I get that doing these things could be 180's ... but you do have to see how being that close is not good for your detachment ... and by detachment I am not talking physically .. for you .. emotional detachment.
If your W gives you the boot, but you are there as Lawn service, Maid, Babysitter ... that is great, for HER, you are still not her H, she fired you .... at some point she needs to realize that you bring quite a bit to the table, you are the prize, you are the guy a fool would leave ... now if you could somehow pull these things off .. say mow the yard while she is out with the kids, then go to the gym or something .. you are doing your duties so to speak but not completely availible.
An example ... I am Mr Fixit .. its a big reason why I am here, I wanted to please W, even more so after BD .. her car would not start .. boom I was there .. iPad was acting up .. I drove 30 minutes just to fix it that night ... then I realized I was helping her, helping OM too ... she gave him all the good stuff and I was only there to make things easy.
She was sick last December, asked for me to pick her up a few things ... I reminded her I was fired from that job, I was certain OM would be more than happy to help her, he was infact Mr Wonderful.
Well the A is and has been over, last week she broke the washer. Let the laundry go as long as she could .. even stated S had no clothes, I sent some with him ... took care of his needs. She asked what she should do, I told her I was busy till the next weekend, gave her the location of the coin laundromat, she wanted me to fix it that night ... nope, I have my GAL's ... sorry ... call Sears. She waited, did not want to pay, while she was at the coin laundry I went to her place... on my schedule, had it fixed in 30 minutes... and left. She TM letting me know she just got home putting the laundry away, how it muse stink for me to use the coin laundromat (She took the washer and dryer) and she asked how much Sears would charge her ... I TM her back letting her know I fixed it that morning, Acts of service, on my schedule ... and she realized not having me there to fix things as I do kinda stunk.
So I get you are there as your 180 from what you 'were' ... but were you really that checked out? Is she punishing you, making you jump through hoops ... no WAW will respect a guy who jumps through every hoop she puts out there. You can still do the 180's but I suggest figure out a way she feels your absence ... she did tell you to back off remember?
Just making a point here, many of us did the same. We weren't H's for our W's, we didn't pull our weight in our M. The thing is, when the W has decided they are done with the M, they no longer want those things from us. They don't mind, sometimes, if we do them because it saves them time doing something and they don't have to do anything for it.
If that is all we do then they see it as a desperate attempt to save it. Certain 180's do not work when the W has checked out. The dynamics of our relationships are different so its not always more of the same.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do this, if you feel that strongly about it then do what you feel is best for your sitch. I have a similar situation in mine where standing up on firm things and putting pressure on her has a drastic effect. The point in doing those things is to build respect, I found alternate ways to apply small amounts of pressure and the way I handle myself to get the respect. Or so I think.
At the end of the day you are the one living with the results from your actions, but there is truth in what they post above.
Is there any way you can back off on some of it and GAL with kids/let W live her life, you live yours? Try to find some middle ground that works for the advice and what you are comfortable with.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out.
Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part.
My H is doing the exact same thing. He is still in a fog.
What woke you up? When I read your story, I feel like I was reading mine. I am lost. I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried talking to him, but it's like talking to the wall.
He wanted us to move back in together this coming up weekend and I told him that he still treats me the same and until I see some kind of improvements, then I am not ready for him to come back. He wants to move back without doing any work.
He is about to lose everything, but yet he doesn't seem fazed by it.
I will def try and find some middle ground guys. What Cal said made sense as far as not physical but emotional attachment and doing things on my time line. Not hers.
Speaking of her. I believe I just had another test thrown my way and am seeking advice on how to handle it before I act.
About a half hour ago, W sent me TM to let me know that her and kids were still out. Went from beach to playground.
She then told me that she had tentative dinner plans tomorrow with three of her girlfriends (she named names and I know all three of them) and that they are trying to work out a time but if it falls through than I can take S out tomorrow afternoon when she gets home from dentist.
Now, what my emotions are telling me to do is to call her and say A) why are you still out with the kids when it is 7pm and it is now our 2 year old daughter's bedtime. And B) don't you think you've gone out with your damn friends while ignoring the heck out of me the last 6 months and isn't our Son and I spending time together more important than that crap? And oh by the way, isn't our marriage more important than all this crap?
But, obviously I am not going to do that.
I have not answered the TM yet. So I am asking: What should I do. Not answer? Or if I do what should I say?
I get that doing these things could be 180's ... but you do have to see how being that close is not good for your detachment ... and by detachment I am not talking physically .. for you .. emotional detachment.
If your W gives you the boot, but you are there as Lawn service, Maid, Babysitter ... that is great, for HER, you are still not her H, she fired you .... at some point she needs to realize that you bring quite a bit to the table, you are the prize, you are the guy a fool would leave ... now if you could somehow pull these things off .. say mow the yard while she is out with the kids, then go to the gym or something .. you are doing your duties so to speak but not completely availible.
An example ... I am Mr Fixit .. its a big reason why I am here, I wanted to please W, even more so after BD .. her car would not start .. boom I was there .. iPad was acting up .. I drove 30 minutes just to fix it that night ... then I realized I was helping her, helping OM too ... she gave him all the good stuff and I was only there to make things easy.
She was sick last December, asked for me to pick her up a few things ... I reminded her I was fired from that job, I was certain OM would be more than happy to help her, he was infact Mr Wonderful.
Well the A is and has been over, last week she broke the washer. Let the laundry go as long as she could .. even stated S had no clothes, I sent some with him ... took care of his needs. She asked what she should do, I told her I was busy till the next weekend, gave her the location of the coin laundromat, she wanted me to fix it that night ... nope, I have my GAL's ... sorry ... call Sears. She waited, did not want to pay, while she was at the coin laundry I went to her place... on my schedule, had it fixed in 30 minutes... and left. She TM letting me know she just got home putting the laundry away, how it muse stink for me to use the coin laundromat (She took the washer and dryer) and she asked how much Sears would charge her ... I TM her back letting her know I fixed it that morning, Acts of service, on my schedule ... and she realized not having me there to fix things as I do kinda stunk.
So I get you are there as your 180 from what you 'were' ... but were you really that checked out? Is she punishing you, making you jump through hoops ... no WAW will respect a guy who jumps through every hoop she puts out there. You can still do the 180's but I suggest figure out a way she feels your absence ... she did tell you to back off remember?
Yeah Cal. I was that checked out. I have been a completely different person these last 5 years than I was my entire life.
It was bad my friend. Clinical depression is a soul killer.
The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out.
Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part.
My H is doing the exact same thing. He is still in a fog.
What woke you up? When I read your story, I feel like I was reading mine. I am lost. I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried talking to him, but it's like talking to the wall.
He wanted us to move back in together this coming up weekend and I told him that he still treats me the same and until I see some kind of improvements, then I am not ready for him to come back. He wants to move back without doing any work.
He is about to lose everything, but yet he doesn't seem fazed by it.
Hope. I feel for you. I really do. Is your husband depressed?
And to answer your question: It took my wife telling me she was done and me realizing that she meant it that woke me up.
The reason I asked if he is depressed is because like I've said, it is a soul killer and needs to be treated.
Going through a depression is unexplainable unless you've experienced it.
When I was at my worst: I felt nothing. No emotions. I functioned from the standpoint that I ate. I slept. I worked. But I shut everyone out. I mean EVERYONE.
I understand depression very well. He is on medication for depression.
I thought me telling him that I filed for a divorce would wake him up, but it didn't. Maybe if I just continue with the divorce and have him serve, maybe that will wake him up. I doubt it.
