Hardest Time of My Life

[Starsky309]

In truth My guess is, I more got the impression that she wasn't really very invested in the texting back and forth, so it wasn't that much of a sacrifice to get rid of it. And from the records, they were never sending very many messages.

There. Fixed it for you ^^^.

[HeavyD]

My question here is - doens't this come across as controlling and push the spouse awy further and further. Who wants to be with a controlling ahole?

See you always were controlling and now this proves it, you are showing your true colors here, would be exactly what she is saying.

[Starsky309]

My question here is - doens't this come across as controlling and push the spouse awy further and further. Who wants to be with a controlling ahole?

See you always were controlling and now this proves it, you are showing your true colors here, would be exactly what she is saying.

Heavy,

Where in this:

Brief update: I spoke with my W about the contact with OM. I said, "You have told me you want to move forward with mutual respect. Continuing communication with this person you have been texting crosses that line. End your communication with this person and tell them you are ending it and we can proceed on a more even footing."

do you see "controlling a-hole" ???

I see a strong man of integrity knowing what his core boundaries are, and being confident enough to be able to state them unequivocally to his wife.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Now, if you're saying that SHE will say "you're a controlling a-hole!" then I probably agree with you (and found it interesting that she DIDN'T, as I stated -- rather, she gave in rather easily). The overwhelming majority of wayward spouses (and nearly 100% of wayward women) use this "controlling" deflection, and it's best to just ignore it. Rather, focus on DOING THE RIGHT THING in every situation, and let the wayward's objections roll off your back.

[CaliGuy]

I too had a red flag pop up in my head ... like she gave in here to either get him to go on the trip so everything 'appears' normal .. or maybe the text thing is not hard to dodge and avoid as she has the communication she 'needs' elsewhere.

I do check myself on the skeptic front from time to time but this one seems like it went way to easy.

[u-turn]

If I may - I have run into this too. be wary.

My ww agreed to NC, and then went further underground with her A. There NEEDS to be more than "you're right, I'll stop". That isn't enough. WW's lie (that's just what they do). It can not be that easy.

Be wary. (Though I am a skeptic too)

[Matt777]

Just to add...my W called OM an hour a day for 2 weeks straight. I told her it made me uncomfortable and the calls stopped.......showing up on my phone bill. There are so many data-based calling apps, that it's so easy to go "underground". I'm not saying she is doing that....but be careful. But at the same time, the more you push the issue, the more you push her away.

[LostMN]

Just to add...my W called OM an hour a day for 2 weeks straight. I told her it made me uncomfortable and the calls stopped.......showing up on my phone bill. There are so many data-based calling apps, that it's so easy to go "underground". I'm not saying she is doing that....but be careful. But at the same time, the more you push the issue, the more you push her away.

This about sums up where I am mentally right now. There are so many ways she could still be communicating with OM that I cannot afford to expend mental effort trying to catch her in a lie. Right now, my boundary has been set down and until other things in our R begin to change that my time and energy is better spent on detaching, GAL and making a better, more aware self. Also, getting my act together at work. The constant distraction of focusing on trying to fix things and change her mind has cost me some performance.

[Matt777]

Just to add...my W called OM an hour a day for 2 weeks straight. I told her it made me uncomfortable and the calls stopped.......showing up on my phone bill. There are so many data-based calling apps, that it's so easy to go "underground". I'm not saying she is doing that....but be careful. But at the same time, the more you push the issue, the more you push her away.

This about sums up where I am mentally right now. There are so many ways she could still be communicating with OM that I cannot afford to expend mental effort trying to catch her in a lie. Right now, my boundary has been set down and until other things in our R begin to change that my time and energy is better spent on detaching, GAL and making a better, more aware self. Also, getting my act together at work. The constant distraction of focusing on trying to fix things and change her mind has cost me some performance.

I can't agree with this line of thinking more. You cannot control her actions. She is a grown woman and will make her own choices. And the more you try to control her, the more it makes her want to do those things. You've set your boundary to protect yourself - enforce it as you need to and let it alone. Any other energy or time spent worrying into her is wasted energy you could have been spending on you.

[LostMN]

Well, I guess I've been off for the better part of a week here. So, here's where things are:

My W came to me earlier this week and said a few things. First, we discussed the kids and how I continue to think that she is not dealing well with her anger when it comes to them. It does not happen all the time (maybe once a week), but when it does, we can see it coming a mile away. She starts with getting annoyed at the beginning of the day or evening and by the end, she is shouting at the top of her lungs. Anyway, she feels like it's just something that needs to happen sometimes. I keep trying to emphasize that it's a bad response to a predictable set of events and that if we can catch it earlier and start unwinding that anger before it gets to that point, then she won't end up shouting at our children. We didn't reach any resolution, just talked about it.

Second, she said that now she feels like I'm spying on her. The fact that I brought up her continued text messaging so far after the fact led her to this conclusion. At first, I told her all the things I had not done (never logged in to anything as her, never poked around on her phone, never poked around on her computer) but then later told her that I had been checking the phone records. I told her that I will not be doing that any more. And I mean it. She said (again) that she will not be contacting that person any more. I told her I believe her (and I do).

Then finally, she said that we need to sit down and talk about mediation. I said fine and she said we would talk on Friday night. Friday came around and we briefly discussed the fact that she had been in contact with a local mediation firm and wanted to schedule a consultation. I said that I would go to such a consultation. Nothing scheduled yet, but I imagine there will be in the near future.

And that is where the W situation sits.

For me, GAL is still not quite happening. I did go out on Wednesday night to a "Makerspace" where people go to a workshop and build stuff. I plan to start a membership so I can go and do some of my woodworking projects there without worrying about how noisy I am being. The GAL value would be in getting to know people there, so I may start by helping with other people's projects. I plan to go out again this Wed. and get signed up. I also plan to go out this Friday to see an old friend and his band play. I have lots of friends I haven't seen in years because I moved about 55 miles away from where I used to live. This Thursday is happy hour with work friends, so it's looking to be a pretty busy week. Going out this much makes me feel guilty because it leaves my W taking care of the kids, but I guess she is just as free to go and do things for herself. I do give her a heads up that I will be gone, but I tend to hold back on the details for now.

Other things working on for me: I have read through No More Mr. Nice Guy and I am trying to work through some of the exercises. I told my IC about the book and my efforts and he suggested that I should bring that information to my next appointment and we could discuss how I think I am doing. I am actually more positive about my IC now than I was when I started posting, but his tendency to focus on my W and the M had to be pushed aside a couple of times so I could focus on me. It seemed like we were able to at least delve into my aversion to having feelings and needs and how strongly I react when I finally have to admit to someone that I need help in something. It's kind of scary to spend so many years thinking that you are well adjusted and capable only to realize that yes, you are capable but you've been spending a lot of time sabotaging yourself. I think I always knew that, but never really wanted to take a look directly at it.