Journaling: The things is my H wants to be friends, I am not ready for that. I still have a lot of love and emotions for him to "be friends". It hurts not to be able to communicate my day to him with the girls ( though in our M, because I was also so unhappy, I hardly talked about my day).
The NC is necessary for me until I sort myself out and little by little the anxious, stress I feel is starting go away. I want to aim a day where I don't talk about H our interactions and just talk about my plans for the future...
Discussed the same thing with IC this week. My W thinks we can be great friends and co-parents. But it's hard because I don't WANT to be her friend. I want to be her husband, so anything less than that hurts. When the time comes that I don't want to be her husband any more, I'm sure we could be friends again. But until then, it isn't healthy for me.
Matt and HeavyD- Thank you, I was beginning to think that perhaps I was being unreasonable with my interaction with H. H is interacting with me as nothing as happened, business as usual just without the affection or communication of ILU. I don't understand how anyone can brush off away these emotions particularly 18 years of being together, he is in the acceptance stage but surprised and hurt he has moved so quickly to this.
Heavy D, I hear you totally, I feel the same way. H choice has killed me and my family and yeah like u no thanks, it's not what I want.
Co-parenting is very hard. Even harder when living under same roof..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
I doubt very much he is in the acceptance stage. He has just decided in his mind what he thinks he wants and how he believes it will all work out for the best. So he's telling himself it's just like pulling off a bandaid, sure a few troublesome moments of sadness and regret, but easy breezy, and everything will be better now that he can be his own man.
Reality hasn't conflicted with this yet because he knew there would be pangs. But as time passes and his emotions continue to cry out, the greener grass isn't so green...maybe he will come to realize you can't just 'decide' how to feel.
This is a guess as I don't know what's going on inside your H's head. My point was neither do you. Don't believe any of what you hear and only have of what you see.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Zues. Yes you are totally right, I don't know what is going in my H mind at the moment. Funny thing is we would not be in this sitch if we had both opened up (the benefit of hindsight...).
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Agreed that it is hard to say what your H is thinking and feeling, so probably best to not think about it too much. What he thought yesterday, versus what he thought today, versus what he will think tomorrow could all be different.
While I perceive that things are taking a positive turn with my H, I actually have no idea what he is thinking and perceiving. H could very well be thinking "friends". Will really not know until he decides to start sharing his feelings. Until then, staying the course of working on me.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok need advice on how to deal with financial stuff. H emailed me to say that he saw the astronomical mobile bill I had the month he told me he wanted to separate. So his exact words were "I have noted the astronomical mobile bill that you have ready to be processed. For obvious reasons I'll be taking that one on the chin and it'll come out of our join account but I think that it is absolutely fair that any $$$'s over and above any future mobile plan cost is paid for by you out of your personal money"
So how to respond? The fact is all expenses are coming out of our savings joint account. We've never had "personal" money until recently and really H seems to forget that it is OUR money. H has always been 'controlling' about our finances, even though I was the main high income earner until the last 10 months when I decided to go back to university, for a career change.
When we spoke to our separation counsellor about expenses, I listed down mobile expenses has one of them and he agreed. Do I point this to him? and really its a bit childish with regard to paying over the mobile plan because there are other expenses he as that is well over mine eg. H has a bigger car, it costs more $ for fuel. So how is everyone else managing finances before the split of assets? and how to respond with out me boiling over with rage!!!
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
So happened to look up the phone bill of the month H decided to separate and noticed that H had called the 'friend' in the afternoon. They spoke for approximately 3 mins. I had thought H only spoke to her on the weekend when we attended her daughter's party but obviously not.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
The fact is all expenses are coming out of our savings joint account. We've never had "personal" money until recently and really H seems to forget that it is OUR money. H has always been 'controlling' about our finances, even though I was the main high income earner until the last 10 months when I decided to go back to university, for a career change.
When we spoke to our separation counsellor about expenses, I listed down mobile expenses has one of them and he agreed. Do I point this to him? and really its a bit childish with regard to paying over the mobile plan because there are other expenses he as that is well over mine eg. H has a bigger car, it costs more $ for fuel. So how is everyone else managing finances before the split of assets? and how to respond with out me boiling over with rage!!!
On one side is money and being right, on the other is your M and your sanity.
This is the danger of score keeping. You start in with car payments, fuel costs, in his mind I'm sure he's got saved up examples of things he's had to do that have been unfair. You both see things from your own point of view, and start to feel like your partner is betraying you, being insensitive or delusional, etc. The separation process can be brutal, and if handled wrong can destroy any remaining good will between two spouses and propel them into a bitter divorce if you don't stop that path.
In a way this is no different than during the M, in which both sides feel like they gave 110% and their spouse was the unreasonable one. People always ask "how can I demonstrate my changes when we're separating and not talking". Maybe now's a good time to acknowledge your H's point of view is equally valid to yours, let go of your hostility, and not sweat the small stuff. Personally I think you just acknowledge that during a separation you will both have to take some lumps and losses, that you will both feel like you gave too much.
So my reply would be along the lines of: "Thanks for handling the mobile bill. I appreciate you handling that even though you didn't originate all of those charges as it shows your intent to resolve this quickly and amicably. I don't want you to feel taken advantage of on this so I agree that the sooner we can have separate bills and accounts the better. Let me know what you had in mind as to what you took with you and what remained my responsibility. You've been very fair and I value your input, so I'm sure we can find some common ground. Thanks H."
It's funny...if you're trying to earn his trust, pointing out all the ways he's wrong that you're 'putting up with' or 'forgiving' doesn't earn you extra points. The very fact of pointing them out focuses on your differences and is all about score keeping and implied criticism. This doesn't mean you get raked financially and agree with everything he says if he's trying to leave you without a pot to piss in...but let the small stuff go and let him actually walk away with some good feelings.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues - I do not want to play tit for tat with our finances and during our M I was pretty relax on how things were spent. H basically had the reins on our finances. I agree that during a separation, you do feel that you give 110% into the relationship. I know I feel I have and perhaps H does too.
The fact is he has agreed to this arrangement that our separate mobile bills will come out of our joint savings . I don't think pointing out differences is wrong - we are two individuals and really in the end its about give and take.
Last edited by EMO1234; 05/25/1507:11 PM.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
