Last night ... W shows to pick up S, distant, I noticed she looked tired. TM wise she was chatty some, nothing R related .. but friend ish. She was quick to leave, I was cleaning the kitchen... did the how was your day but I do not really want to know dance .. I walked them out, she said I didn't have to but I told her I really do not mind.
Was thinking about ^^ ... maybe a nugget for someone dealing with this .. was one of my 180's, becoming the man I wanted to be. I think it was around this time last year I would always walk her out to her car ... OM or not .. Monster or not... walk her to the car and open her door for her. I have done this little act of kindness consistently. At times it would upset her, she would tell me I didn't have to do this .. I was always nice and calm, smiled and told her no trouble at all .. I did not mind. My way of walking a bit taller, taking the high road, being the man I wanted to be.
So anyways .. W left I went back up and finished cleaning, watched a show or two, walked the dog, Talked to S, was PMA, went to bed early .. not a peep/TM nothing from W, normally as I mentioned this is clue OM is back .. but I just have not felt it is the case .... and like we talk .. even if so .. nothing I can do about it. Last contact I know of was a month ago.
This morning W TM me, asking how I slept but more importantly wanted my help on docs for S's daycare (She is getting her tax stuff together I assume) So I gave her the account info, pretty much like a neighbor would let someone borrow some flour. She called me with some issues, nothing major, made sure S was set for this years summer camp (I already took care of it but evidently W got confused, realized I already paid it in full last month) I thanked her for checking and making sure (Thanks for the advice guys .. on compliments and positive feedback)
Later W asks for some movie recommendations .. evidently she watches/listens to Netflix at work ... lol .. smh .. so I gave a couple good ones I have watched. She called and shared her medical (neck troubles) issues and what she was planning on doing, I validated like a champ ... then we chatted for about 15 minutes, she was actually fun and nice .. playful. Was a nice talk. Again after the past couple days I just let her be and here she comes ... seems making sure I am still here, she brought up the weekend retreat, not so much about the issues or anything but about scheduling pick ups and drop offs, checking to see if I was flexible which I told her no problem. Feels like mini tests because I know I used to be pretty strict when it came to schedules.... after this whole thing I have learned to relax, take things as they come.
W picked up S last night, another cold brief visit, I was cleaning and cooking ... walked them out and went back in .. watching a movie and playing chess on my phone. W TM 'test' on my phone, I replied ... then she tome me her phone has been acting up, she was tired and going to bed.
She has been looking pretty rough lately, stress no doubt hitting her. To top it off she shared her new boss has someone coming in to 'learn her job' and the rumor is 3 of them (her included) are going to be let go. I just STFU and listened as she opened up about how this will impact her. Could not help but think how much she has lost during this crisis ... not that her job is a result of it, but its another thing not going her way while dealing with all the fallout.
So knowing all ^^^ this has nothing to do with me, I have remained detached, content and just going about my buisness W TM this morning (I was at work early and out back so I did not respond)
W:I'm not purposely being distant. I love waking up since 3a.m. lookinf for work. We are all tense right now. I just hope I dont go off on his (I assume new boss) a$$.
She TM some more about her new boss ... but I did find it interesting she would reach out and try to let me know she was not being distant because of anything I was doing. Again I did not reply, she then called... as I answered she said in a cheerful voice "So you ARE alive" ... I explained I was at work, she asked why so early and I told her, then she talked about her issues .. work, new boss ... I listened, did not give her advice nor try to fix .. just heard her out, ended the call and wished her a good day.
Its rather peaceful being detached a bit, not riding that emotional rollercoaster with her every move or non-move. Its also going to be interesting if she does lose her job. I do not see her being able to afford the Beach condo ... nor will I give up my place and move into that one ... aka the OM-W love nest. She may have some serious decisions to make and the timing is not right as far as us moving back in with each other. Hard to believe we have lived separate for almost 2 years now.
So everyday with MLC is like Forest Gump's box of chocolates .. not sure what I am gonna get
You got this. You are handling it really well. And yea, it succks to be her right now. She has to figure it out or it doesnt stick. Facing those demons is tough stuff. I feel for her some.
I am happy that you are doing so well, my friend. Keep going.
Hi Cali. I was wondering if that had ever come up, your living situation, so you answered that question. She has a lot on her plate right now, and doesn't sound ready for it, so brace yourself and keep the spew jacket ready!
The other day my mom and I were talking and something about H came up, and I told her I feel sorry for him. She said, I do too. There is no way they are in a good place, to do the things they do. I would so much rather be in my shoes, then his.
I hope to learn how to STFU the way you do. Where you always like that or is it something new for you?
How is your S doing with the changes going on? Does he ask you questions, or is he just kind of going with it?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Cali. I was wondering if that had ever come up, your living situation, so you answered that question. She has a lot on her plate right now, and doesn't sound ready for it, so brace yourself and keep the spew jacket ready!
Yeah, WAAAY back before I joined this board and knew what MLC was... We had lost our house during the economy fall of 09 when she was laid off for over a year ... finally she got a job and we were renting this nice little house that was near a lake. In Nov13 she pulled all the money from the account informed me I had till the end of the month to find a place ... she needed 'space' So I sold my little 4x4 stayed with a friend for about a month then rented a room in a house where I could keep the dog .... yanno cuz this was only going to be a month or so till we could work things out. LOL.
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
The other day my mom and I were talking and something about H came up, and I told her I feel sorry for him. She said, I do too. There is no way they are in a good place, to do the things they do. I would so much rather be in my shoes, then his.
Maybe its me, I am not sure .. at times I feel sorry for her, but man some of the things and decisions she made .... not that she deserved all she got ... but if she is on the tail end of the crisis and if I am close in thinking it all started around 2009... looking at all that was lost during that time makes one shake his head. Also makes me think about others who go through this without knowing ever ... just over a few years their spouse changes so drastically and its just accepted ... 'we didn't work out ... we grew apart' and go their separate ways and abandon the crazy. Not so sure that isn't the healthier option .. I know for certain no way would I sign on for this ride again.
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
I hope to learn how to STFU the way you do. Where you always like that or is it something new for you?
LOL .... if my W could speak here she would love the stage. No STFU was a SERIOUS 180 for me. But when I started doing it early on W opened up and gave out a bunch of secrets ... it was like I discovered uranium or something, Its been a vital tool in all this, not only letting her vent .. but gathering information as well as helping in the push/pull dance her and I have been playing for a long time.
Originally Posted By: mleigh4
How is your S doing with the changes going on? Does he ask you questions, or is he just kind of going with it?
He is doing well. He is a very smart sensitive kid. W in her MLC craze made the mistake of inviting OM and his kids over early after BD... just weeks in fact (Part of the fairytale .. new family .. totally happiness) and S would ask me all sorts of questions, especially after OM planted a kiss on W in front of him confirming to S that W lied about OM being just a friend. He realized very quickly .. talking a month after BD that things were not right and W was not 'mommy' ... she was different. He made the remark that he thought she was asleep doing things she would not normally do... very insightful for a 8 year old.
After I came to grips with things .. realized this was MLC and had learned about it to a point I may not have understood it (Who does fully ya know) but I accepted it and it gave some answers to alot of questions... 2x4's be darned I have talked to him through all this, never painting W in a bad light but I told him she was going through some things.. things that are hard to explain but used the tunnels and fog analogy and told him she will either come out of it .. or not. I laughed as he asked if one of them was named the 'angry tunnel' as she had quite a session there for some time.
I have been honest to a point with him keeping age appropriate issues in mind, I think most people would cringe .... thing is I do not believe you can shield the kids completely, they are greatly impacted as are we, but we can get so focused on our own pain and confusion we could easily miss the chance to lead our kids out of the burning building .. that's one thing we do not totally go into here are the kids, who are the tragic casualties in this ... and I fear W's MLC could pass on to him .. if I can do anything to prevent that I will ..knowing that MIL is very well still stuck in MLC after all I have learned.
I recall when my W was in the twilight of the A I got this: "My therapist told me that I am just so far ahead of you in all this, I have ended the M, healed and moved on with my life and it just will take you some time"
Saw this post over in DifRent's thread. OMG!!! Did W's therapist actually say this?? Or was it one of W's half-truths?
I recall when my W was in the twilight of the A I got this: "My therapist told me that I am just so far ahead of you in all this, I have ended the M, healed and moved on with my life and it just will take you some time"
Saw this post over in DifRent's thread. OMG!!! Did W's therapist actually say this?? Or was it one of W's half-truths?
Well I am not certain. However this was the SAME therapist that W decided just a week after BD... guilt was sinking in .. mind you OM was in full effect and I had no clue but W and IC knew about it ... anyways W had me go in and her IC explained how she could in fact MC us and IC us separately ... had I known anything about anything I would have see the HUGE red flag as she was IC with W months prior .... anyways I kid you not 25 minutes into the session the 'IC' said "I think you two should separate" .... no joke ... I sat there like I was hit in the face with a shovel as W and IC discussed how to make it 'easier' for all involved.
To this day I think W set it up with IC to break the news to me ... felt like an intervention of the Twilight Zone variety.
1 session .. 25 minutes ... and THAT BD .... so yeah I actually think IC may have told her that noise.
Took a few months of more unhappiness the IC didn't fix for W and W stopped going to her, went through 3 others as far as I know to this point where she is not seeing a priest.
There are some really bad IC's out there.... grrrr
While looking for MC's last month her name popped up on the list supplied to me from my Medical Insurance ... the fun part of me wnated to schedule an IC appt (free for the 1st 6 visits) just to properly thank her....lol
Wow, that's horrible and really ticks me off about the counselor. It's no wonder you are a little gun shy there. I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea to somewhat "interview" an MC at the first session, ask THEM questions, you know? To make sure they are solution oriented.
So my question above about your son, I meant to clarify, has he noticed anything different since your W has come out saying she wants to try to work things out? Is he noticing you guys are communicating more and doing more things together? Is he showing any jealousy about not having your undivided attention?
Just curious, I see that in my son sometimes when we do things with his dad.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
