack. That's one of the things that gives me hope. The addiction WILL wear off. It's just a matter of when, and whether by that point, either one of us will be interested in (or capable of) a real relationship again with each other.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Just to make sure, there's a difference between: - not asking what she's doing and not caring what she's doing - pushing her away and not pursuing - leaving her to her thoughts and detaching
The first things are all activities designed to control or manipulate her back to you. The second things are healthy ways of moving forward with your life.
Just recommending you re-read your last post and really think about your motivations for your actions (which I do think are really good so far!)
Good points, Matt. I don't think I'm pushing her away, and I think her being left alone with her thoughts is a byproduct of the detachment, not something I am actively trying to make happen.
As for not caring what she's doing... eh. I can't help it, but I do care. I mean, again... this is all so raw and fresh. I can't help but be stung knowing what she's doing with the OW. Since 90% of the time she's gone these days that's who she's with, I REALLY have to focus on GAL in order to try and put it out of my mind. Like right at this moment...
But again... thanks for the encouragement.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Not saying that you're doing any of the things I mentioned. Just in reading your last post, a lot of the phrases you used suggested you trying to "punish" WW. Healthy detachment involves moving forward with your life for you without worrying about the feelings of WW. There's no need to manipulate or punish WW,
