I know Fogg: I'm just really drained man. I won't make any rash decisions.
I'm just torn on two things: can I do this and is it worth it.
You're most welcome, BE. I am elated to hear you won't make any rash decisions. I think Fogg put things better than I did. (Hi Fogg!)
Can I do this and is it worth it? I can't tell you how many times I wondered that myself. Then, I remembered all the good times with my lovely W and, with the support of the loving people here, my answer for myself is "Yes, it is worth it."
Nothing truly worthwhile is ever easy, as I'm sure you know.
Keep that thought in focus, keep working on yourself and try to detach.
I am certain you CAN do this, BE!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I'm just torn on two things: can I do this and is it worth it.
You can do this. I wont lie, its going to be hard, very hard. But at the end of this you will walk out a better man, with or without W. Meaning it will also be worth it no matter the outcome. Trust this process.
Once you properly DB it will get easier also, you will be able to cope better. I obsessed in the beginning also. Not just some, I mean nearly every second of every day. Going over things for hours and hours in my head, couldn't think of ANYTHING else. We keep trying to show you this is what happens, all of us have experienced it to some extent. We are also showing you how to get through it.
I was so done at one point I wanted to end my life, things get better.
We have all been in the place you are right now but doing what works by DB'ing will get you past it with time.
These are what I see the two outcomes if you DB.
1. You and W come out of this a stronger couple-WIN.
2. You and W don't come back together but you have made yourself such a badass person you will happy regardless-WIN.
WIN-WIN situation, just realize it, do the work, profit from it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I'm just torn on two things: can I do this and is it worth it.
You can do this. I wont lie, its going to be hard, very hard. But at the end of this you will walk out a better man, with or without W. Meaning it will also be worth it no matter the outcome. Trust this process.
Once you properly DB it will get easier also, you will be able to cope better. I obsessed in the beginning also. Not just some, I mean nearly every second of every day. Going over things for hours and hours in my head, couldn't think of ANYTHING else. We keep trying to show you this is what happens, all of us have experienced it to some extent. We are also showing you how to get through it.
I was so done at one point I wanted to end my life, things get better.
We have all been in the place you are right now but doing what works by DB'ing will get you past it with time.
These are what I see the two outcomes if you DB.
1. You and W come out of this a stronger couple-WIN.
2. You and W don't come back together but you have made yourself such a badass person you will happy regardless-WIN.
WIN-WIN situation, just realize it, do the work, profit from it.
Thank you so much. Ok. I guess it's time to take the plunge.
If I'm hearing everyone correctly I need to focus on detaching and GAL. Stop trying to control her. Approach this as if I am moving on with my life.
Am I hearing that properly?
I could use some help with goal setting. All of you are so familiar with my sitch that I think it would be helpful.
So screw it: let's do it right. I'm ready guys. And I'm LISTENING now
Ok. Time to get to work! I'm going to let one of the experts help you with goal setting. I'm terrible at it.
But in the meantime, start thinking of ways to GAL by yourself. What things can you do? What people can you meet? What exciting things can you do with the kids?
Let me brainstorm a bit on GAL. I'll post some ideas when I have them.
Good idea BE!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Ok guys. I will brainstorm GAL ideas and post in the next day or two.
I need specific advice on the following if I am to do this right:
How the heck to I detach? What should my goals be? How do I measure them? How do I change the dynamic of my interactions with my W? I can't avoid interactions because of the kids so how do I completely change them to stop being destructive?
You asked very good questions! When you first joined this forum, Cadet most likely posted someuseful threads. One was on detachment. It's a bit long, but you should take the time to read thru it all.
Anyone want to take a stab at BE's other questions? BE is very motivated now and needs our help.
I'll check back with you tomorrow. Hang in there!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
