Detachiment, we can do it! (Smothy 4)

[Pyrite]

Just had a good cry, now feel an overwhelming urge to contact H to apologise for the hurt I have put him through, to reach out to him.

I know this is probably a bad move so will write a letter to him instead. and will not send it.

Thank you, Bob for praying for me tonight. I will add you to my prayers too.

Zues, I don't feel that I am on the right road, my progress is so so slow. I feel low about my situation every day. I am not having a pity party, just reflection on how I am feeling.

don't call - you will regret it. especially at this juncture.

I am not surprised one little bit hat this gets harder as approach you approach going home. it must make it much harder, all over again.

you are on the right road Smothy. if you can see there is road, if you can see one that is more right, even if you are not on it then I think you are heading in the right direction. as i said to you on my thread - stop gauging your progress.

[Huddy]

Writing a letter sounds good. If it all goes to plan, you won't need it, if it doesn't you can decide what to do then.

Good luck petal.

[NDY]

They say that a Dobson esque letter is good therapy. Write it. Edit it. Start it again if you need to but don't post it.

[Smothy]

Thank you, Huddy, Pyrite, NDY.

I do feel as though I am going backwards, more anxious etc as I move towards going back to the UK. I have made an appointment to speak to my DB coach and IC later this week which may help to alleviate my anxiety.

I am proud of myself that despite an overwhelming urge to reach out I haven't looked at H's FB or our joint account to see 'what he has been doing and where he has been'.

Pyrite, I do need to stop gauging my progress because it does not help me at all. I read some stories on here and see how strong and how others are moving forward and coping. I think to myself 'why can't i do that?'

[Huddy]

Don't worry, It's OK to get anxious and backslide a bit. You do this at your own pace and how things happen will regulate how you feel at that time.

My W is being an absolute b**** this week, so, I've taken my ring off and effectively disowned her. Is this really somebody I want to be with?

[Smothy]

Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.

[Pyrite]

Thank you, Huddy, Pyrite, NDY.

I do feel as though I am going backwards, more anxious etc as I move towards going back to the UK. I have made an appointment to speak to my DB coach and IC later this week which may help to alleviate my anxiety.

I am proud of myself that despite an overwhelming urge to reach out I haven't looked at H's FB or our joint account to see 'what he has been doing and where he has been'.

Pyrite, I do need to stop gauging my progress because it does not help me at all. I read some stories on here and see how strong and how others are moving forward and coping. I think to myself 'why can't i do that?'

I dont doubt that most people if not all would backslide in your sitch and heading home. so take heart.

be proud of that. Do you think it has got easier?

Dont compare yourself to others. Sitch is so different between us that you just can't. And this is totally aside from the very real possibility that people DONT post about their failures as much their successes, AND/OR their successes are exaggerated - everyone else - not accusing anyone of anything here just pointing out the possibility.

The personality of the poster has to be taken into account. And this is in now way a criticism of your personality at all - again just pointing out why other posts might seem "different". Your perception of these posts as well. You are scoring your progress, consider it low and so focusing on the good points in others and how you are falling short.

And you Smothy are not even at home. Dont underestimate this. This is why it is starting again. It is symbolically BD all over again. Go easy on yourself. Please. Give yourself permission to be a mess.

[Pyrite]

Just read what i have written and it has hit me that I want to see some 'care' from H when I get back to the UK. In my head, if nothing has changed, the day I board the plane to my next post abroad is when I will be done.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think the 7 weeks will be crucial for us, in how we move forward individually? Together? and that's one of the reason I was reluctant about looking to go away. We have not been in each other's presence for over 6 months. I know that I don't want to and can't be friends. H says that's what he wants us to be, It will be up to me and he will respect my decision.

Be very careful Smothy. I hope the best for you, but I am cautious/ skeptical. You have already been served. You have said several times that he avoids conflict. BD and the 1st few weeks was the biggest "conflict" i have ever experienced by many many orders of magnitude.

i'm not obsessive about avoiding conflict, but in hindsight, I wish my W was and did this from OS. I had serious health issues as a result of living at ground zero.

You still have to be the strongest, healthiest Smothy when you get back - so dont ....take a break from DBing.

[Smothy]

I am sorry, Pyrite. I don't understand what you mean by this. Please can you explain. I am all over the place. It does feel I am back to square one again! Anxiety, nervousness, fear!! :-(

[Pyrite]

sure - which post or which part. busy with kids and getting ready for party but will do my best - nothing bad Smothy - dont sweat it if I dont get back to you. just telling you AGAIN - go easy on yourself