I'm not surprised that you are miserable. You are giving your wife way too much head space w/o paying any rent. I realize you are very new to the game of separation, but you've got to start trying to focus on other things. Don't think for one minute she doesn't know what you are feeling and doing. She knows you so very well and she also knows that you are going to backslide because you aren't strong enough to leave things well enough alone. Prove her wrong. Show her that you are a strong, able-bodied man who can live on his own, do things on his own and go out and enjoy life a bit. Nothing says you need to have a date on your arm. Go to the movies, café, library, etc. In other words, you need to start GALing, one step at a time. Did you get that rubber band I told you to get? Well, if you didn't, you better get it and start snapping it.
As for your son's comment, he's a child and children do say some of the cutest things and don't think for one minute your wife didn't take notice of the comment. Will it change her mind, nope.
So, what's on your agenda today? Work for part of the day and then spending time w/the kids? Have you thought about what you are going to do w/them this afternoon? Make a plan and take them OUT for a bit. Give your wife something to think about when you do this. Let her see that you and the kiddies are having a blast OUT in the world.
Now, get that rubber band and snap it to remind you that there is more to life than fretting over your wife.
Job you couldn't be more right from what you said about her "knowing I will backslide".
When we talked two days ago and I asked if I promised to leave her alone for two months and could we possibly consider trying to reconcile she changed her tune from I'm done and filing to I will think about it.
She's testing me I think. She's waiting for me to slip up. To call her or text her to talk about us. To ask if she's really thinking about it. I have to prove her wrong especially in this area.
You have a challenge and if you really put your mind to it, you can beat this challenge. When the two months are up, do not have any discussions about the relationship or divorce. Let it go. Show this woman that you are a man who can meet the challenge and take it far and beyond what he says he will do.
The changes you make have to become permanent. The changes are for YOU and they are not being made to win her back. She will test you to see if you have really changed or if you are trying to manipulate her into thinking you've truly changed.
You can do this...but you need to make up your mind that you are going to do it and stick to your word.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think that the biggest thing she will be looking out now is: can I leave her alone for two months like I promised and stick to kids and finances. And during that time can I remain kind and keep showing positive change.
I don't know how many times we all can say the same thing. This IS NOT THE BIGGEST THING. The biggest thing is you getting your own life and not focusing on what she wants. You can't do something with the thought that she might be watching. You can't TRICK her. You can't MANIPULATE her. You can't CONTROL her. If you make changes to try to get your marriage back, they won't last or you'll find yourself unhappy with who you've become.
THIS PROCESS IS FOR YOU.
The purpose is to become a better you and then see if your M will work. It is not about becoming the person your W thinks she wants to be married to.
I think that you're getting a lot of great advice, but the tenor of your posts is still all about your W. This isn't a "I'm going to leave my wife alone for the next 58 days as a challenge to myself." It is "I'm going to do something to make myself a better person every day". And the hope is that in 58, 98, or 908 days, your W will notice and accept who you've become as her new partner.
Now, yes, leaving her alone for 58 days is important. And you should do that. But I'm guessing if you stroll up to her place on day 59 and say "I did it, let's talk" and haven't REALLY put in the other work, you are not going to get the results you are looking for.
Matt. Working in me is getting back to my pre-depression self. That's it. That is my "self improvement" and my self focus. That is who I need to be no matter how this shakes out.
Day two was successful. Still at my house with the kids. She'll be back so and I'll leave. Left her the hell alone accept for kids and finances.
Started my increased dose of anti depressants this week.
Ate 3 times today
Worked. Had fun with my kids. Worked out.
I have a strange sense of calm this evening that I haven't felt yet. Like I'm realizing that I have to let her go. At least in my mind....
Matt. Working in me is getting back to my pre-depression self. That's it. That is my "self improvement" and my self focus. That is who I need to be no matter how this shakes out.
Why stop there...how bout shooting for an even better you, someone you've always dreamed you could be, do stuff you never had time or energy for!
Ok guys. Day #2 in the books. I was miserable when I woke up this morning but as the day went on today was easier than yesterday.
Went to work. Worked out. Ate 3 times (I've lost like 10 pounds in 2 months and I'm a thin guy so this is not a good thing).
DBing was successful today. I really started to think about the fact that I can be ok without her. Do I totally believe it yet? No. But I felt an odd sense of comfort as the day wore on.
I've decided that my self improvement does not need to be complicated. I simply am working toward being the pre-depression me. And as Matt pointed out, take it even further
Here are a couple of interesting developments from my W's behavior today that took me by surprise. Now I'm not overly excited so please don't think I am. But I wanted to share these with the board.
First was when she texted me while I was at work and asked what time I would be over. We had already discussed it 2 days ago so I answered back that "We already decided I would be there from 4-730. I'm still at work".
And to my surprise she responded with an "I'm sorry. I must have forgotten". Apology is very out of character.
Then, when I got there this afternoon, I had told her a few days ago I would take care of the lawn today which is something I've been doing to help out (just because it's a normal behavior of the old me). So before she leaves she says to me "I know you said you'd cut the lawn but I don't care if you do or not".
So after she left, I replaced the spool on the weed wacker which needed replacing, mowed the front and back and did the trimming. Then I played with the kids, made dinner, played some more etc all the way till bedtime for the squirts.
Then I notice that 730 comes and goes. And I'm thinking to myself that she's just staying out past our agreed upon time to test me to see if I say something. Around 750 to my surprise I get a text from her. She had gone to the beach to read for the afternoon. She texted "I'm sorry. It is so light out I didn't realize what time it was. I'll be home in 15 minutes". Again, an out of character apology. So I just go about my business and don't even answer the text.
Then she gets home and I walk out of the house to meet her outside before I go just to say goodbye. Again she apologizes for being late. I handle it with class and a smile and say no big deal. So I walk her to the door and kind of give her a rundown on some things about the kids. And I tell her that I replaced the spool....she looks taken aback in a good way and says that the wire wasn't the right size (obviously she had tried). So I winked at her and said I got it to work. She looked pleasantly surprised.
Then here is the kicker....she starts a conversation with me asking me if I liked the flowers that were out front that her and the kids had picked up at home depot. So we have a light little chat about that. And then before I leave she thanks me for cutting the lawn.
Then a pleasant goodnight from me and I leave.
I almost fell over at the apologies and the fact that she initiated a small conversation with me.
