You can do it. One second/minute/hour/day/week/month at a time. Put one foot in front of the other.
You've tried everything else and that hasn't worked. Why not really clot to this and see what happens. THE WORST THAT HAPPENS IS THAT YOU BECOME THE BEST BECLEM YOUVE EVER BEEN.
Progress is good, keep up the good work. Baby steps at times if you need, it will take time and you will likely make mistakes. All you can do is learn from them and keep moving forward.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Already covered the kid schedule and how I compromised on that one. Forgot to mention W and I were able to communicate that that discussion was ok with her and that my expressing how I initially felt about the big picture (us) that she did not view that as a breach in our agreement on me giving space and her thinking. So that is good: Not really a backslide.
Had the kids: Over at my house from 4-8.
One other interaction that occurred this evening: W was out while I was there. Dryer stopped working. I go to check fuse box. Do the trip: Other stuff in the house goes out. So I text her to let her know. No answer. Call and leave VM.
End up calling my Dad over because he is more handy than I am. Anyway we figure out new dryer is drawing too much power etc. We get it figured out and I have my Dad bring the clothes to his house to use his drier.
While this is happening W finally calls me back about an hour after I had left her a VM. I tell her what is going on. She said she had been taking a walk on the beach and left her phone in the car because she didn't want any disturbances.
Then I acted without fear. Very calmly I told her that I understand we're going through this whole space thing and that she chooses to leave when I come over. And that is fine. But that we are still married and have the kids. I explained to her that when she leaves I feel she should have her phone readily available because what if an actual emergency occurs. The dryer and power in the house wasn't an emergency, I simply was doing the right thing by informing her of what was happening. But if a real emergency occurred, with the kids or something, she needs to be readily available to answer a call. That I do that for her and she should do the same because as parents it is important.
She actually did not fight me on this or get angry in any way. She actually agreed.
So that was a win: I acted without fear of how she may react because I felt strongly that in spite of our current circumstances we need to be available to each other in case of emergencies and such.
Anyway. That was today. A couple of interactions where I felt unafraid to express some things and it didn't backfire.
The lack of fear I think is a step in the right direction for me on a personal level and how I am growing each day. Could be the first step toward detaching.
W and I were able to communicate that that discussion was ok with her and that my expressing how I initially felt about the big picture (us) that she did not view that as a breach in our agreement on me giving space and her thinking.
Sounds like a good day overall.
I'm not sure I understand the quoted part though. You re-discussed this conversation to clarify some things? I don't understand why you would bring this all back up. You know the rule about "believe none of what they say and only 50% of their actions"? I'm concerned that she's telling you what she knows you want to hear.
I'm not saying you really messed up. But this feels like way too serious of a discussion to be having so early into going into the "reduced contact" stage.
I'm glad you've got a more regular schedule figured out and the night off should be good for you.
Also said that compromise is a two way street and that overall what we are currently doing is not what is best for the children and would eventually like her to meet me in the middle on the big picture.
We briefly discussed that she knows I would like her to meet me in the middle eventually on the big picture and that she will not ignore my overall feelings on that and will continue to think on it.
Its good that you compromised on the schedule, what did she suggest at first? I cant imagine you said no to her initial request of only 1 day. Its progress to giving her some space. How can you get out of the house with you and the kids on another day during the week? She needs that alone time just like you do.
The quoted part above, I assume this is regarding the M, and not being separated anymore? Every time you throw comments like that at her mixed in with whats best for the kids your telling her what she can and cant do, trying to control the situation. In her mind whats best for the kids doesn't matter, its just how it is. She will justify it anyway she feels, and anytime you go against that thought it roots her more in doing this. Telling her whats best for the kids isn't doing whats best for the kids because it only prolongs her thinking this is the right path. Let her figure that out herself.
BEM, not sure if I've posted on your sitch before but I've been reading. There's one thing that stands out to me like neon paint in a black-lit Y2K shelter.
You are being very controlling. Please reread the quote above in regards to how invoking what's "best for the children" is a recipe for disaster. When I read this I fist pumped in the air because it was both so spot on, and because it was so obvious to me this was overstepping. Now reread your last post. Seriously? You can't take an hour walk on the beach to calm your thoughts? That's borderline craziness. And even if it isn't, it's not really your place to step in unless it's a TRUE threat to the kids.
I don't trust your judgment on this so let's look at an example: Leaving kids alone in a bear's den after winter hibernation covered in honey- THREAT Taking a 20 minute shower- NO THREAT
The fact is there isn't a real threat here, you are just so hurt by her decision to leave you that you DISAPPROVE of her behavior, and you are trying to influence it with whatever "hold" you still have. That's a great way to let the last hold erode and lose a parenting relationship that your kids would benefit from.
My DB coach told me there are four steps: 1) let the dust settle, 2) Become coparents, 3) romance, 4) reconciliation. She said the biggest part of step 1 was sending a message through your behavior that you understood and respected her autonomy.
So to recap point one just to make sure you don't miss it again- DO NOT tell this person what to do. You don't control others you're not married to, and trying to control your W probably was a big factor in getting you here as well.
Instead I'd recommend you follow the advice you've been given about focusing on yourself. Read your last few posts and see how caught up they are with your interactions with your WAW. I'm sorry to tell you that none of this matters. If you and your W are remarried in 5 years that's great, but it won't be because of a tactic today, it will be because of the changes you make AFTER you drop the rope. You mentioned this is a marathon, not a sprint, but you don't start moving down the path until you are able to let go of the rope tying you to the ashes of your old M.
Good luck. And I mean that sincerely, not snottily. I'd like to see you take this step.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
W and I were able to communicate that that discussion was ok with her and that my expressing how I initially felt about the big picture (us) that she did not view that as a breach in our agreement on me giving space and her thinking.
Sounds like a good day overall.
I'm not sure I understand the quoted part though. You re-discussed this conversation to clarify some things? I don't understand why you would bring this all back up. You know the rule about "believe none of what they say and only 50% of their actions"? I'm concerned that she's telling you what she knows you want to hear.
I'm not saying you really messed up. But this feels like way too serious of a discussion to be having so early into going into the "reduced contact" stage.
I'm glad you've got a more regular schedule figured out and the night off should be good for you.
Matt. Just to clarify. It was during the second conversation when I decided to compromise on a schedule. We were able to communicate that it was ok with her that I had expressed some views in the first conversation when I was unsure if I wanted to set a schedule and that she did not view it as a breach in our agreement of space.
I don't think she was just telling me what I want to hear. It was just kind of within the flow of the conversation and cordial. Her tone of voice is very "cold and pissed off" when she is telling me something that I know is just simply what I want to hear. This was different.
Also said that compromise is a two way street and that overall what we are currently doing is not what is best for the children and would eventually like her to meet me in the middle on the big picture.
We briefly discussed that she knows I would like her to meet me in the middle eventually on the big picture and that she will not ignore my overall feelings on that and will continue to think on it.
Its good that you compromised on the schedule, what did she suggest at first? I cant imagine you said no to her initial request of only 1 day. Its progress to giving her some space. How can you get out of the house with you and the kids on another day during the week? She needs that alone time just like you do.
The quoted part above, I assume this is regarding the M, and not being separated anymore? Every time you throw comments like that at her mixed in with whats best for the kids your telling her what she can and cant do, trying to control the situation. In her mind whats best for the kids doesn't matter, its just how it is. She will justify it anyway she feels, and anytime you go against that thought it roots her more in doing this. Telling her whats best for the kids isn't doing whats best for the kids because it only prolongs her thinking this is the right path. Let her figure that out herself.
BEM, not sure if I've posted on your sitch before but I've been reading. There's one thing that stands out to me like neon paint in a black-lit Y2K shelter.
You are being very controlling. Please reread the quote above in regards to how invoking what's "best for the children" is a recipe for disaster. When I read this I fist pumped in the air because it was both so spot on, and because it was so obvious to me this was overstepping. Now reread your last post. Seriously? You can't take an hour walk on the beach to calm your thoughts? That's borderline craziness. And even if it isn't, it's not really your place to step in unless it's a TRUE threat to the kids.
I don't trust your judgment on this so let's look at an example: Leaving kids alone in a bear's den after winter hibernation covered in honey- THREAT Taking a 20 minute shower- NO THREAT
The fact is there isn't a real threat here, you are just so hurt by her decision to leave you that you DISAPPROVE of her behavior, and you are trying to influence it with whatever "hold" you still have. That's a great way to let the last hold erode and lose a parenting relationship that your kids would benefit from.
My DB coach told me there are four steps: 1) let the dust settle, 2) Become coparents, 3) romance, 4) reconciliation. She said the biggest part of step 1 was sending a message through your behavior that you understood and respected her autonomy.
So to recap point one just to make sure you don't miss it again- DO NOT tell this person what to do. You don't control others you're not married to, and trying to control your W probably was a big factor in getting you here as well.
Instead I'd recommend you follow the advice you've been given about focusing on yourself. Read your last few posts and see how caught up they are with your interactions with your WAW. I'm sorry to tell you that none of this matters. If you and your W are remarried in 5 years that's great, but it won't be because of a tactic today, it will be because of the changes you make AFTER you drop the rope. You mentioned this is a marathon, not a sprint, but you don't start moving down the path until you are able to let go of the rope tying you to the ashes of your old M.
Good luck. And I mean that sincerely, not snottily. I'd like to see you take this step.
Zues. Thanks for chiming in. I appreciate your advice and perspective. Thank you.
