I have done everything wrong today! Went to the christening as he was late, so took the girls there. Once out of the church, he asked me if I was alright then straight after agressively asked me why I sat next to his dad when I should know he hates him. I replied that they sat next to us, then said I'll be going. He replied that I didn't have to go now! After I asked him why he had been so aggressive to me, and he said he was just asking me a question. Anyway he added that everybody at the party will get it! I asked him to step outside, and he agreed. I told him that he couldn't ruin his nephew Christening, that I still cared and loved him. This is when I went back to my old self. I asked him if he was back with her, he said what difference would it make if I was because to him we are no longer together! According to him, his girls are now his family! (Bear in mind that he doesn't seem to be spending much time with them: picking them later than he is supposed to and dropping them off earlier too!). He knew that his answer would make me react, and I did. I went to him and told him that I DON'T want that women near my kids! Said my goodbyes to everyone and left the venue ( on the verge of tears!). I'm back home crying as now I can see that there us no chance of us reconcile. What a fool I have been to believe that i could save my marriage. I guess I'll be part of the 50% of the divorcee! If his daughters were really his family, he should think about them first, not himself. Rant over, need to move on!
But really, what is different from yesterday? It's only been one month that you've been here. There hasn't really been enough time for you to really make permanent, consistent changes.
You can go file for divorce today. But what will be different? Instead, get back on the horse. Focus back on you.
Pi - I'll give you the biggest internet hug I can.
His hurting you is not about you. Imagine he's an addict. Or a mistreated dog. They just can't control their actions and who they hurt. And unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to help. All you can do is take this time and use it for you and your children.
He came back from Christening a lot angry and said that if we couldn't sell the house we should rent it as pensions for both of us, and the both of use should rent somewhere else! Like I was going to put my daughters in another house when they have this one! Gosh he has really lost a screw! Thanks for the hug Matt777
The scenario is just good information. The interactions between you didn't set anything in stone.
So in the future, be prepared for this. Do not let him make you react. Michele told me a long time ago..."Dont give yourself an out." He cannot make you react.
So, shock him and 'Do something different.' Be calm. Let's see....remember toddlers? If you react to them, they continue their show. If you just hold back and don't react, something different will happen. Don't engage in the drama.
Don't say I love you right now.
And as much as you'd like to control it, you cannot control whether or not he brings the kids around another woman. He knows your position. If he isn't deaf, he heard you. Don't repeat yourself. The more restraint you show, the more credibility you gain.
You've got this girl. Shake off today, treat yourself well, do something you enjoy before the evening ends.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
One thing that my H blamed me for having an affair was that I was too cold, and not being supportive. I have tried to keep to minimum conversation with him, but I reckon it'll not bring me closer to my goal. I'm working hard on not being cold, but I guess it's going to take time to change this attitude round.
I can see he's very tired, and doesn't seem to have much support from his family, therefore I think that one of my goal is going to be his friend. Even if in the long run, I might not save my marriage, I'll have at least create a good relationship to co-parent our girls.
I feel sorry for him now as I can see that he really didn't realise what the consequences of his actions would be. He has practically cut himself off from his friends from secondary school, has not many contact with his family, and he is looking for a new job.
As time goes by, I realise that my behaviour has been part of his reason to choose to cheat, but I can see that he has more deep rooted problems that have nothing to do with me. Only him can sort himself out. I can say that he is depressed but he is too proud to ask for help, and prefers buried his head in the sand. Thinking about his affair is still raw and hurts, but I have forgiven him.
Even if the situation I am in, is far from being ideal, it is teaching me a lot about what I really value in my life and what matters to me now. I'm ready to move on, and become who I always wanted to be but was too scared to do it as was scared about what the others would think about me and for some of it, it might go against the values that have been passed on by my family.
I'm so proud of myself when I replied to H. We agreed that he'd se the girls every other day and on Saturdays, he didn't come round Monday (because of work), and just texted me to say he also can't tonight because of guess what wok. I can believe how quickly I have adjusted my opinion; saying it didn't annoy me would be a lie, but instead of thinking about it over and over again, I asked myself a couple of questions. Can I control him coming over? NO. If I hold a grudge, who is going to be most affected by it and have the evening spoiled? ME. Is it worth it to have a bad evening? NO as I'll be only the one feeling bad, not him. I guess I can call it: my first proper and real step into detachment. Youpi! :-)
I have been reading a lot of posts here, and it seems that you need to be having a lot of contact with WAS, but in my case only see him when he comes to see the kids, if you to save your marriage. He doesn't interact much, only basic things about the girls. He answers my questions but never asks me anything. Two months ago he said he didn't want a divorce, but he doesn't seem to want to salvage this marriage. I'm a bit lost on what to do as I can see I'm not being consistent and confused in my approach.
