I was thinking exactly what Job posted. To me it seemed shes trying to tell you that your at the house too much in either a polite or indirect way, since the physical separation isn't giving her the space like she thought it would.
Its very difficult to detach from this situation, but its whats best for you. It will take time and effort, but you will get there eventually.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
One of the lessons to learn here is "not to assume" anything that you think they might do, say or think. Because things change on a dime and I don't think any of us are mind readers or have crystal balls that we look into all of the time.
Listen, validate, affirm, be polite, and above all else dig deeper for patience. Dig even deeper for patience and know that you are starting to have a better understanding of what DBing is all about.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time. Don't rush the process and if you backslide, learn from the step back and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on that old DB path.
Knowing my wife it's that she really does miss not seeing the kids all the time. Those kids are her world. She's been a stay at home full time mother for 6 years.
But I won't assume that is the reason. And I will take everyone's advice and when she brings the subject up again I will work cordially with her on it.
Morning everyone. W texted me last night. Apologized and said she had completely forgotten she had volunteered for a PTA event at my son's school this morning and asked if I could come over to watch the girls (daughter and niece).
I didn't know what to do. I waited about 15 minutes. Asked her what time she told me I said ok she said thank you.
I didn't know what else to do. I thought about saying no but I was available to do it and didn't want to lie. She was reaching out for last minute help and maybe I should have just said no but I didn't know how to do that "effectively".
Here is the backslide: W brought up the visitation schedule. I was calm but honest with her and told her I wasn't comfortable with it and would have to think about it. Expressed that in my opinion seeing less of the kids was not best for them. Also said that compromise is a two way street and that overall what we are currently doing is not what is best for the children and would eventually like her to meet me in the middle on the big picture.
Thought about it for a while after the conversation and realized it was the wrong approach. Called her back and told her that I had decided that I would meet her in the middle on this (taking everyone's advice). This conversation was much more pleasant. Her request was reasonable. We briefly discussed that she knows I would like her to meet me in the middle eventually on the big picture and that she will not ignore my overall feelings on that and will continue to think on it.
So we settled on a schedule that was very reasonable. She only wanted Tuesday afternoons with the kids. So I only loose one day.
I truly listened to her and felt she truly listened to me during the second conversation.
So I made a slight mistake today and initially acted on emotion (but didn't show anger / just firmness). But realized my mistake and self corrected.
I would not say you backslid ... you held your ground, thought about it and reconsidered realizing the schedule was fair.
I do think job is on point with her perspective .. your WW wants space, obviously more space than what you are wanting/willing to give ... again its the pursuit/distance dance you see around here all to well ... at this point in the game you are all up in her buisness and its going against every fiber inside you to not be this way .. I totally get it, I really do.
This is why the GAL is so important, at first it just gets you off her back, then as you become more involved in it it begins to take your mind off of things ... then the switch goes off and you find yourself GAL'ing more just because you do not want to be close to the drama ...... she will test you, once you begin to actually be thriving because of the distance seems to confuse them .... we need to get you to that point, while walking the balance of being able to showcase your 180's from who you were during the depression phase.
Also said that compromise is a two way street and that overall what we are currently doing is not what is best for the children and would eventually like her to meet me in the middle on the big picture.
We briefly discussed that she knows I would like her to meet me in the middle eventually on the big picture and that she will not ignore my overall feelings on that and will continue to think on it.
Its good that you compromised on the schedule, what did she suggest at first? I cant imagine you said no to her initial request of only 1 day. Its progress to giving her some space. How can you get out of the house with you and the kids on another day during the week? She needs that alone time just like you do.
The quoted part above, I assume this is regarding the M, and not being separated anymore? Every time you throw comments like that at her mixed in with whats best for the kids your telling her what she can and cant do, trying to control the situation. In her mind whats best for the kids doesn't matter, its just how it is. She will justify it anyway she feels, and anytime you go against that thought it roots her more in doing this. Telling her whats best for the kids isn't doing whats best for the kids because it only prolongs her thinking this is the right path. Let her figure that out herself.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
