Going to bed now. She just got in the shower. Had the thought that this might be the last time I ever see her naked. She is beautiful, and I decided to take that sight in with all the pure love I have... and hold onto it.
Tomorrow, she will be sleeping upstairs.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm curious... on these boards, what is the rate of reconciliation using these strategies? How many couples really do come through the affairs, the walking away, the mid-life crises, and emerge together on the other side?
When I employ LRT, I can tell she doesn't like it, but it feels like she's slipping even further away. She's conflicted, but maybe less so as she gets used to my unexpected absences, and the withdrawal of physical affection, finding more comfort in the OW. I try to stay hopeful, but I'm getting the sense that all I'm really doing is just preparing for life without her. Which I have to do anyway, and when I look at her and her selfish, hurtful behavior, that's what I prefer.
Having a tough morning here. I know I'm not alone.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm getting the sense that all I'm really doing is just preparing for life without her. Which I have to do anyway, and when I look at her and her selfish, hurtful behavior, that's what I prefer.
Having a tough morning here. I know I'm not alone.
That's really the thing. I don't have any clue about how often this works. But I know that begging, reasoning, crying, etc didn't and doesn't work. And even if it got her to stay a little while, I don't see how employing those behaviors would lead to a significant change in the M - so we'd be stuck in the same place or right back here a few months later. So I truly believe this is the only way.
As for pushing her away, that's what it feels like. But you're really not. Think about it like you're on a walk together and she's three paces ahead of you. If you stop walking, she might take another 1/3/5/10/100 steps before she realizes you aren't following anymore. That's when it's up to her to decide whether to come back to find you or just keep going. She knows where you are, she knows how to find you. Luckily, you were the love of her life, so it's unlikely she will keep walking forever. Also, luckily, you haven't just been twiddling your thumbs while she was walking - you've been getting stronger, smarter, BETTER. So when she finds you again, she will be able to see those changes and take interest.
Unfortunately, it's a slow [censored] walk. And it sure is hard to stop following.
I'm trying hard to get better, stronger, all those things. But every morning I find it nearly impossible to get out of bed. Mornings are the hardest. That's because we work in the same office, and the thought of going upstairs at 6am to spend hours in the same room with her is too much to bear.
In fact, just being in this house with her - or without her - is challenging. It doesn't feel like home... it's oppressive. Now that I guess the shock is wearing off, the anger and disbelief are being replaced by depression. The reality of staring into a void in the future is painful.
I'm not just losing my wife... I've lost my best friend and closest confidante, will lose this home, will lose my work (can't see continuing to work on this business together for long), losing all our plans for the future, and on top of it all, the kids are moving out in a few weeks to leave this an empty nest. I'm looking at starting over in every facet of my life, and it's absolutely overwhelming to me. I don't really want to live, don't want to die, don't want to work, don't want not to work, don't want to get up, don't want to stay in bed... I just can't believe how quickly my world is falling apart.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Stop with that stinkin' thinkin'! It does not do you any good. Stop those thoughts...for real.
Are you able to work out of the house with your laptop? If I were you, I'd get out of the house more often. Go to the local cafe, or library and park your stuff there.
As for myself, I pretty much can work anywhere in the country provided that I have Internet or WiFi connections.
Wonka, I do frequent this open work space area here in town that's pretty awesome for people like us. It's the hours till the place opens that are tough!
I am going there around 3 this afternoon, so that I can leave the house before she leaves for her "date." Do not want her to leave me here while she goes off to do this thing. Psychologically throws her off a bit when I do this sort of thing, I know.
I'm a little better now, since a friend took me to lunch... another chance to leave unannounced. She called for me when I got back, just to make sure it was me, I guess.
Tonight is going to be very hard. Another friend is meeting me for drinks, and when I come home, I will post a note on the locked bedroom door informing her that she is, for now, not welcome in our bed.
I have to go upstairs and work on the big computer now, though. Ugh.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Kick her out of your bed! No note, just lock the door. Does she have a key? Make no bones about it, she is out as long as she continues this disrespctful behavior.
Period!
As for the depession part, yes, it is part o the process. The mornings are the worst for me as well. Inertia is linked with depression, force yourself to get our of bed, take a shower, brush the teeth, put on the makeup and get moving. Go anywhere there is a wi-fi connection and do your work there - public library, starbucks, college library, Panera's anywhere.
If W questions why you are moving her stuff out of the MBR, you can say this (you can change to fit your style) to her:
"I prefer that you not sleep in the MBR given your recent contacts with OW. It is inappropriate and disrespectful. I am sure you can understand my position and I ask that you please respect it. Thanks."
You asked about my story. Here's the Cliff Notes version.
I got hit by MLC and BD'd Ms. Wonka on her birthday in 2003. Then she sought support from an old college friend that went into the EA and PA territory. Ms. Wonka moved out of our house a year later and in with the OW. That's that. Been nearly 10 years since she's moved out and our house was sold a few years later.
I am a Success Story...I've grown and evolved tremendously over the past 10 years. The new girl that I have the hots for is getting the benefits of a new, improved Wonka 2.0. (yeah, Cali...here's your royalty check for that 2.0 trademark infringement )
Thanks HeavyD. I know you've been slogging through for a long time. I appreciate the encouragement and the inspiration.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hey Wonka... she won't question why. I tried to move her out last week sometime, and maybe I forgot to lock the door. She said she didn't want to move out of our room until the boys leave for their own place in a few weeks. So she knows the day is coming. I'm just going to be the one who calls the shots.
Nice to hear you're a success story. I, however, am really put off by the idea of ever dating again. If the committed love of my life, for the rest of my life, could do this to me on a dime, then I'm not willing to risk going down this road with someone else. I've had enough serial monogamy - monogamy at least until you get cheated on.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
(yeah, Cali...here's your royalty check for that 2.0 trademark infringement 
)