Absolutely with the day by day thing. Thinking ahead in months probably doesn't help. But thinking of tomorrow and the weekend is perfect. And next week will take care of itself when it arrives. No need to think that far ahead yet.....you can do this.....:-)
Thank you Toots. I have to take it one day at a time. That's the only way I can mentally do this.
Any advice from ladies out there who have been on the other end would be greatly appreciated. I'm not dishonest. I know what I did but there was so much more that led up to that. So many circumstances that both of us contributed to.
I need to regain her trust. That has to be step one for me. I swear that I'm being genuine. My depression is under control. I take meds. I'm not in a mental fog.
I know exactly how your wife feels. My H had an EA and a physical affair. Trust?? It will be awhile for your wife to trust you again. Trust is not given, it is earned. My H's EA happened 5 years ago and his PA happened 4 years ago. Do I trust him today? NO, because he hasn't earned it. Does he suffer from depression? Yes. But did he do anything about that? No.
My D ask us each week, when can Daddy move back home? I just reply, honey we are working on it. But I want to say, Mommy is working on because I don't see anything he has done.
Get the appropriate help for your depression, seek IC and just focus on yourself. Be transparent with her.
Hope. I love her. I want her to realize that I am not who she thinks I am.
Then stop BEING who she thinks you are. She doesn't want to be told that you're not that guy. She wants to SEE that you're not that guy. And she wants to see it CONSISTENTLY. You can't not be that guy for a week, say "look, I'm changed" and expect her to buy it.
Also did you ever think that maybe your wife is depressed? And use your knowledge of what you did to see that she may be doing the same thing?
I see it quite clearly.
Cadet what do you see clearly? That she is depressed and having knowledge of what I did and how I acted during my depression to see that she may be doing the same thing: shutting herself off from me etc.....
Also did you ever think that maybe your wife is depressed? And use your knowledge of what you did to see that she may be doing the same thing?
I see it quite clearly.
Cadet what do you see clearly? That she is depressed and having knowledge of what I did and how I acted during my depression to see that she may be doing the same thing: shutting herself off from me etc.....
YES
Ok. So you are seeing quite clearly that she is experiencing depression.
You've been give excellent advice by all. Dbing isn't about winning your wife back. It's a tool that will help YOU. It's used every day in the world around you and yes, it can help you become a better person if you don't rush the process.
Keep the focus on YOU and your children. The more you focus on your wife, the less time you have to focus on you and those things that you need to do to help you regain your strength and appeal. This is YOUR time to work on those hobbies and projects that you've left sitting in the dark corner.
Trust is earned, not a given. The snooping was another deal breaker w/her and until you stop doing that and watching her every move, she's going to consider you a shady man. She knows you love her...that's a given, so you don't need to tell her that all of the time. What you do need to do is show her that you can live your life with or without her in it. Show her that you can carry on and do things w/your children with or without her participating. Take the kids out for ice cream or a hike. Start doing some fun things w/them now that summer is almost here. Get back to doing the things that you use to love to do. I understand you don't feel like doing them...but it's one step at a time here and even if you take a hike, that's a start.
Newbies come here and live on the forum. That's not getting a life. There comes a time when you need to carve out some "me" time and get w/it in the real world. Set aside some time for here and take the rest of the time to start going out into the real world. You need to around other humans some to alleviate that anxiety. Too much alone time isn't good for anyone.
Actions speak louder than words. Start living your life for YOU. When you become a more relaxed, confident and contented man, you will become more attractive to your wife. One thing you do need to remember, DBing is for YOU. It doesn't work quickly and it does take time for you or anyone else to master detachment and GAL. What has happened in your family will not be repaired in a week, a month or possible 6 months. It took a while to get where it is today, therefore it is going to take a while to repair it, if you follow the 37 steps that Sandi has out there as well as try not rush the process.
Keep the focus on YOU.
P.S. We all make mistakes and have backslides...but if you learn from them, you will be ahead of the game the next time you are tempted to try them again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If she is experiencing depression, that is for her to figure out. If you are thinking of telling her this...don't! She will not appreciate you trying to diagnose her problems. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, she will need to hit bottom and order to rise and that means, she will need to so bad that she will eventually seek professional help.
You have to remember that you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You have absolutely no control over how she feels or what she does w/her life right now. You have to let her go and experience whatever she thinks she needs to do to heal herself. The only person you have control over is yourself and that's why we emphasize "keeping the focus on you".
So, my question to you today is: What are your plans for the holiday weekend? A hike, a drive, spending time w/your children? Maybe taking them out to McD's for dinner or pizza? It's time to start taking them out and away from the home so that she begins to question why she's not being invited. Why? How can she miss you if you are there? She can't. When something isn't work, try something new, i.e., start taking the kids out of the home for activities.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had an ok day so far today. All the advice is spot on. I think that I have to accept that what she believes is her reality. That she is telling me the "truth" as she sees it.
I think trying to analyze it or trying to figure out if she is lying or what's going on is counterproductive. I've seen enough from her to finally realize that what she is telling me about everything is really how it is from her perspective.
That being said. I know that I am not a liar. I know I'm a good man. I'm a good father. I love my wife dearly and would give her the best years if she chooses to participate.
But that choice must be hers. I need to love her from a distance. Treat her kindly and with respect. Work on detaching and stop being co dependent. Continue to be the best man, father and husband I am capable of being and let her decide in her way and on her timeframe.
I'm having a hard time accepting all of this but there is no other way.
I need to make my behavior consistent for me. If she follows, that is on her.
