Old dog seeks new trick 14

[Old Dog]

I want to revisiting this email again before tomorrow

WW - I've arranged to take the children to Suffolk (her brothers) on Sunday, as you know. So I could do with them being back here by 11 please.

Have a good birthday. The children's presents were selected by them, not by me. So hopefully you'll take them in the spirit in which they were intended..

It was half term last week so the kids were off school. WW has lost her job, so they've been there all week yet she 'has arranged' to take the kids to her brothers for half of the bank holiday weekend. The weekend when it is my birthday. I think this is a bit rich. So I want to say 'something like

It was half term last week so you've all been here all week yet you 'have arranged' to take the kids to your brothers for half of the bank holiday weekend. The weekend when it is my birthday. I am not happy about this so next time, when something like this occurs, I expect you to check with me before arbitrarily deciding what will happen.

I really don't now how you expect me to respond to presents from my own children. Of course I will be happy with anything they give me. I am insulted that you think otherwise.

-----

She also left a card and a bottle of tequila from her. I don't want them, I don't want anything from her, I want to leave them behind on the kitchen table when I leave. I realise this is passive aggressive but all the same I don't want them.

I will also be taking the rest of my clothes with me when I go.

Now, my state of mind is deep in non DB land and have simmering anger so someone help, me please. What should I really do?

[Sotto]

What day is your bd OD?? Does her taking them mean they won't be with you for it?

I'm wondering what you hope to achieve with that email. It sounds full of blame and accusation to me. I think it would be best not to send it. In terms of her present, I would put the Tequila in the cupboard where you keep wine & booze & if you don't want the card, enjoy ripping it up at the train station & put it in the bin there.

Blamey sounding emails and passive aggressive gestures won't help your cause. I would much rather you forget about W for now & think about a plan to work on how angry you feel. I hopethis doesn't sound harsh, but I would love to see you move past this 'stuck in anger' mode OD....hope you have a nice birthday :-)

[raliced]

You know - I almost always agree with what Toots posts, but this time I am going to have to respectfully dissent. I think the email needs work but I think the message actually needs to be conveyed. Old Dog and his wife are basically separated without the benefit of any formal child custody arrangement. So the way I see it, there is a need to clarify their informal one.

OD - you see the kids about 4 days a month, right? It seems completely reasonable to me that your wife respect that time. Of course, your boys are at an age when they have their own lives, and of course their wishes should be respected as well. I would approach any communication in that light and with that tone: "Wife - I am seeking to set up some structure to our informal arrangement to avoid misunderstandings".

I do agree about the tequila advice though.....and I would try a second draft of that email that sticks to the business of establishing a plan and loses everything else..

But that's just me......

[Old Dog]

My birthday was last Friday. The purpose of the email was to stand up for myself and push back on her deciding what she wants. And to have a bit of a dig and remind her how angry I am. I really want to put the card back in its envelope and leave it with the tequila to show her I don't want her friendship advances. She is not my friend. This feeling is so strong within me. It's one of the reasons why I have cut off almost all contact.

I guess there's no hurry actually - 72 hour rule alert. I'm not planning on meeting her. I'll drop off the kids at the gate and go. When they've gone I'll go back and get my stuff.

[Old Dog]

I feel I am beginning to come out of my recent slump. I'm not there yet and there'll not doubt be relapses but I hope I will be able to work on me some more.

Thanks for putting up with my neediness people.

[raliced]

The purpose of the email was to stand up for myself and push back on her deciding what she wants. And to have a bit of a dig and remind her how angry I am.

First sentence great! Second one, not so much.

And a Happy Belated Birthday OD.

[Old Dog]

Yup, first sentence great, second sentence - look how miserable I am. Someone make it all right.

And thanks raliced.

[SunnyB]

OD, happy birthday. I wish you peace in the upcoming year.

[Sotto]

Hi OD, belated happy birthday & I second the advice from Raliced. Good for you posting here before sending. I think the two themes are motive and tone. Part of your motive was fine, part not. And best to notice & lose the 'not' part.

So it's okay to respectfully raise a scheduling matter, but not to make 'digs' to 'show' you are still angry. Best to communicate from 'adult state' rather than 'child' if you have read Eric Berne's stuff? A WW probably isn't going to want to reconcile with a 'petulant child'..

Are you going to redraft & post again??

[Old Dog]

Here's my new draft. I have included another bit I haven't mentioned before as WW also emailed me a couple of days ago about the surgeon 'signing off' S15 'for a whole year'.

Thank you for letting me know about "Mr X signing off S15 for a whole year now". I’m unclear about what this means though. I presume it means he's fine but they want to see him in a year? I would also like to know beforehand when S15 is due to go to physio. I will ask S15, but he is unlikely to know. And if there is a nearer one than Addenbrookes?

With regard to this weekend, you stated you arranged to take the boys to Suffolk but you did not check this with me: you just informed me of this arrangement. I only get a few days each month with them so I would prefer you to check with me if this kind of thing happens again.

I really don't now how you expected me to respond to presents from my own children in any other way than happy with anything they give me. I am disappointed that you think otherwise.

OD trying to climb back on the DB train.