Hey Smothy. Just want you to know I'm still following your thread. I haven't felt as posty lately. But know that I'm rooting you on and in your corner.
Py quoted one of your comments about "I don't want to detach because I know I'll be done". That stood out to me as well. Your feelings will change, but they don't control you or your sitch. And detaching truly is a necessary step regardless of the future.
As for the "why" questions, those are good conversations to have with yourself to a point. Different people have different ideas of what's ok to "change up" in their lives. Some people get a new haircut. Some people switch careers. To me leaving a spouse just isn't done, and it's been painful and sad for me to realize this is so common nowadays. I remember asking my STBX at BD if she'd put my son up for adoption under any circumstance. She said 'of course not'. I said "I thought we were family too". It blows me away people make these choices.
But they do. And it's devastating. And everything you're doing is healthy. I'm glad you're suffering or I'd be afraid of you and think you're sociopathic. You've been betrayed and have suffered a loss that can never be fully healed with tremendous consequences to you and your family. Yes, it's going to rock your emotional world for a long time.
My DB coach told me of a woman that was suffering in the hospital. A priest visited her and asked her "how would you like me to pray for you?" She didn't ask him to pray for the pain to stop. She asked him to pray that she didn't waste her suffering. We all suffer. Human condition. There are things in this world that are tragic. It's ok to feel that. Find meaning in your suffering, and know you aren't alone.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you, Zues. I am detaching a lot better than last week. I have not looked at his FB or anything since 10th May. A huge turning point me. I can't say the desire to, is not there though.
I have had lots of vivid dreams about H and I together, holding hands etc. so real that I wake up with my heart hammering. Last night I dreamt of H and I in a restaurant but, bizarrely, the focus of the dream was the food. I could 'hear' H but the imagery of him hardly featured in the dream at all.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Meant to say, the WHYs are not hurting me as much, in fact, Some days, I am able to push the anger that comes with the questions away and work through it.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!
I'm wondering the very same thing dear Smothy! My mind is positively driving me crazy, checking FB, looking when he's online, reading waaay to much into everything..
I know how it hurts, I hope we both make it out on the other side!!!
Big hug!!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
We will Tulo, I am beginning to come to the conclusion we want what we can't have. I love H but held on so tightly because it was him that let go first and my fear of rejection/ abandonment kept me suffering.
With Letting go, hurting does lessens, little by little.
Big hug to you too!
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I have sent MIL some flowers for her bday (not unusual thing for me to do) she has just messaged me thanking me, and she hopes to see me in the Summer when I return. She lives over 3.5 hr drive away. Shall I reply to the email, if so how? H has spoken to her about D in January. She did not reply to the email I sent her to wish her a Happy Mothers Day in March.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Moving on, letting go! How my heart still hurts so much!
I'm wondering the very same thing dear Smothy! My mind is positively driving me crazy, checking FB, looking when he's online, reading waaay to much into everything..
I know how it hurts, I hope we both make it out on the other side!!!
Big hug!!
Tulo, I meant to say, checking my H FB and our joint accounts drove me crazy and just hurt me more. Please stop if you can. I have to actively say NO every time I want to. It has been nearly 3 weeks since I have last checked, but I still want to, so very much.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I will try dear Smothy and thank you for the advice. It is totally driving me mental! Today anxiety was so high I went to the pharmacy and bought some natural herbal anxiety medication. Seems to be helping a little.
Think this being let go could definitely be a factor in this being harder.. But him adding that woman yesterday and not being on FB for 20 hours (not totally unusual for him but still) it drives me crazy thinking of why.. Is he with someone else, doing what.. Well, mind is absolutely spinning.
Thanks for the "not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do" felt a bit better. Need these reminders constantly it seems.
We said we'd meet this week, I'll wait and see how it goes!
And I'll do what you do, tell me NO when I want to check his FB. Thanks for the tip!
Hugs!!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Leave Facebook alone. It's the tool of the devil! It's an imaginary outlet for people who can't communicate in the real world, with real people.
You guys are real. You have feelings, you have hurt, you have soul. What you see on a computer screen is just images and meaningless words. When did anybody really mean 'I love you' in a facebook message? It's got to be face to face. They have to want that interaction.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Received an email from H thanking me for sending his mum flowers for her Birthday and said his mum would like to see me. He has told her I would see her when I get back!!
Also in email asking for dates when I am coming to back, something I have given him already.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
