I just want to clarify my comments from the last thread. I'm not (and I don't think anyone is) suggesting that you go into a cave and emerge in a couple months as BEC2.0. What I'm suggesting is to be a LITTLE less available. Remember, you want to be her husband. You don't want to be an errand boy, maid, and babysitter. I get that she didn't miss you in your 3 months away. I'm just pointing out that I worry that the path you are on now may lead to some baby steps towards friendship and amicability - but may not lead you to where yo want to go.
You asked if I went with him to his IC. No, I don't. Not because I don't want too, it's because he doesn't tell me about them. We are in MC together on a weekly basis.
Also, about you doing things for your wife. You need to let her know what life is going to be like if you do divorce. That means she needs to take care of the house, yard and etc. If you keep doing these things for her, then she will think life will be easy.
In my first marriage, I handled everything from working full time, taking care of our three kids, cleaning, cooking and taking care of the all the yard maintenance. Then when my H and I divorced he came to me and said I can't work full time and take care of everything else. I looked at him and said, you expected me to do it. He was speechless.
So, I divorced my second H, he will be in for a rude awaking as well.
So I'm sort of torn on this advice. If my goal is to truly change myself back to my pre-depression me and beyond than the things I am doing, the behaviors I am changing are consistent with that.
No I do not want to be her babysitter or maid or errand boy. I want to be her husband. In my mind, that is what I am doing.
So far as her having to see what life without me would be like. I'm trying to show her, genuinely, that she would not be going back to the R of the last 5 years. Because she wouldn't be.
Cal and I had a short discussion on some of this stuff and what she perceives post-divorce life will be like vs the legal reality of it.
After I found the paperwork she was filling out a few weeks ago I set up a consultation with a close friend of my family who practices family law. I just wanted to know how things would shake out if she did decide to file and divorce. What I was told was this: The home would be mine, I have every legal right to return whenever I choose. The judge would rule my W able to work (which she has not done in 7 years being a stay at home mom), we would most likely be granted Joint legal and physical custody of the children, and the alimony payments, based on what I make, would be so small that my W would have to get a full time job and essentially support herself and her and I would jointly support the children. And the procedure would take about a year.
Fast forward to my last backslide 4 days ago where I promised the 2 months of space and got the "I will think about reconciling" answer. During that discussion, before we agreed on the 2 months and the "I'll think about it" she said that is it it is over. So I said than you are going to file? She said yes. So I asked her what am I supposed to do? What exactly do you think this is going to look like? She said that I could just go rent an apartment and she would continue to live in the house because it is her house and that was that. And the divorce would be final within a few months.
So then I asked her if she had consulted a lawyer. She said she had. I asked her if she had inquired about what post-divorce would look like: living arangements etc. She said they did not get that far into it. She then asked me if I had spoken to a lawyer. I told her that I had after I had found her paperwork. I made it clear that I did not want it to get to that point but I did explain some things (not everything: I stayed away from what custody would look like and such) but I did tell her that the house is not hers, even though she thinks it is, and that I can return anytime I choose but I have not out of respect for her. I also told her that proceedings take about a year. Not a few months.
She had no answer or argument after I stated these because they are simply facts.
So, she obviously has some perception about what divorce will look like that just does not match what legal reality will be.
The attorney I consulted with, again a close friend of my family, was very blunt and said if your wife decides to go through with this it is not going to be what she thinks its going to be. Basically she will go from being a full time parent with a husband who supports her financially to a part time parent who will be deemed fit to work and essentially financially care for herself.
I don't know if that conversation qualifies as her realizing what life without me would really be like but that is as close as I've gotten to having the "do you know what this is really going to look like if you do this?" conversation.
I'm hoping that what I told her that I learned maybe sunk in just a touch.
But time will tell. As far as my behaviors guys, I'm trying to be myself again and show her that if she decides to give reconciliation a chance that she will not be coming back to the bad version of me. It is the good version. The real me.
So even though she is treating me like crap I want to rise above it. Be a great Dad. Be kind and give space. Let her work through her anger at her own pace while I get strong. If I want to be her husband than I feel I need to act like it. Because that is the real me.
I'm sure you guys will beat me up a bit and that's fine. But this is an interesting topic. I'm sure there is a way where I can gradually start striking a balance between helpful and unavailable. But I just don't know how to do it exactly so please feel free to continue with suggestions.
So far as today is concerned. I never initiated any contact. She did TM me and told me her dinner plans are still up in the air because her one friends son is sick but that she will know later this afternoon and if they fall through she will come home right after dentist to be with daughter so i can spend some father / son time with the little man.
I'm just going to let this one go however it goes today. Things are very fragile and I'm only on day 4 of truly giving her space and time to think without questions or discussions or pursuit. So I kind of want to keep putting positive interactions in the bank.
I know there may come a time where I will have to start taking a firmer stance on things. But I think it is too early for that and if I do it will backfire.
Just speaking from experience with my own W. I had a talk with her about what finances would look like after we separated/divorced to show her what life would be like. I was also trying to show her the reality of the situation. The message she heard was that I was saying she couldn't do this, and needed me. That its not going to be how she wants and reasons she should stay with me. Not great from her point of view.
The day after BD I asked W to give me a month to see how I can change and not force me to move out. (The thought never occurred to me then I had a choice). That month went by and I thought things might be getting better, I was doing everything right. She didn't mention me moving out much until a few days before the end of the month.
To them when we ask for a time frame to "work" on things, that's all they see. A countdown until they continue what they were already planning to please us, they don't care about what we do to win them back during that time.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You can discuss finances all you want, but what she hears is "you can't do this." So my worry for you is this: she's going to keep you on as long as you're willing to do errands, watch the kids, etc. and once you start getting pushy again about reconciling, she will say that you haven't changed and finally leave.
I get what you're saying. You weren't there. Now you need to be there to return to your old you. I understand that. That's why you can't go full NC. I get it. But you need to show YOURSELF and therefore her that you CAN move on without her. You need to take the focus off of her and keep it on YOU. Every post I've read is about how to get HER back. I know - that's the ultimate goal. But in order to have a chance at succeeding, you need to actually detach yourself emotionally from her.
You say she didn't miss you while you were gone. I'm guessing that's sonething she said. I'm guessing it's donething she said while you were pushing her to R. So what does that really mean? Not much if you ask me. And you know what, if it's actually true, inserting yourself as you have isn't going to make her miss you any more.
To be clear, I haven't been here that long. My W and I are separated and she's running headlong to D. I truly may not know anything about what I'm telling you. Giving advice is a lot of a lot easier than living it. I don't know you and I don't know your W. I just want to let you in on where I see this heading based on your current state and the tone of your posts.
Yes, but the point is you were trying to TELL her, which doesn't work. Whenever you try to tell them or reason with them they see it differently. You have to show her through actions or let her find it out herself.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/27/1507:20 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
AMEN! That is absolutely correct...actions speak louder than words!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm working on the emotional detachment as well guys. I get that part. I really do. I'm working on it because as I go through this process I do understand that I need to prove to myself that I can stand on my own. I'll get there.
