I can't suggest what to do because each sitch is unique (in spite of all the similarities), but I am very relieved I found evidence and confronted H. Apart from making me feel less crazy, we weren't able to communicate properly until it was on the table.
You have a few days to think about what you want to do.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
BW- my advice would be DO NOT tell him how you know. Only bad can come of it.
If you tell him what you found, he'll make elaborate excuses. Jim and Jane were over, the married couple, Jane was tired and asked if she could take a nap, yadda yadda.
So no confessions, and now he knows exactly what you do and don't know. Because trust me, 110% of all cheaters lie. Why would you expect someone that would cheat on their partner to respect honesty? It's ALL about avoiding reality and consequences. You're dealing with an overgrown 6 year old.
Instead, just tell him you know everything and refuse to tell him what everything is, or how you know. But tell him if he wants to admit it and admit EVERYTHING you'll speak to him, but if he won't then you have nothing further to speak about.
I think the question is what next steps are you planning when he denies everything?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Job, interesting that you bring up authority figure. I often felt as though I was having to be more like a mother to my H than a wife. I focused on all of the responsibilities of a marriage and a household while he primarily focused on his needs and school. He never had to worry about paying the bills, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. so he didn't appreciate the stresses on me while he was in school.
Another interesting thought that has come up last night is in regard to sex. My H clearly took a hit on his self-esteem because of my lack of desire and interest in sex. He said he felt something was wrong with him and the OW helped him realize he was not broken. I get that and wish would have done things to fix this and I told H this. But my H is also only looking at this from one angle and not seeing the whole picture or that this is a two way street. He is only focusing on how his needs were not meet in our physical relationship. He is now using A to avoid looking in the mirror for self reflection and awareness.
The problem is that my H seems to think is that my lack of desire was based on how he looked, finding him sexy, etc, which has never been the case. What is he failing to understand is there are other components of emotional connection and making someone feel desireable. Sure the OW is going to respond because he is likely wooing her, making her feel special, complimenting her, emotionally connecting, etc. H stopped doing those things with me. Instead my light was dimmed through this and the ho hum life of being a wife and care taker. Maybe if he had continue to treat me as a lover my desire would have stayed closer to the surface. I don't know how many times I told H I would like him to be more romantic like he used to be when we first met. I even gave him specifics and he opted to not follow through, so again as with everything this is a 50/50 issue.
Unfortunately, it is this lack of self reflection and working on his own issues that will put my H right back in the same position with OW or next R. My H has recently said that he is also to blame for where we are. Yet, I have not heard him give one concrete example of how. He is just not there yet and won't be until the A is done. I don't want hom back until he goes through this process.
Last edited by BW05; 06/02/1511:46 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
When you first started this site I encouragaed you to spend 30 minutes a day digging in to how men felt in a sex starved marriage. I said you severely underestimated the devestation it caused and your role in it.
I have COMBED every post you've made since looking for signs of what you would've done differently in your M to have fixed this issue BY YOURSELF...yet I haven't seen this, and instead you are reverting to blaming it on your H's behavior and remarking that HIS next relationship will fail. Meanwhile, while you are on a DB site and happen to be the LBS, you aren't meeting this head on any more than he is (assuming he isn't reflecting and growing more than you give him credit for).
You say it's a two way street and he doesn't see the who picture. This is what people tell themselves when they feel the other person is wrong. What if it was a one way street, your H's version of reality was true to him every bit as much as the words you type are true to you? You can pin this on him not "wooing" you, but in his reality it looks much, much different. For him he had a need not being met that made his life feel unlivable. This was his QUEST in life, to try to understand how to communicate that need, or placate your demands, or whatever...he was trying to solve the puzzle and get his needs met because he loved you and this was all he needed to be happily married. He pursued the answer of 'what do I have to do to be worthy of love from my partner' for many years, and finally decided that it was YOU that wasn't going to allow him to win. So despite his love for you, your lives together, and the pain of the divorce, he HAD to walk away from a game that he couldn't win and that left him feeling hopeless and miserable EVERY NIGHT for YEARS.
That you understand this was hard for him but he just didn't go about it right, for you to pretend to understand what he went through when you go threads at a time not addressing your role in the breakdown of the sex life, how this affected him, or what YOU would've done differently...this just shows that you are glossing over this by 100%. I'm sure you don't feel that way, in your mind you have realized this and made changes. OK- let me ask- if you were in the same M with your H again, and he made no changes- could YOU by YOURSELF have changed the dynamic of the M? If not, why would you think YOUR next R would be any different?
You have been working hard to detach, set boundaries, and manage through the craziness that is an A. It's very, very hard. Now take him and his problems off the table and go back to you 100%.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
BW, sorry I haven't been on your forums to respond, just read through your threads and I'm so sorry about your current sitch. Totally understand what you mean about self reflection, my H is also lacking this process at this stage. Your self reflection will make you a stronger and more beautiful person inside and out.
Hugs to you BW.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Zues, you are right I have not been journaling about what I am working on and changes I am making. They are happening though and I feel I am making great strides. The reality right now is that regardless of what I am doing right now, H is unlikely to notice if he is in the throws of A in MY personal space. Or if he is noticing (more likely), he is still thinking I am not living up to his ideals. One of his issues has been conversation/ disengagement from me. We have been having 3-4 hour light conversations at a time and he says it is still hard for him to start conversation with me?? Probably because he wants and is able to have emotionally in depth convos with OW. We are not at a stage to have those kinds of talks, so he thinks the problem is still me.
Regarding sex, I have readily admitted that I could have and should have made more effort with regard to this particular aspect of our M. I have shared this with H. I have no problem admitting my faults and failures in our M. I am reading SSM by MWD as well as figuring out my own sexual needs and turn-ons. There are a number of things I now realize I could have done to make an effort. I have validated multiple times over past few weeks the extreme loneliness and hurt that I have caused in this regard. I have tried to be more empathic and compassionate to H about why he resorted to A while at the same time saying it was not the right answer. Maybe had I done this H would have given more of what I needed. Or maybe he would have continued to focus purely on his needs. I also think I am trying to focus on too many changes at once. My primary focus though as been on engagement, conversation, and anger management as those are actions that I can work on that H will see. Given that we are completely non-physical and H has expressed he has no desire and getting elsewhere, it seems hard to take action versus words in this area. What suggestions do you have for this?
I will not accept 100% blame for where our M is and we will have no R until my H can also recognize his part in all of this. My point is that until his is done with A, he never get to the stage to looking in mirror.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I will not accept 100% blame for where our M is and we will have no R until my H can also recognize his part in all of this. My point is that until his is done with A, he never get to the stage to looking in mirror.
I think you can only accept 100% of your half of the marriage. Yes he needs to accept 100% of his half too. Whether you ever get to his half or not should not stop you from working on YOU!
I would also like to clarify that I am only focusing on changing ME and my issues now. While I am journaling about what my H has contributed to Mmon this forum, that is not the focus externally. I am not sharing these thoughts with H. It is all about understand everything that needs to happen for new M.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
