Separated/MLC No Change

[job]

Just a thought. If you have some cafes near you, go there and sit outside and have a coffee or a drink and people watch. You don't necessarily have to have others there w/you.

Join a book club at the local library.

Find some crafty classes, if you are into that sort of thing. I did stained glass when I first came here many years ago.

Find a hiking group.

Sometimes you have to think outside the box and venture forth and try something different. You might be pleasantly surprised that you like some of the new things that you try.

[Sotto]

Also, maybe a fitness class? Does your local leisure centre offer anything?? Or a yoga class? Local support group? Volunteering? Meetups? Ceroc? If you try & come up with a new regular GAL activity - one a month say - in six months you have lots more going on....

[Pink17]

Skhdive,

Lots of good advice here from Job and Toots, not forgetting 25years and her amazing list of GAL.

By my own experience, it is hard at the beginning, but then it start getting easier and easier. You need to expose yourself to the new and that is a bit uncomfortable at first.

But believe me, it gets better and makes you feel really alive again. It does not mean that you will suddenly resolve all the issues and just forget you H is even there.

Every time you do something, you will think about him being there. With time, you start changing that, and you will think that you and only yourself are enjoying your new activities.

The more you expose yourself, the better is a chance to meet new people, expand your circle of friends and have more opportunities to have some good time and fun.

I still go up and down, back and forth, but things are changing inside of me, and I am feeling a little better because I have been finding myself again, and it is getting easier too. I am more confident now then I have been for the last ten years.

25years gave you (and me) good advice that reach the bone core. She was very right and it is worth to follow it like a bible.

Try it small at first, if that is the way to start somewhere, you will feel better, I can assure you.

Have a nice weekend, enjoy it, you and S deserve.

XOXO
Pink

[skhdive]

Thanks for the support Toots Job and Pink. All good ideas and things I can do. I do belong to book club and gym and will start yoga in park next Saturday. I haven't tried a cafe but do have one near so I am going to do that. Really appreciate encouragementioned

[skhdive]

Ok I think I did pretty good this weekend thanks to all the support here. H came over yesterday and we took walk to park with S and dog on the way there we were talking about appreciation and my sister and H made the comment "ha I know how it feels to be unappreciated and I said I always appreciate what you do for me and H said you do now but you didn't for 10 years. Instead of arguing I just let it go and just said I appreciate what you do and all your help. That's all that was said.

Now you are probably thinking big deal but this is where I would normally launch in to asking about the R but I didn't. I let conversation end and changed topic.

something else I learned while listening to him was the fact that he was deleting my text and not reading them back when I was clingy and desperate. I said, "well I quit that a couple months ago." and he agreed. So FYI don't do that people. Good advice that I got from 25yrs don't talk about R.

Overall we had a pretty good day. H and I went for 45 minute motorcycle ride and then he went back to his house.

Again I am moving forward without any expectations even though yesterday he tug my hair etc (which may not seem like anything but its the most interaction he has shown me in months)

Still trying to get a handle on GAL cuz I just need to for myself. Thanks again for all the great ideas.

I sent shopping and bought a couple of new outfits for yoga and next weekend I am going to a concert with my sister.

[teach3]

I hear you on the no expectations. That's exactly where I'm at.

[25yearsmlc]

25years: I am trying to figure out some good 180's to do and I am not having much luck other than I have not asked about R in 3 weeks. Wahoo record for me. Any advice on 180's. The way I read it it means doing the exact opposite or something that H wouldn't expect. Is not wearing my wedding ring a 180? I have made a big deal about him not wearing his in the past so I feel like that would not be right for me not to.

When a spouse wants out of the marriage or is on the fence, at length, they usually justify it by vilifying the LBS.

That means they find fault in the LBS and often, some of the faults are real b/c hey, we ALL have some.

So whichever faults he has listed or complained of, those are the ones you should target IF YOU wish to remedy them. I mean, if HE thinks you are fat and you honestly do not believe that is true, do not change it for him.

But let's say he complains about you being late for everything & let's assume it's a fair complaint. And that you want to change it. So you do. This means you are choosing to make an AUTHENTIC CHANGE in your behavior. Not merely doing something tactical to win him back, only to revert to the old ways once you get your way. That is seen for what it is, manipulation.

SO in the scenario about being chronically late and wanting to change that...

You become MRS PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time OR early for everything...so his "Data" about you is no longer accurate or valid.

And so on. 180s mean you are countering his negative images of you, with new positive images.

Since you wearing/not wearing your ring is only to get a reaction out of him, it's a tactic and not an authentic change. Tactics will be revealed for what they are, and then your real true changes will be much harder to believe in then. Understand"

You are undermining HIS NEGATIVE views of you and the marriage. Make sense?

When you mentioned how he said the cabin always means work for him, my first thought was to tell you to APPLAUD loudly for the 1% of positives he does.
Saying something along the lines of "You DO a lot of work there. THANK YOU for making it into something we all enjoy so much."

Not b /c that's a 180, precisely, although it probably is b/c you probably say nothing about that complaint OR you argue with it b/c you don't want him to feel that way..

As you may have realized, arguing with someone about how they feel is fruitless and usually destructive b/c they will no longer share that specific feeling with you if they are invalidated when they share it.

AND the "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives they do" is a great tool my DB coach gave me for communicating with my h. And it's a new way of looking at marriages b/c we tend to focus on our Unmet needs and Not on what our spouse does that is good or helpful.

We tend to focus on the X% of that is missing...but applauding for what is good, tends to promote more of it and even when that isn't the case, it helps the r.

But it is damn hard to do at times.



H came over today and I went about my business, chatted with him a little and cheerfully left the house.

Great!

I put up our swimming pool by myself, he had said he would do it when he came over but I went ahead and did it myself. Took forever but I got it done.

GOOD JOB!

Today he saw it was up and he said "I told you to let me do it" I said, "you know I get an idea in my head and I think I can do something so I do it.

I appreciate in other ideas or if I am not doing this right. Thanks.

2 options that might have gone better in the last example

1) "I know you did but I didn't want to make more work for you"

OR
2) "you already had/have so much other work, I wanted to help you out a little."

You'll have other opportunities to say this type of thing again, but use them well!

AND when you do, do NOT wait for him to respond. Be on your way out the door or to another room.

Let him process this new positive reinforcement at the same time, he'll see that you are in fact a capable woman.

I'd also add some mystery to your life now too. Be vague about who you are visiting or seeing the movie with ("friends" or "people from work/church/neighborhod") unless he presses you for more.

Always act surprised (not angry or indignant but surprised) that he's pressing YOU for more information and

leave unsaid that you do NOT ask him for any...

maintain an upbeat contented demeanor b/c 1) unhappy people are not attractive no matter how much you think being sad might make him feel guilty b/c the more likely scenario is it'll make him flee faster

and 2) truly content people are magnetic. AND 3) behaving as if you are happy and inwardly content has the interesting effect of actually helping us become happier and more content.



Good luck

[skhdive]

Thanks 25years I get the 180 now that you explained that way. I have some work to do.

[skhdive]

25years and Pink and anyone

I need help, we have a bank account together still as his he had said in past its a separation to hopefully get back together and that remains to be seen. So I have been paying attention and I notice that he has been taking cash out when he is making a purchase at say a gas station it will say purchase with $40 cash back it seems he does this at least twice a week for 40 - 50 dollars.

Then he uses the debit card for all other transactions like food, misc etc so its not like he is spending the cash that I know of.

My question is do I confront him with these cash withdrawals or keep my mouth shut. I feel like he is stashing money. I guess if I confront him he will get mad and deny it. Anything I can do? Any suggestions? Is he just spending it on whatever he doesn't want me to know what he is buying?

I am not having a good day I feel like cashing it in. He comes over and makes me feel like we are working on things and then I see all of this and I just don't understand.

[job]

They tell us what we want to hear if he is withdrawing funds then I suggest that you take out half of the money and set up a separate account now. Your h could very well be putting the additional cash into a separate account or spending it on himself or someone else. Protect yourself and your financial stuff, as well as your bank accounts...take half out now before he drains the account. He could be testing you to see if you notice the cash back stuff and will eventually decide to take even more out.

If you confront him, he's going to deny it and call you paranoid and then gaslight you into thinking you are the one that is getting paranoid or trying to control him.

Until this man is actually doing the hard work to reconcile, i.e., actions speak louder than words, I would not hold my breath on him being truthful w/you about what he's doing activity wise as well as monetary wise.

You have to protect yourself and you certainly can't rely on him to do so right now.