DifRent's Journey - 27 days in, thread 2

[DifRent]

Diff,

This was the text exchange I saw last night: "W: (Dif) is adamant that I can't unilaterally walk out on our commitment, so she says I'm having an affair." "OW: People walk out on commitments all the time. See the pain beneath her anger, and you be firm that it's over without anger. I'm sorry. I know you're miserable, love!" Love, she calls her! Lord have mercy. I was actually glad to see those texts, because it just confirms that whatever comes out of W's mouth these days is actually coming from the OW. She doesn't have her own mind at the moment. It's so sad.

Wow. Amazing how the OW twists things around and justifies their A. Crazzeeee.

Ignore that blather and continue doing what you've been doing.

I would suggest that when W tries to lean to kiss or hug you, I'd put up a stiff arm and say, "This is inappropriate considering where we are." You need to remove yourself from W's attempts to mollify her own guilty conscience.

I've resolved to do that, Wonka. "Mollify her own guilty conscience." Yes. That's exactly what she's trying to do.

[MadMax]

Dif -

Glad to see you are hanging in there.

Those texts are always difficult to stomach but provides a little context to the fantasy she is living.

I seems to me when you remove the source of what motivates them (you) they are likely to have less to talk about. Your WW complains and the OW listens, consoles and urges her to make changes.

Removing yourself from the equation and they are forced to have real conversations. Real conversations are not as fun and lose the allure of what's taking place at the moment.

None of this is easy and we kick ourselves when we backslide but we press on. You are on the right track, keep it up.

Have a great day!

[DifRent]

It's 11pm. I am in the corner chair of the living room, my WW is on the couch where, until recently, we would usually sit together in the evenings and watch our favorite show of the moment (Breaking Bad, House of Cards... tonight, Blue Bloods).

She spent the whole day, almost, with the OW. I so miss the days when I could be on that couch with her, resting easily together, legs entangled and falling asleep together. I want to go over and kiss her. I want things to be like they were... a mere five weeks ago.

What a mess. She's a mess. I need to set my strategy for this week. I hope she and the OW crash and burn quickly. I want her back. I want HER back. Not this woman.

Any advice for how to start a detached week anew?

[DifRent]

Okay, just wanted to say here that when you practice detachment properly and firmly set your boundaries, you'll see results. Whether the results last or not, and whether or not I overplayed my hand this morning after all this detachment, well... we'll see.

So... last night, she tried to give me a hug and a kiss before bed. I said, "Don't touch me." "No?" "No," I said. "Not while you're f***ing another woman." And I closed the MBR door.

I have been cool and detached all morning, of course... after my boundary setting last night. I get out of the shower and am almost dressed when she comes into the bedroom, looking at me sadly. I put on a t-shirt (really, watching me dress is crossing a boundary, too - think I'll just lock the door from now on) and she says, "I miss my room." And I reply, "Well, I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

I say, "But I'm right here."

"So am I."

"No you're not, you're somewhere else entirely. I don't even know who is inhabiting your body right now."

Then she comes really close, like she's going to move in for a kiss. "What are you doing?" She puts her head on my shoulder... "I just want a hug. Can't we be friends?"

"I told you, don't touch me while you're f***ng her. And friends don't do what you're doing."

She backs up, puts her head on my shoulder again. "I want things to be like they were, the only thing I can't do is come back to you." I'm like.... "I don't see the point in this conversation." And I walk past her...

She goes out of the bedroom and says, "What do you want from me to make this easier?" I said, "I want you to move out for two weeks." "To where?" "I don't know, maybe your new girlfriend's house?" "C and I don't have that kind of relationship." "No, you don't. In fact, you don't have a relationship. It's a fantasy."

"Well, I wish you would stop being so cold," she said.

And then, I basically gave a "speech" from a point of strength, assuming a power posture to her stooped and sad looking body. I said she might think I'm being cold, but in fact, I love her, and this is tough love. And real love doesn't abide one's beloved doing things that wrong, evil, hurtful, and dangerous. It doesn't just say, ok, let's be friends, have some fake hugs, do what you want. I reminded her that I'm the one who loves her more than anyone, that she's a mess, and while I can't stop her from doing whatever it is that's causing such chaos in her life, I sure as hell won't be an obliging "friend." I would be a real friend, a real partner, and a real lover. Which isn't easy, but then... when is real love easy?

She nodded the whole way through everything I said. I could see a glimpse of the W I love, and she said, "Thank you for this. I agree with everything you said."

"Everything?"

"Yes, everything. I am sorry I hurt you, and that I keep hurting you. I am sorry, really."

And she went upstairs.

I don't know if I gave her actual food for thought, or what. I just know that the OW is at work and unavailable this morning, so that opened up some space for her to come see me the way she did in the first place. I hope I came across as firm enough, but didn't give away any DB "strategy." I don't think so. And... odds are, once she sees the OW, this whole thing will fade away again. But maybe some of it will stick as we continue down this journey.

Sorry for the long post. I mostly wanted to communicate some satisfaction in seeing how the strategies actually got her coming to me like this.

[Matt777]

Always interesting to see what happens when the pursuer stops pursuing!

I'm glad you were able to set some boundaries for yourself. Just because she seems sad now doesn't mean it won't roller coaster to anger or other emotions later. Some of what you said may have come off as controlling, but I think that overall those points will be lost.

Now make sure you don't backslide on some of these things you set. I believe the tests will come. Watch out.

[Wonka]

Diff,

I'm like Tigger jumping on Pooh: Freakin' AWESOME!!!!

You have done all of us proud with your talk with W. Well done, baby!!

Now you really need to pull back, not be too available to W, ramp up your GAL. If W tries to kiss or hug (whatever) you, you just deflect and say "Please do not do this. You are not respecting my personal boundaries. I've asked you several times and you keep pushing it. I don't like it at all. This must stop."


W will try to cross it because she has enjoyed having the OW and you up until now. Be alert for those moves.

[Wonka]

Diff,

Just saw this post from our darlin' Starsky over in Defacto's thread that is very, VERY applicable to you as well.

How much keen strategy does one need to follow the basic laws of human attraction? She cheats on you, you pull back and establish your boundary, and she seeks to reattract you in order to get back the power equilibrium. It's basic "push-pull" dynamics, and she doesn't need a degree in quantum physics to play it.

BINGO!

[DifRent]

The power equilibrium. Wow... that's so true!

Thanks for the support, Wonka. I am working at the open work space today. She and I do need to spend time together this afternoon getting the property set up that we're moving the kids to in a few weeks, but I will stay detached.

[DifRent]

By the way, a friend of W and me today commented how "strong" I am with handling all this - after she was, of course, horrified to hear what's going on. Strong is not how I feel most of the time. But if I'm coming off as strong, I credit DB, and the support and insight I find in this group every day. Thanks to all of you.

[DifRent]

Sitting on the porch tonight, having a glass of wine. I'm in one corner, she's in the other. I suppose genuine detachment would be me sitting inside far away from her, but it was my idea to come out here, and I'm not going to avoid her just because she decides to invade my space!

I did leave for a bit to call my friend. When I came back, she was all, "Who were you talking to for so long?"

She is such a child. Why do I want this to work out again? I'm looking at her, and her narcissistic personality, and it's really embarrassing. For me that I married her, and for her - for all of this.