Time to be awesome

[BEClem]

Thank you for your honesty, BE.

I want you guys to understand I'm not dense: my depressive nature, PTSD and anxiety disorder cause me to have CONSTANT racing thoughts and I struggle tremendously with acting on emotion.

What are some of the solutions that can be used to tackle these ^^^ challenges? Cali just gave you an hint....

-IC?
-Get on some AD meds?

The most important things you MUST do right now are:

-Drink a lot of the STFU smoothie (Cali has pallets of orange-vanilla flavored ones that he can ship out to you)
-GAL (you are obsessing over your situation/W waaay too much)

What are your GAL activities/plans for tonight, Saturday day, Saturday evening, Sunday day, Sunday evening?


Hang in there.

I am on ADs already: recently increased dose. I should probably set up a counselor.

As far as GAL: I'm working all weekend. Seeing my kids Sunday afternoon.

All I do is work and obsess over this. That is me being brutally honest.

[job]

Well, well, well...that took less than week and you know what? Your wife and I knew you wouldn't keep your mouth shut when it came to relationship and divorce talks. You've been building up to it since she mentioned the visitation schedule w/the kids.

Like Wonka pointed out...how many times are you going to hit that brick wall before you put that duct tape over your mouth and listen to what we have advised you to do? Do you like backsliding? Do you like knowing that your wife knows you better than you know yourself?

Wonka's absolutely correct. You do like to talk about your situation and what you perceive as good dbing. You've been skirting the db edge and not actually doing what you need to be doing for you.

I will repeat one more time some of the things that we all have advised you to do. It will be up to you as to whether you follow them or not, but if you don't, that is on you and you will have no one to blame but yourself if your wife files. You have disrespected her wishes time and time again and how does that look attractive to her? It doesn't. So here goes:

1) Cut back on doing things at the home. You can still do some things, but don't jump up and do them all. After all, it is her residence for the time being.

2) When you are there visiting w/the kids and your wife goes out...DON'T CALL HER UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY!

3) Please stop trying to control your wife and what she's doing with her life. You are separated and what she does is none of your business, i.e., just as what you do is none of her business. Respect her boundaries.

4) Start taking the kids out and visit w/them elsewhere. There are plenty of places that you can take them w/o it costing you any money. If you don't know...start scanning the local papers. Summer is upon us and there are going to be all kinds of activities for the kids and YOU.

5) You need to stop being so darn needy, controlling and whiny around your wife. If an IC can help you with this...go for it!

6) Find things to do for yourself. You've got entirely too much free time to sit around and think about her and what she's doing. Trust me, she's not thinking about you unless you are bugging her. Not a good quality in any person.

7) I want to read more about what you are doing w/yourself and less about your wife. If you want to talk about your kids and what you are doing w/them, then fine...but until you stop obsessing about her, you will never let her go so that she can find herself.

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to listening to what the posters are advising you to do. Listen, listen, listen. We aren't here dishing out advice and offering up support just to hear ourselves think and talk. The only person that can help you is yourself.

That is my two cents and no, it's not a 2x4.

[BEClem]

Well, well, well...that took less than week and you know what? Your wife and I knew you wouldn't keep your mouth shut when it came to relationship and divorce talks. You've been building up to it since she mentioned the visitation schedule w/the kids.

Like Wonka pointed out...how many times are you going to hit that brick wall before you put that duct tape over your mouth and listen to what we have advised you to do? Do you like backsliding? Do you like knowing that your wife knows you better than you know yourself?

Wonka's absolutely correct. You do like to talk about your situation and what you perceive as good dbing. You've been skirting the db edge and not actually doing what you need to be doing for you.

I will repeat one more time some of the things that we all have advised you to do. It will be up to you as to whether you follow them or not, but if you don't, that is on you and you will have no one to blame but yourself if your wife files. You have disrespected her wishes time and time again and how does that look attractive to her? It doesn't. So here goes:

1) Cut back on doing things at the home. You can still do some things, but don't jump up and do them all. After all, it is her residence for the time being.

2) When you are there visiting w/the kids and your wife goes out...DON'T CALL HER UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY!

3) Please stop trying to control your wife and what she's doing with her life. You are separated and what she does is none of your business, i.e., just as what you do is none of her business. Respect her boundaries.

4) Start taking the kids out and visit w/them elsewhere. There are plenty of places that you can take them w/o it costing you any money. If you don't know...start scanning the local papers. Summer is upon us and there are going to be all kinds of activities for the kids and YOU.

5) You need to stop being so darn needy, controlling and whiny around your wife. If an IC can help you with this...go for it!

6) Find things to do for yourself. You've got entirely too much free time to sit around and think about her and what she's doing. Trust me, she's not thinking about you unless you are bugging her. Not a good quality in any person.

7) I want to read more about what you are doing w/yourself and less about your wife. If you want to talk about your kids and what you are doing w/them, then fine...but until you stop obsessing about her, you will never let her go so that she can find herself.

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to listening to what the posters are advising you to do. Listen, listen, listen. We aren't here dishing out advice and offering up support just to hear ourselves think and talk. The only person that can help you is yourself.

That is my two cents and no, it's not a 2x4.

Yes ma'am. Can we start with goals? I need real help.

[Zues126]

I want you guys to understand I'm not dense: my depressive nature, PTSD and anxiety disorder cause me to have CONSTANT racing thoughts and I struggle tremendously with acting on emotion.

Understood.

I'm on a very mild med. It's not even an AD. It's more of a 'stabalizer' and mild sedative.

I had racing thoughts like crazy. I'm talking pages and pages of journaling in the middle of the night. Grandious thinking. All or nothing. Extremes. Anxiety driven.

Some of this was worked out throuhg IC. I think that's critical. But the med was like putting on a coat when I was outside in the freezing cold. I could still feel my emotions. But they didn't overpower me. I am still myself. I am still driven. I am still exceptional in some ways. But I am in control of me.

I'd really, really recommend a good IC. Frankly your M is not the biggest issue right now. Mental health comes first.

[Bob723]

Hello BE,

I'm sorry I haven't been around for you. I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days.

It sounds like you are getting good advice, especially from Wonka!

Any GAL activities planned for the weekend?

Hang in there!

Bob

[BEClem]

Guys. I have to do a little soul searching. There is part of me that is asking if this is worth it. If she is worth it? Do I deserve better?

I know the part I played. I don't hide from it. But her part is very big as well.

This while separation is like the dynamic of our entire relationship on steroids: her way or the highway, no compromise, verbally berating me.

I am beaten down. I am tired.

You know I wasn't always like this at all. I'm 35 and didn't start having problems until I was about 30.

Just to vent a little bit and to explain why I need to decide if she is even worth it:

I've had people who have been close to our r since the beginning approach me over the last 6 months and tell me: she beat the sh"t out of you mentally for 8 years and you snapped. And now she blames you.

I don't know if that's the truth or not. But I did always feel controlled by her. Almost afraid in a sense. Always trying to please her but it never being reciprocated or good enough.

It's strange. I feel for my children. They are such wonderful little people and I don't want then to grow up like this.

There is a big part of me that wants to stop messing around and just committ fully to DBing the right way, not my way, and see where it takes me because at this point what else do I have to lose.

But I have that nagging question: is she really a person I want to be back in a r with?

The honest answer is if she weren't willing to change some: probably not.

I don't know. I'm just really really emotionally and mentally beat down.

[Bob723]

I don't know. I'm just really really emotionally and mentally beat down.

BE,

I completely get it, really I do. You ask great questions that, for the most part, only you can answer.

But, with the way you are feeling now (completely understandable!), I don't feel like now would be the time for you to make any major decisions. Heck, take things one hour at a time if you have to. Don't even think about tomorrow right now.

You need time to reflect. I'll bet you are stronger than you think.

Maybe this verse will give you a moment or two of encouragment:

“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).

Bob

[Fogg]

You have so much to work on with yourself, but you continue to place all the focus on her. I understand your tired and beat up, but its only because you keep making what shes doing about you, and your DB'ing about her. You have both backwards.

You spent how many months pursuing and obsessing about her (as we all have) and now you want to give up? BD'ing has a very important part associated with it, making YOU a better person.

I would leave that question for now and finally DB, for you.
You're running on emotions right now and wanting to make decisions, its a bad combination.

Change who you are, and maybe she will change who she is. Move forward with your life. That doesn't mean leave her, it doesn't mean keep pursuing her. It means move YOU forward and make BEClem the best person he can be.

[BEClem]

Thank you Bob.

I know Fogg: I'm just really drained man. I won't make any rash decisions.

I'm just torn on two things: can I do this and is it worth it.

[Matt777]

There is part of me that is asking if this is worth it. If she is worth it? Do I deserve better?

is she really a person I want to be back in a r with?

OK, Im probably going to repeat what Fogg said ^^^. And Im going to repeat what I and many have said in so many posts in your thread. I dont know why I keep posting the same comments to you. But I truly want to help you, so here goes anyway.


The problem with your thoughts is that the answers to the questions you are asking here DONT MATTER. You have been hurt; your wife, who you love very much has fired you asher husband. She has made it clear she does not want you to be her husband anymore. That [censored]. That hurts. That would and does crush EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT IS HERE.

So, what can you do? Whats the healthy thing to do?
1) Detach from her. Stop letting the things that she does or thinks hurt you. Stop trying to control her to change her mind.
2) Get your own life. Get yourself where you dont depend on her as your source of happiness. Take pride in yourself. Take joy in your friends.
3) Improve yourself. You have gotten such an important lesson from your wife; you know the things about yourself that other people dont like. You learned about what you dont like about YOURSELF. Now, you have time to fix and improve them. Take advantage of it.

From what I understand, these are the three keys to DBing. At no point in any of that above did I make mention of reconciling, of getting your wife back, of repairing your marriage. The above things are going to take you weeks or months. You will be a completely different person by then; so IT DOESNT MATTER what your answers to the ^^^ are right now. Just like you dont want your wife to answer the "should we stay together" question now, you dont need to answer the "is she worth it" question now.

The only way to proceed here is to work on you. On BEClem. And not to get your wife back....to make you the person you and your kids deserve for you to be.

Your whole life, as you said is your work, and your family. And that just plain isnt healthy. By making that your whole life, you cant heal and improve yourself in any of the three things I mentioned above. You just flat out have to do those things to become a whole person again...you cant control what your W will do or whether she will give you another chance....you CAN control you and doing the things you need to do to.

Im wishing you the best. I really am.