hold on! - 10

[Vanilla]

U

I do believe this is a slow and steady sitch. I also know that you currently have the resources to achieve that which you need.

Do I think you are DBing, yes absolutely you are. For yourself and your children, you are the stable parent here. By stopping the game of pretend you are completely DB. The sunlight of truth causes the night crawlers to wince with light exposure. They can not bear it.

V

[u-turn]

Thanks zeus, sunny, heavy, cali,V. Your input, advice, support is like gold in my pocket. I have stayed away from for a week again because it helps me to not obsess over this, and to not be selfish. I am not a newcomer, and don't want to take the real newcomer's space - and I should be doing better, and should be on a path that I am happy with - but I don't know if I am.

I feel like I am just throwing my hands up and giving up, but I do not see any other path at this time. (I know that sounds like boo hoo - poor me, but that is where I am at).

Zues - as far as a DB coach goes, I know there would be value to this, and I can use all the help I can get to not screw up the parenting issues that are going to happen. Money is going to get quite tight shortly (lame excuse), but I have a lot on my plate right now. May have to hold off on your 10%

W told me she wants to find a family counselor and start working with him/her before we tell the kids. I agreed to this and asked her if she had any ideas on that. She said no. She didn't get back to me, so I sent her four options that I found. She sent back a one word answer picking one.

sunny - I feel that I cannot move on - will not move on without the legal status of ending our marriage. I will not live the life she chose (just being "un-married"). I will not lower myself to that. It is not the road that I want to travel. I do want something better.

It's the first day of summer break today and I feel myself reeling just like I did all of last summer. (every line I write here today has made me well up - I don't want to feel this way any more).

Heavy - I have not left the MBR - not once. She now just finds another place in the house to sleep (now that d15 has friends over at night - very awkward and uncomfortable (she complains of her back hurting a lot (oh well)) I do not intend to leave the house, but I don't know if this is just a game. I do nothing for her and she does nothing for me - great life, right?

I do not envy anyone with younger kids that is going through this. It has to be so much harder. My kids are old enough to see what's going on and question it - they just don't and I don't know why.

There are no family events going on any more (only dinner every now and then). We will likely start doing separate things with the kids. I get to spend a lot of time with them now that it is summer break.

By regular salary, she makes more than I do right now, both of our names are on the house, so there is not much that I can do financially to push it.

I currently have all of my income going into a separate account and transfer money into the common account when the bills come in (I will pay for 50% of the bills). Now it's becoming complicated, because I am spending a lot of my money on the house (in preparation of selling it) I have to work this out.

Cali - You've summed this up very well. I believe she is going to live this lifestyle whether or not she is married. There is not much I can do about that - so ending my involvement in it would be my step. I don't believe she will ever file for divorce that will have to be my move.

Vanilla - Thank you always for your wisdom - I would like to know what you meant by "I also know that you currently have the resources to achieve that which you need". I KNOW I have the resources to be a good person and good parent - that is all I really need in my life right now.

Every move I make right now seems to anger W which sort of makes me feel alright. Angry about me controlling my money, about time I spend with kids without her, about making plans without her, about me pushing for an end.

Plans for now: continue IC
start preparing house for sale (big one - house needs a roof - can't sell a house with a bad roof).
arrange family counselor
end this madness
work on my business (try to rebuild some burnt bridges)
Get out on my bike
Fish, shoot, and weld with S17 (sounds like great manly stuff)
find something great to do with d15 (that doesn't involve buying her happiness (W is good at that))
Try to make a re-connection with S21

[Vanilla]

U

What do I mean?

It's this:

You are not hiding from the pain of your sitch, you are walking into it not away from it.

You have taken responsibility for yourself and your children.

That which is within you, the knowledge you have gained and the respect for the wisdom of others has opened your higher power to you.

Because you are no longer denying or trying to excuse or control WW then you have taken to yourself the tools you need to succeed as a person and father.

You have started your journey to detachment because that is a key tool you need.

I read the change and hear that in your online voice.

It has begun to shift.

V

[JellyB]

Hi u-turn...I just wanted to stop by and say I was thinking about you...You are doing an outstanding job under extraordinary circumstances. Chin high Mr! You have a lot to be proud of....for now JB xxxx

[u-turn]

Thanks Vanilla - it feels good to hear you say that, but I still feel wobbly walking in that direction. I know it is going to be ok, but still not what I have wanted. But it is the only way I think I can find solace. This R and M is non-existent and unrecognizable at this point anyway.

Thanks for the comforting and building words V - you truly are a great person. I wish I had the wisdom to help others as you have helped me. I read your story and feel so bad that I don't know what to say to you. You are so strong!!!!

Thank you Jelly - I hope you are feeling better. I am a little fearful of telling the kids about what's coming - but we will all persevere.

I spent the day doing some small maintenance projects at home - alone time (not really good). Took inventory around the house of things that need to be done for sale (yikes).

Have appointment set with lawyer for next week. I don't have anyone to get recommendations from, so I just kind of picked one to meet and get some info (it's another starting point though). W has not come through with the family therapist yet (no surprise)

[SunnyB]

U-turn,

Two things: you WILL be fine. The first person that found about BD was my friend/priest/former boss. We sat down to lunch and he looked me in the eye and told me that no matter what happens, I'd be OK. First time I posted here, Georgiabelle told me the same thing. And it's true. I'm fine. You will be, too.

Second, I lived the first seven months after BD with H living in our house, pretending to be the happy family, no one including our kids knowing. They just thought he went to Home Depot a lot......anyway, I would have cut off my right arm not to have to tell the kids. But H insisted, and we did. And it was really hard. But they are OK, too.

Seeing a L is a good step, U-turn. Let us know how it goes.

[HeavyD]

You are doing really well, my virtual hat is off to you!

[u-turn]

Thanks Sunny & Heavy,

I had a good conversation with a friend/client today about me. After new work stuff, I thanked him for not losing my number (I have burnt a lot of bridges and including his). He wondered what the hell happened to me and I told him a little (not about affair, but about my ending marriage) he didn't ask why, but had some great insightful words for me. Has me thinking about going to his church - not so much for spiritual reasons, but maybe more for community and support reasons. I am considering it. He also says I will be ok too. I hear it and have to start believing it.

I feel good about my work again - I can re-build these bridges.

My meeting with lawyer has been postponed until later this week. I am setting one up with another one too (a past client of mine - he is probably more aggressive than what I would like though, but maybe that is what I need)

No appointment with family therapist yet (maybe I should take this on myself too - she said she would though).

W is trying to get me to play into the happy family yet/again. I have been declining invitations from her (this is a bit painful when it involves the kids). I have not refused to have dinner at home with her and the kids - considering that I make it for the kids and myself(though she has refused at times). She is also ramping up venting about work to me - it seems like she is just looking for a friend with an ear - I don't want to be that friend right now. This all just seems so unnatural to me - I don't like to act this way.

I guess this is what everyone calls the gift of time, but I am going to push it along. My anger with her does not seem to be going away.

[u-turn]

Since there really is no dialog between W & I about anything right now aside from some kid things, I feel like I need to write what my intentions are and perhaps some things that we need to work out to move forward.

I have written this but have not sent it. I think it addresses some of the immediate concerns that I have.

If anyone is around today, I would love some input.

I just would like to move this along.

Thanks

W,
We haven't spoken in a while and you said that you felt you couldn't ask me questions. Go ahead and ask - I will answer.

But in the mean time, we need to figure out what bills need to be paid. I am not saying that I will not pay my portion.

-I will transfer money into the common account that will pay for my portion of the house, kids, food, and my direct bills. I will need to see these bills, so I know how much to transfer (so this will not cover other expenses - your entertainment, dates, hourly hotels, birth control pills..... etc.). You may deny that I have contributed to these things, but since you pay for them from our common account I have contributed to your lifestyle. I am through with this.

-We will need to share information about money that is spent on common things (house, kids, food, cars, etc) so we can balance this.

-You do not need to buy anything solely for me, I will take care of these things.

-I will continue to be cordial as I have been during this process, but I do not think it is a good idea to go out together as a family. Perhaps we can schedule times with the kids.

-We need to talk about things that need to get done to the house before we sell it. I do not want every item to fall on me, so I would ask for a fair amount of work from you too.

Believe me when I say that this is not what I wanted our lives to look like and this is not easy for me.

u-turn

[u-turn]

So I'm kind of bumping this to get an opinion on sending this ^^^^ to W.

but also,

S21 is having some significant financial and other troubles. He moved out last year, quit school, is kind of wandering, very attached to girlfriend of (10 mo.) lives with her and her family, but has a good summer job now. W is hellbent on trying to get him to move back home right now. Though I want to help S21 in any way I can, I just feel like this is W's way of complicating everything even further and keep me from proceeding with my steps (and yes this does make me feel like I am selfishly thinking about myself). But I feel like the way W & I are living right now is also not a healthy place for him to come back to.

She is also not taking any responsibility in S21's decision to move out. I feel we were a major part of it and W & my issues impacted him more than she will admit.