Wonka, I've said a lot of the things you've said, maybe a bit differently. This is how things are: I do not agree to an open relationship, but I can't stop her from doing whatever it is she is going to do. I have to let her take this journey, and I couldn't stop her anyway if I wanted to. She has moved to the guest bedroom, so we are living as roommates right now. However, she doesn't get to just decide that this committed partnership is over because she says it is. I am committed to her and to the relationship, even though it's over now as we know it - even though her behavior actually REPULSES me at this moment. It's a strange place to be, but as far as I'm concerned, until I agree that it's over, she is cheating on me. And right... I will not cover up the truth. She is going to have to deal with a hit to her reputation in this town, and might even find herself a pariah among some people. So be it.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Also... had a good chat with one of the DB coaches today. What she's suggesting won't be easy, but it boils down to two things: my W has quite an ego that the OW is stroking and I am not, and my W misses a certain confidence - professionally, in particular - in me that drew her to me in the first place. So, I need to up my confidence and affirm her when there is an authentic reason to do so. This will be challenging in practice, but it makes perfect sense. She's in the heady throes of "being in love" with the OW, so I've got my work cut out for me. But I can see that if I am steady and consistent (not predictable - unpredictable, in fact), confident and pleasant, then should things get crazy with the OW who is not very stable, I just might have a chance. And if I don't... I'll be that much further along the process and better equipped to handle whatever comes. This afternoon? Inching up on the roller coaster. I know it will come crashing down again. But I can't let it show.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
You've said your boundary to W and she's heard you. If she tries to pull out the 'maintaining friendship' card, you can use this script in response that is one variation from CaliGuy:
As far as the Social media .. I 'unfriended' my W ... she asked why, gave me the "I know we are divorcing but we can still be friends for S's sake" ... my reply was simple, Make no mistake, if we D we will not be friends, I will co-parent with you to the best of my ability but I am not interested in a friendship, I would never keep a 'friend' who left me like you did and cheated on me with an OP ..... D is not want I want but I respect your choice.
You can substitute "breakup" or "physically separating" in place of divorce.
I suggest that you take the following actions immediately:
1- Go pitch black dark. Do not engage unless it's about the kids 2-Get out of the house and work outside of the house 3-Ramp up your GAL activities 4-No more discussion about the OW at all 5-Pull waaaaay back from W
Put up a hand and say, "Stop right there. I will not have any conversations with you about the OW. It is totally inappropriate."
Also... had a good chat with one of the DB coaches today. What she's suggesting won't be easy, but it boils down to two things: my W has quite an ego that the OW is stroking and I am not, and my W misses a certain confidence - professionally, in particular - in me that drew her to me in the first place. So, I need to up my confidence and affirm her when there is an authentic reason to do so. This will be challenging in practice, but it makes perfect sense. She's in the heady throes of "being in love" with the OW, so I've got my work cut out for me. But I can see that if I am steady and consistent (not predictable - unpredictable, in fact), confident and pleasant, then should things get crazy with the OW who is not very stable, I just might have a chance. And if I don't... I'll be that much further along the process and better equipped to handle whatever comes. This afternoon? Inching up on the roller coaster. I know it will come crashing down again. But I can't let it show.
Just coming in to say how great it is how far you've come in such a short time. You can do this.
I hear you, Wonka. My coach today suggested I go a little lighter, though... not to be too present or accessible, but to begin to do the things that will attract her back, to be unpredictable, combined with the friendly neighbor approach. I am afraid if I go totally dark, it will only speed things along in the direction of divorce. I've been pretty dark and angry lately, and it's not helped things, I don't think.
I have ramped up my GAL activities, but I have to say, for someone who prefers to stay home more evenings than not, this is going to wear me out! But I will for sure avoid all conversations about the OW. Will act like she doesn't exist. Thanks for your insights.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Thanks Matt. Trying not to be overwhelmed with everything crashing in at once. I wish my stomach didn't hurt all the time. It's in a constant knot. But you know the feeling.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It is amazing how they all say the same things. It only reaffirms, though, that it's pathological behavior.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Heading out to a networking event that we usually attend together. We will both be there, but arriving separately. She will also, for the first time since the BD, see our mutual friend and my greatest support through this trial, as we'll be arriving together. Should be interesting... will be my most detached and charming self. Our friend wants to slap her. But she said she'll behave herself
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
