The Five Balls

[essjay]

Hi ForeverYoung
I want to thank you for taking the time to stop in and offer me your thoughts on my situation. It means a lot to me when someone with your experience reaches out to help me. What a great place this board is.
'The Fellowship of The Board' eh - reminds me of a movie I once saw!

I've spent a while reading through all your different threads and what a journey it's been for you!
Your optimism, humour and patience in the face of this adversity is to be admired and a good lesson for me.
Keep on keeping on my friend and I really hope you'll get to where you want to be.
Sending my best wishes to you and following your situation with great interest.

Jay

[ForeverYoung]

So, any update about how these certain "duties" are going?

Very well BF, thanks for asking. Wife wrote out the bills for me this week. I'm not sure what you were thinking.

SJ, you are very welcome. I'm happy if I can help, like so many here have helped me.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi everyone!

I’ve been saying that I needed to do more with the martial arts, since losing my last training partner several months ago. I found a local martial arts school at a reasonable rate and signed up a few weeks back. I’m now training regularly with a nice size group, and there are several others who are at my belt level or above, which is good.

I figure I won’t be Young Forever, so it was either step it up now, or start to lose it. I’ve been enjoying the new challenge and motivation, and the master instructor and other students are very happy to have me in the group! Yay!

The bicycle hobby is still going full speed over here, and I’m even still pedaling to work once or twice a week through our cold winter weather. Last weekend I met up with a local cyclist who I met on a forum. We went out for a ride and enjoyed talking over coffee and snacks afterwards. Likely will meet up again for more fun.

You may have noticed I’ve been cutting back on my time spent on the DB boards (and FB) for a while now. It’s nothing personal, I still love and care for many of you. It’s just something I need to do for me. Take a break and just enjoy life as it comes, not worrying about any marriage issues.

My wife and I are still getting along well, playing house and doing family stuff together. And we are still not intimate. If we ever are going to be again, it has to happen naturally, not forced, so I’m just letting it go.

She continues to exercise regularly, (but not to excess) is healthy and looks good. Has many good days, and a few bad, emotionally. One day in particular last week she came home from work totally frustrated and stressed. Made comments about ending it all. I expressed my sorrow that she had such a tough day, served dinner and then gave her space.

As usual, being in our home calms and relaxes her, and she felt much better after a bit. Even with me there!

Actually, I’d say I’m a big reason why this is so. Me continuing to show love and all that junk. Hopefully she’ll figure things out and start warming up a bit in those special ways that only a wife can, before it’s too late.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you all are doing well too. Life is too short to live it in pain. Bust On!

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

Thanks for the good update. It sounds healthy for both you individually and you together.

I like that you continue to pursue your own interests. You and your wife share a home and a strong, deep friendship and love. I do hope her heart warms to you physically soon but it sounds like she has some issues still to work out.

Do take care and continue to keep us updated from time to time.

Thank you for your help recently during a little blip on my H's and my relationship screen.

We continue to grow closer and I am so glad I didn't overdo my reaction to that one night.

[ForeverYoung]

You are welcome RH, and thank you for all the help you've given and continue to give me! I wish we could meet up again.

Update...

Today my wife and I had it out. She is still in deep turmoil, and not happy with her life or me. She was in tears and said some hurtful things, like how she works way harder than I do, how I have it easier than her, and that I'm "in my own little world". Also that we have no connection and never did.

I validated as best I could, while also expressing my true feelings. My plan is to be open, and tell it how it is. No games, no withholding. What ever happens, happens.

I said that we don't talk enough to have a great connection. Sure, we talk, but mostly trivial day to day stuff, not from the heart. I reminded her that 3 years ago (!) she said she wanted to "be independent" and do things for herself. Also that I told her up front I would give her the space and time she needed.

I said none of this is what I wanted, but that I accepted it... for now.

She told me many of my shortcomings, and how I let her down... stuff I never hear unless we get into relationship talks, which only happens a couple of times a year.

I accepted the criticism that I felt was valid, and stood up for myself if it was not. All while trying to not get into convincing roll. (because that never works) I also told my wife I was doing my best for her, and would continue to for as long as I could.

Afterwards, everything was back to the "new normal"... living as friendly roommates, playing house and doing things for each other. I can't help but believe we both still want each other.

I also can't believe it has been almost 3 years since BD. I often wonder what the future holds.

[uRworthy]

Hey my friend. Sorry you had to hear some hurtful things. Sounds like you handled it in your "FY' way.

She isnt cooked yet, FY. Still depressed. Still in crisis.

I think of you often and hope that things turn around for you one day.

You really are a special man. Wish we could meet up again one day, too.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks UR! I'd love for us to meet up again too.

Yeah, it wasn't fun to hear, but because I can see and feel my wife's personal despair, I didn't take the hurtful comments too personally.

I know I hurt her prior to BD, and I want to be here for her when she is in such pain.

So here I stand. Doing my best by her, and taking care of my own happiness. It's mostly all good. It's all about perspective. I remind myself that no situation is perfect.
-------------------

As we do every weekend, my wife and I visited her elderly, widowed dad. He was excited to view his recent vacation pictures from his new digital camera on our laptop. He showed us some of the latest projects he's working on, and told us about his possible plans to move to a new area.

Later, while we were alone, my wife said to me "Dad always seems to have something to look forward too. I have nothing."

I asked her what she was going to do about that. She said she does't know.

Then we went to a home show, and talked with contractors about doing a master bath remodel. Had lunch and coffee together, and stopped at a dealer and looked at possible fancy new car options.

When we got home she made a nice dinner for us, while I fixed the 4 wheel drive on her aging vehicle. Said good night and went to our own beds. Bust On!

[ForeverYoung]

Hi DB Friends!

It's been a while, so I wanted to post an update.

Things are fairly decent and quite steady in my world but I'm human. So like most humans, I want more. This "more" consists of a greater physical relationship with my wife. I really miss this, and feel like eventually something has to give.

I've been making my desires known, because I need to for my well being... and I can. No walking on eggshells, no STFU.

Bottom line is she is not ready. But I have planted some seeds and will allow them time to grow.

I tried something new (and a bit shocking ) a little while ago that didn't quite "work" as I had hoped... but it also didn't blow anything up... And it did spark a constructive conversation the next day, and more importantly, some movement.

I stressed just how important a physical relationship is to me. Said I didn't want her to be surprised when I could no longer do without.

She says I'm a great guy and she "Loves" me, but is not "attracted" to me and never was. (this "Never was" is actually good to hear, because I know it's not true and can change!)

Knowing she doesn't have an OP, I asked if she thought she'd ever want a physical relationship with a man again. She said probably some day, but she's not looking for anyone now. (this is nothing I didn't already know, but Yay us! Right?)

We live together and talk enough that it's quite apparent to me that she is still in crisis. She still occasionally makes comments of "having nothing", and one time even mentioned about how it was difficult to look in the mirror.

My poor sweetheart! If you only knew how special you are!

But the crisis seems nothing like it was a couple of years ago. There have been some changes for the better... mostly she is not as uncomfortable as she was. So maybe I need to allow moooooore time? All I know is I'm getting itchy, so I'm making it known... constructively.

I do every thing I want, and am generally happy with my life. I just want a little action with my wife again. Honestly, it wouldn't even take that much, honey!

But it's not just about what I want, it's about what my wife wants too. So here we are.

In a few days we will be going away to a luxurious, all inclusive resort together! This is something my wife booked for us through her work (at great discount... we're both cheapskates and our savings keep piling up) The trip will be a chance to relax, have a good time, and get to better know each others thoughts and feelings. I know she is a bit uncomfortable with it because she doesn't want anything physical. My plan is to continue to be myself and let things play out. Wish us well!

Life is all about perspective. It will always be a struggle as long as we see it that way. In her chapter on MLC, Michele tells us we need to “Find our own goodies” while our spouse is out finding themselves. How we do that is completely up to us, but I do know it is very important! If we are struggling, or are not happy, WE need to fix it. No one else can do it for us. Not only will doing this "save" us, but it will make us more attractive too.

Bust On, everyone!

[job]

FY,
She's still baking up and nicely too. Slowly but surely is the way to go. At least she's settling down and has been honest about how she feels right now at the attraction to you. She's still suffering from some depression and hopefully once that lifts she'll feel differently.

I hope that you and your wife will enjoy your time away at the resort. Relax, have fun and best of all, get to know one another again in a different environment.

[Wonka]

Hey FY...my other crush!

Thanks for the flyby update. I dearly hope, HOPE your W comes around soon.