Well let's not minimize the men v women thing. It's real. There is a reason that somewhere @ 75% of divorces are filed by women. And most of those husbands are shocked because their wives did not share their true feelings. I'm curious how many cases it was the buy into the Hollywood/variations ideal of love-that men are just supposed to "know" otherwise they must not really love you.
I know that has been a real frustration for me and I'm sure it's shared by many LBH.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
T0, I agree that the WAW has to put in the work. My fear is that because DB is very methodical that some LBS just expect the WAW to appear with arms outstretched. Like you said, I know my STBX and she just might assume I could never forgive her. Definitely something to be sensitive to as my sitch progresses.
Bravo, I also agree that there are major differences between men and women in these situations. Often women have been thinking about BD for a long time before it actually hits. As a result, they are far more advanced in their emotional detachment than men at BD. I think this is supported by some of the basic psychological differences between men and women. I also think I read somewhere that women are much less likely to reconcile after BD because of this.
Food for thought I suppose.
Last edited by Defacto; 06/02/1506:56 PM.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - In my opinion, let her come to you. You would want her to approach you to work on the marriage. As much as she wanted out, she did actions to get what she wants.
Why would she now not take any actions if you were what she wanted. I struggle at times thinking "oh ww might not feel safe coming to me and doesn't want to get rejected, blah, blah, blah"
She definitely knew what she was doing when she had the affair. She had needs she wanted met and justified her actions. If/when she's ready, she'll make it known.
THEN you have a better chance of not being a plan B, because she pursued you. Not just agreed to what you asked for.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Some messages say: manipulate her by validating her and listening to her, spend time with her and others say manipulate her by detaching from her because she needs to feel the loss and be punished.
I do not want to cause confusion on this thread, but I have to comment on the above quote. I have never seen punishment of the WW promoted by anyone here on the board. I have had quite a bit to say about the WW, and I agree with Michele about detaching and that the WW needs to experience the feelings of loss/consequences, but I have never said she should be punished.
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I knew the distancing thing was, to her at least me coming across as a jerk.
If a man appears like a jerk, then he must not be applying DB detaching properly. If he applies it right, he becomes interesting and even mysterious to her.
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Lots of people here talk about self improvement, fixing the things that she didn't like about you. Not just for the M but for yourself.
It is also talked about becoming the man she fell in love with before M.
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So I like the idea of making your feeling be known in a manly way. She has already left. So I want to AT LEAST TRY and intice her back.
If the W is wayward (keyword), she's not going to be interested in listening to the H talk about his feelings. If you see this as enticing her, I think you will be disappointed in the outcome, (if you try to entice by expressing your feelings while she's wayward). A lot of men have tried the talking approach and failed, b/c she was not ready.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Part of me is wondering if I should check STBX's phone records again for any intel on the A. I don't like doing it because it sets me back personally but maybe I need to. The other part of me thinks that it is irrelevant if the A is over if STBX is still not expressing interest in working on the MR. However, to GB's point, I don't think she will just walk up and tell me out of the blue that she is ready to try again. Just thinking out loud.
Is there a trusted third party (close friend or family member) that you could have review the intel, and update you only if there's some imminent financial or legal threat to you, and just give you an "executive summary" of whether or not she's still in contact with OM? That's one way to go. Another would be for you to check it, but only, say, once a month.
There's a lot of gray area in between "daily, make-you-nuts spying" and "flying blind without instruments."
If the W is wayward (keyword), she's not going to be interested in listening to the H talk about his feelings. If you see this as enticing her, I think you will be disappointed in the outcome, (if you try to entice by expressing your feelings while she's wayward). A lot of men have tried the talking approach and failed, b/c she was not ready.
But traditional methods are of gaining attraction are off limits, right? I don't talk about my 'feelings' to my WW although I'm pretty sure she knows. So the only option is detach? Ok, so let's say we are detached. At least to a point. Then what?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Then you wait (while simultaneously moving on with your own life), and hope she has some combination of A) coming to her senses, and B) being re-attracted to what attracted her to you to begin with.
People tend to value most that which is difficult to obtain.
Then you wait (while simultaneously moving on with your own life), and hope she has some combination of A) coming to her senses, and B) being re-attracted to what attracted her to you to begin with.
People tend to value most that which is difficult to obtain.
Starsky
So back to detaching. That's the key?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Then you wait (while simultaneously moving on with your own life), and hope she has some combination of A) coming to her senses, and B) being re-attracted to what attracted her to you to begin with.
People tend to value most that which is difficult to obtain.
Starsky
So back to detaching. That's the key?
Not to detach just to win her affections back ... you would be defeating the purpose of cutting the string and constantly picking it up to see if there is a nibble right? We call this Temp Checking
You have to turn focus off them, focus on you and what you can do to become a better person ... for YOU .. not them.
