Hello. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on my situation. Quick background is wife and I are 44, married 13 years, together 22 years, two great boys age 9 & 6.
About a year and half ago, I noticed my wife being more distant and she was gone more often to her equestrian hobby. She also started talking to a counselor as she wasn't as happy as she thought she should be. I gave her some space, initially didn't fuss about her being gone more, as I thought it was a phase she was working through. After a couple months of seeing my in-laws at the end if the day more often than my wife, I did say that I was growing tired of not seeing her as much. She responded that she was avoiding me, tired of walking on eggshells etc. This really hurt and got my attention. I stated that we couldn't have positive interactions if she wasnt home. Got so bad that kids would make comments about her being gone so much and would beg her to stay home some nights but she would head out the door anyways.
I really stepped up my efforts as I thought she was going through a phase, though I was worried about her, as seeming lost and selfish are a bad combination. Then late July she drops the divorce on me. I was devastated and could not wrap my mind around what was going on. Our relationship had problems but divorce was never in my toolbox.
I was in shock but really picking up my efforts to change the outcome of this. We went to couples therapy but she wasn't into it and keeps insisting on divorce. Then a week before Christmas I get an email from another mans spouse that her husband and my wife are having an affair. She initially dances around but next day comes clean, sort if. Was still lying even when pretending to come clean. I was devastated again. I told her that if she cared at all about her family or kids that she needed to end this. She wouldn't.
Within a couple weeks of me finding out about affair, she has purchased a home (or more specifically her dad and step mom have purchased - I think, I'm not entirely clear on who did other than it wasn't out of our funds).
While this is going on, I learn that this guy is married but starting a divorce, has a young daughter around age 4, and that his wife he is leaving is pregnant with his baby, and that he has had multiple affairs, typically with married women.
Fast forward to now and my wife filed papers, is living in this house, and other guy is living there. We are sharing time with kids. She knows that introducing kids to significant other right away is not best choice but selfishness prevails again. I tried my hand that courts would be appalled at boyfriend staying over but the system failed me, and I currently have less than 50% of time with my kids. Kids seem to be handling all this OK but it has to affect them in some manner that none of us will know about for years.
I am skipping over the multitude of slimy lies and behavior. I don't know wtf has happened to my wife. My family is most important thing I will ever accomplish and I can't imagine voluntarily reducing my time with my kids via divorce. And to get involved with this guy and play a role in the demise of someone else's family? I'm just in shock at her behavior and she doesn't seem to think any part if it is a big deal. She us very full of herself right now and nothing seems to bother her. While I in the other hand am wrestling with being a part-time presence in my boys life, and still in shock at what she has proven to be capable of in terms of typical decency and morals. Not the same person I married or had children with. I'm disgusted and angry but also a bit worried about her. Its tough to flip off that switch with someone you've spent half your life with. I'm skipping over many of the ugly details but this us the gust if it. So many things to wrestle with in this, but I am mist at peace with it when I do have the kids; they are beyond great kids and I hope to keep it that way despite the really rotten circumstances our family is in.
Divorce won't be final for a few months yet. Still trying to figure my wife out, though I don't suspect I ever will be able to. Thanks for giving me another outlet to vent. Divorce is exhausting and so much worse than I had ever imagined.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I don't have much to add but you have come to the right place. If you haven't, you should read DB or DR so you can understand the advice you'll receive. Keep posting and you will learn so much about yourself.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
hope567 Sorry you have to be here, but you are among friends. Theres not much you can really do about her at this point, not while shes in an active A. You can use this time to work on yourself though. Did she have any complaints toward you, minor or major, that you can think of? Many times it would look like nagging, but theres bits of truth within it that indicated places we can work on within ourselves.
There may have been some unmet emotional needs present in your M that may have led up to her being susceptible to looking for them in other places. This doesn't mean you are responsible for her actions or the A, just that you both contributed to the M in a way that could lead up to those things being possible.
Some things you cant, and shouldn't be trying to fix right now(mostly interactions with her), but its still good to understand what they may have been for the future. An example would be if she wanted you to show her more affection or scheduling date nights. Then it would have been good, now since shes checked out of the M it will only look like pursuing.
This is a very difficult situation so its very important to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, GAL, exercise, read all you can. The links at the beginning of your thread are full of very useful information.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
So surreal - I just dropped off the kids at her house, and at same time the other guys spouse is picking up her child. What alternate universe have I landed in?! Any advice for dealing with the OM spending time with my kids? He is completely not worthy of knowing them. And I can't even wrap my mind around what this will do to my kids long term - another selfish choice by my wife and this guy.
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
I had dropped her as a Facebook friend months ago when I found out about the affair. She recently sent me a Facebook friend request. Thoughts? Thanks.
Me44 WAW44 T22 M13 S10 S6 BD Aug 2014 PA Dec 2014;OM is divorcing,one D4, one S due Feb 2015 with Stbx wife OM moves in with WAW Jan 2015 WAW file divorce Mar 2015 50/50 custody settled July 2015
So surreal - I just dropped off the kids at her house, and at same time the other guys spouse is picking up her child. What alternate universe have I landed in?! Any advice for dealing with the OM spending time with my kids? He is completely not worthy of knowing them. And I can't even wrap my mind around what this will do to my kids long term - another selfish choice by my wife and this guy.
Wow. I feel for you. I'm sure I may be in this spot in the future, but I just can't imagine it.
Honestly, there's nothing I can really say, but really follow the links in cadet's intro post. Really use this time to focus on you. If you make yourself stronger, more self-assured and the person you want to be, you can't lose even if your W doesn't see it.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can only imagine the turmoil you are going through right now. The shock you are feeling, as you said, it's all surreal.
You need to start taking care of yourself right now. Way too much has happened in a short period of time and you need to collect and reflect and that takes time.
