Bob, I see you on here everywhere being so supportive. You are amazing!
Hello BW,
Ah, I'm not everywhere, but thank you for the kind compliment. I'll take it!
As for your question about boundary setting, I want to think about it.
Hang in there, you are going to make it.
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hi BW - I'm so sorry to hear that. As you say, it doesn't sound as though your H is in a place where he has your or the M's best interests at heart. Given that, I would focus on protection and self preservation. In terms of boundaries, what are the non-negotiables for you? If him having OP in the house is one, let him know that if this happens again, he will find his things packed up in the garage and he can find himself somewhere else to live. Or you may want to tell him to find himself somewhere else to live right now!
Without looking back, I'm not sure of all your circs, but I would certainly not consider ML just now, and if you are still sharing a bed, you may want to tell him you prefer to sleep alone just now. Have you read the boundaries thread at all? It is never about control of others, only about protecting you. And only allowing things within your own 'inner circle' if you are comfortable with them and they don't threaten your emotional safety or wellbeing.
Good luck with the convo and keep posting. We are all here to help (((BW)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh, no... That is awful. Disrespectful and ... Just incredibly disrespectful. And hurtful.
Your boundaries are yours. Everything you do is your choice. I know there are many who feel I should have kicked H out after I found out about the A - they had different boundaries. I know it took H by complete surprise that I very quickly said I wanted to work on our M.
Could it be that H wants you to take the responsibility for separating? That he's trying to get a reaction out of you? I have told H a few times when it comes up (he'll exclaim "this is it, this is why we should split") that he is free to leave, find another place to live, at any time. Door is right there. But he can't bait me into telling him it's over.
I guess that if H had taken up with OW again, in or outside our home, I would have told him *he* made the choice to leave, with his actions.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
"Could it be that H wants you to take responsibility for separating? That he is trying to get reaction out of you?"
Not sure what you mean. Like an exit affair? Can you clarify?
I have done that too. I have told H multiple times he is free to go, but he says he is not sure. Right now I refuse to make that decision. He will be the one to end our M, not me. I am not there yet.
Last edited by BW05; 05/30/1509:50 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
BTW, H has still not come home, so we have not had conversation yet. Seems to be avoiding confrontation/dealing with issue. Right on par for H. Only showing guilt more. Who knows if he will come home tonight. Would like to get this over with since the longer the wait drags on, the more nervous I am getting. Was very calm this AM. Feel sick to my stomach liking about it all.
Last edited by BW05; 05/30/1509:57 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
The reason why you haven't heard from H is that he's probably discussing with the OW ways to take the A further underground and come up with a script together. They're in a panic mode right now and in a deep strategy session at this time.
If and when H does come home, you really need to be VERY calm when stating your boundary for he will push your buttons and try to gaslight you.
Put a hand up and say, "Stop. We both know you're lying. You crossed the line by bringing OW in OUR house. That was an incredibly disrespectful thing to do. I am not willing to live in an open marriage. We have some decisions to make here."
Yes, you are probably right. He could have avoided that by keeping OW out of our home. He must be so in crisis that he is starting to make mistakes. Yes, I am very calm. I will put on award winning performance if I need to. I am not going to tell him how I know. If he starts to lie or deny, I plan to just stop conversation altogether and say that I refuse to continue to be manipulated by him.
BW
Last edited by BW05; 05/30/1510:23 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
That is awful. Disrespectful and ... Just incredibly disrespectful. And hurtful.