Gang, I don't know where I would be without all the support and feedback. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to check in and take interest in my sitch. Zues, I will read up on your archived threats later today. T0, you have been so instrumental in my development. RAI, like you, I often don't take my own advice. And, I agree with all of you that I am not detached yet. Good stuff, forcing me to continue to self-evaluate.
However, I also don't think that one just wakes up one morning and is completely detached. Like everything, it's a journey and I feel I'm taking baby steps towards that goal. I took a baby step this weekend with setting some boundaries about contact and the children arrangement. Seeing as my phone contact with STBX is now limited, with everyone's help, I now need to fine-tune my approach during our physical interactions.
In regards to the hugs/head on shoulder stuff, I know I can strategically do things to prevent this from happening (sitting in love seat vs. couch, walking away from car after putting kids in car seats), but if I am not initiating it and not encouraging it, why should I be so afraid of it? Trust me, I see the value of limiting physical contact but I don't want to get to the point where I'm like 6 year old who squirms and says "Eww!" any time a female classmate comes near. I know this is overstating it a bit LOL.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I don't think its the running away that's the problem. It's that it makes you feel good. You see a hug or a lean or whatever as "a sign" or "progress". But she's manipulating you into thinking there's some change of heart possible. You are providing that comfort and security to her, and she's making you think there might be something there. But it's all for show.
How is a hug different from the morning talks you just stopped?
Matt, Intellectually, I know the physical contact means nothing. Emotionally, sure it's nice but I don't think it triggers any internal downward spiral. I certainly don't want her to feel comforted by me right now.
And, I agree that her initiated physical contact is similar to the recent enacted boundary. However, it's not one that's as easy to control like simply ignoring a phone call. Inevitably, it will happen again and I'm sure I may be in a situation where I am unable to avoid it. I just don't think it's a deal breaker. Yet, I can do better to avoid the situation. And admittedly, in the past, I might have lingered a bit to see if she would initiate the hug, etc.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
However, I also don't think that one just wakes up one morning and is completely detached. Like everything, it's a journey and I feel I'm taking baby steps towards that goal.
I am going to challenge you here, as others like Mozza and Caliguy have challenged me. I hope you appreciate it as I have.
I agree that detaching is hard, but is it a journey? Really? If you are partially detached, are you detached at all? Is there such a thing as being partially pregnant? Some days I am detached, and others I am not. There is no in-between. detaching is an act. Accepting that you are detached, or being comfortable with being detached, or becoming good/consistent at detaching, that is a journey. You may think I am splitting hairs, but by calling your detachment a journey, something to ease into, I think you are rationalizing your inability to detach. Ask yourself: By permitting yourself to take it slower, are you not sabotaging your efforts at detaching, thereby hindering the process?
Ultimately, you can do whatever you choose. You don't have to detach if you don't want to or don't think it will help, but don't kid yourself and say you are detaching if you are not.
Really? That seems a little deterministic. If STBX is still in a fog, we are giving her a ton of credit, like she has a process akin to our DB and is keeping wayward tally marks or something.
She might have gotten her emotional tank filled a bit this morning but that shouldn't last too long. I think I just need to regroup, continue to enforce the new boundaries, GAL, consciously detach, and ensure I am better prepared to handle my next physical interaction with STBX on Thursday evening. Easier said than done, I know. Fortunately, I know you guys will assist me along the way!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
If STBX is still in a fog, we are giving her a ton of credit, like she has a process akin to our DB and is keeping wayward tally marks or something.
How much keen strategy does one need to follow the basic laws of human attraction? She cheats on you, you pull back and establish your boundary, and she seeks to reattract you in order to get back the power equilibrium. It's basic "push-pull" dynamics, and she doesn't need a degree in quantum physics to play it.
However, I also don't think that one just wakes up one morning and is completely detached. Like everything, it's a journey and I feel I'm taking baby steps towards that goal.
I am going to challenge you here, as others like Mozza and Caliguy have challenged me. I hope you appreciate it as I have.
I agree that detaching is hard, but is it a journey? Really? If you are partially detached, are you detached at all? Is there such a thing as being partially pregnant? Some days I am detached, and others I am not. There is no in-between. detaching is an act. Accepting that you are detached, or being comfortable with being detached, or becoming good/consistent at detaching, that is a journey. You may think I am splitting hairs, but by calling your detachment a journey, something to ease into, I think you are rationalizing your inability to detach. Ask yourself: By permitting yourself to take it slower, are you not sabotaging your efforts at detaching, thereby hindering the process?
Ultimately, you can do whatever you choose. You don't have to detach if you don't want to or don't think it will help, but don't kid yourself and say you are detaching if you are not.
Just some food for thought. now think!
Stay strong, friend.
RAI
RAI, Thanks again for the attention to my sitch. I live for theoretical discussions, especially those in which I have no qualifications to engage in LOL.
I don't think you can compare the physical, like being pregnant, with the psychological, like detachment. I believe it is possible to be on a journey to detachment, same as one can journey from adolescence into adulthood.
Nonetheless, I think you bring up a solid point in which can all utilize to self evaluate. Thanks! If we catch ourselves in a behavior that shows non-detachment (like my interaction with STBX this morning), we need to check ourselves and question, re-evaluate, and correct our level of detachment.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
If STBX is still in a fog, we are giving her a ton of credit, like she has a process akin to our DB and is keeping wayward tally marks or something.
How much keen strategy does one need to follow the basic laws of human attraction? She cheats on you, you pull back and establish your boundary, and she seeks to reattract you in order to get back the power equilibrium. It's basic "push-pull" dynamics, and she doesn't need a degree in quantum physics to play it.
Starsky
Totally agree. I appreciate your feedback!
Moral of the story is I should have handled it better this morning. I swear I'm not missing the point! I will learn from the mistakes and put myself in a better position to succeed on Thursday night. I will use these next couple of nights to refocus.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
