Heartbreak Warfare

[Painter]

He could just be very, very selfish, and not thinking about how it impacts you. Has he ever been cheated on?

[V2pt0]

Yes, he is being very selfish. Yes, the irony of all of this is that he was previously engaged prior to me and the engagement ended because she was cheating on him. I now realize that H likely never dealt with the pain of his past. So the thought that he felt he was making me happy in M likely made him fear abandonment again. He is acting out in all sorts of ways and definitely in crisis.

I guess this is the "it will get worse before it gets better stage"?! Oy!

[Painter]

My H was cheated on at least twice before. He said he moved on very quickly and didn't dwell on it or ask for any details. He's 'good' at stuffing emotions.

I hope you have a calm conversation with him... Maybe remove yourself for a while if you feel overwhelmed or need to think about something...

There's nothing anyone can say to make this better. Just hold on to boundaries while leaving the door open for him to make changes? Listening and staying calm, making my own changes and working on myself. That's what I've tried to do so far. Slip & fall, get back up on my feet again.

[V2pt0]

Ok, well that conversation couldn't have gone worse. All of my intentions went out the door the minute my H got home last night. H had really bad attitude from the second he came upstairs to find me to discuss my text and it threw me off mission. I am sure that was his intent and it worked. He was condescending and rude to me, which I pointed out to him. I asked why we could not have civil conversation. I allowed myself to get sucked into gaslighting and manipulation. At least now I recognize it and did not take it on.

I should have known it was wrong step to send text about A. I had doubts, but sent it anyway. H is adamant that there is no A going on, that I should have asked him if I had concerns, and that he has no reason to lie, when will I start trusting him, etc. He also said that he knew even before I was going on trip that I was going to question whether or not he brought someone home. Said he almost mentioned it to me before I left. Sure enough, that is what I did. I did not even know how to respond.

H said he was trying to work on friendship prior to text to see if we could start from there. WHAT?! But because of my text it has made him realize that things are probably too far gone to make M work. Thinks I am being too irrational and up and down. This turned into a convo about R again, which I had told myself I would not do. There was some good info to come out of this portion of our discussion-- things I can work on to make me better spouse. Also, H is upset that I admitted to snooping when I got home from trip.

Discussed him possibly moving out in August as next step. There is too much traveling for him over next couple of months to make moving out now realistic. Wants to wait and see after travel.

That was last night. Today he is barely speaking to me, avoiding me, and giving me guilt trip. The good news is that I am detached enough that I am not feeling overly emotional about this and know this is likely to divert attention from A. He is going to do what he is going to do and my text was trying to control him and the situation. Lesson learned.

I feel I took a major step backwards. Any advice on how to get back on track other than GAL, LRT, etc? Do I just ignore his temper tantrum?

[job]

Ignore his temper tantrum. They all say that there isn't an affair going on and that they are "just friends". Notice how his defenses were already up and in place when it arrived home...he knew that you were going to have that discussion w/him and he wanted to knock you off base, which he did.

Oh, yeah, you must tipped the apple cart and made him decide the marriage was too far gone. Hello??? In his mind, it's been gone for quite some time and he's using the confrontation as the justification/excuse to say the things he is and for moving out. Let him go. He needs to grow up and face the big old world and see it's not all that it's cracked up to be on the other side of the fence.

Now, it's time to get up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You will need to watch your finances and keep the focus on you.

[V2pt0]

Yes, that is his defense for A weeks ago. Our marriage was only in paper in his mind. He said no one would ever blame him for having A. I wanted to say like no one would blame me for snooping right now, but I bit my tongue.

Yesterday, he said I know you think that I should have come to you first to tell you how bad it was for me before resorting to A. He started to say that I would not of done anything, but I stopped him and outlined exactly what I would have done and told him he should not assume.

I have finally realized that I truly need to let my H go in order to get him back. It is the only way for him to sort himself out. I have still been holding on too tight. I guess because I have been worried by what he might find. But in his current state he is not suitable for marriage. More importantly, it is keeping me from fully working on myself. I am not using my gift of time wisely.

[V2pt0]

Not much to report. H is still barely speaking to me and staying out super late. He now seems to be back to full-on acting out like a teenager. I am sure that this is in response to me reminding him on Saturday that we are still married. I probably should not have done that because in his mind we are only in paper. Saturday he mentioned "that I don't own him". I have never told my H he could not do something and recently even told him he is free to make his own choices. I don't think he likes the consequences part though. This was in response to previously asking him to let me know if he was not coming home so I did not worry and could sleep and A accusations. Yes, I can see how in his current stage he would believe it is controlling. So I will not question that anymore. He is no longer mine to worry about. To prove point he came home at 1am last night. This morning, I did not ask anything about his day or evening. I was pleasant, but kept conversation short. He told me he changed work trip to leaving today instead of tomorrow. I told him to have a good trip and walked away.

I think this trip works in my advantage to do a better job of acting as if I have had a change of heart and decided to move on with or with out him. I leave for Dublin on Friday, so more time away would be good.

We have a wedding/weekend away we are both set to go on June 19. His side of the family. Any thoughts on whether I should pull out and stay home? The only loss is a plane ticket and I am fine if it is better for showing him life without me. I am leaning towards staying home. Thoughts? What should I say when I tell him?

[job]

Yep, he's rebelling and the comment about "not owning him" is very telling because he's looking at you as an authority figure. Continue to ignore his behavior and no more talks about the marriage or separation/divorce. I'm glad you wished hin a good trip.

Enjoy your time in Dublin. You need a break and this is the perfect place to have a bit of relaxing time. I love Dublin! The people of Ireland are wonderful and very friendly. It's amazing how much the landscape changes from one city/town to the next. Lots to see and do.

Now, about the wedding/weekend away. It's up to you, but I would still go. It's a great opportunity to visit w/family and also to show him how much you sparkle and can have a good time regardless of his behavior. Nothing says you have to stick to him like glue. Again, it's a great opportunity to visit w/family.

I do hope you have a good week. Don't worry about your h, when he sees that his behavior isn't affecting you, he'll settle down and be civil again.

[Painter]

I should have known it was wrong step to send text about A. I had doubts, but sent it anyway. H is adamant that there is no A going on, that I should have asked him if I had concerns, and that he has no reason to lie, when will I start trusting him, etc. He also said that he knew even before I was going on trip that I was going to question whether or not he brought someone home. Said he almost mentioned it to me before I left. Sure enough, that is what I did. I did not even know how to respond.

H said he was trying to work on friendship prior to text to see if we could start from there. WHAT?! But because of my text it has made him realize that things are probably too far gone to make M work. Thinks I am being too irrational and up and down.

I'm amazed that you were able to see anything positive from this conversation, it's a testament to your emotional strength!

Do you have proof that someone was there, another woman?

I would expect him to deny and deny and deny until you confront him with absolute proof. I had among other things phone records that showed that my H has been in OW's city when he said he was elsewhere - and it wasn't until I told him about it that he admitted to the A and started telling me about the details.

If you need to discuss something with him again, you can always put it off if you sense he is in a bad place. You could say you're not feeling like it's a good time and you can talk later.

Personally, I would have been suspicious about the early travel. I have previously checked on H's hotel reservation to make sure it was like he said...

[V2pt0]

Yes, I am finding that I have emotional strength I never knew I had. I did not get upset or yell, which is a 180 from my previous name calling.

I have 5 strands of female hair that is clearly not mine that I found in his bed. I have not been in that bed at all. I was holding out to see if he would fess up. I partially did not bring it up yet as it does elicit feelings of disgust that I have to comb through a bed because of fears H is still cheating. He also move battery operated candles up to his room for ambiance he said. Right. I bring up the hair on Thursday when he is back. I may also say I took to DNA testing. Enough for him to fess up?

Yes, I did think about trip as well.