All I do is work. Spend time with my kids (which I love) and spend all my free time on this forum and think about how I can get her back.
That is the truth. It is all I think about.
I really think this is your problem. You have to start doing things for YOU. Your W fell in love with the musician, the golfer, the person you WERE. She's clearly NOT in love with the person you are now.
It's not selfish to start thinking about yourself. It's HEALTHY. You need to take up some hobbies - whether it's music, golf, knitting, or underwater basket weaving. SOMETHING. You need to detach from your W and get a life outside of her and your family.
This was the analogy that really struck me when I first got here - if you have something hanging on to your leg, you are going to shake your leg to get it off. What if the thing clings harder? You SHAKE harder. That's what's happening with you! Your wife tried to shake you, but you are clinging harder. So now she's SHAKING harder. Either way, this will end with you free of her leg - but if you do this right and follow the process, she may decide to pick you up later.
Stop planning on how to get her back. She is going to come back because she wants to come back. You can't prod her... beg her... plead with her... Well, you could but it would be pointless and counterproductive.
Work on you. Work on your mental image of yourself. Work to be the man you want to be. Be the best Dad you can. Be the man that only a fool would want to leave.
Quit beating yourself up. That's our job, dammit!
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Yea BE, start DOING something. You just named two.
Do them, even if you do them thinking about how awful your situation is. It will help.
I've cried multiple times in the surf looking like a complete idiot. Then I'd catch a wave and forget about my W for .00008 of a second. Then the next time it was 1 second. Then it was a minute. Then it was 4 minutes.
That's 4 minutes longer than before I paddled out and I'll take it.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You must realize that what you are going through is what we have all gone through. In the beginning of DB'ing we all acted much the same. The term backslide is universal because we all universally do it.
You have been here a month. Many of us have been here for at least 6 months. DB takes time to learn and you are trying to rush through.
So we start again. Because each time you fall back you find your way to the DB path a little wiser, a little stronger. There is no other way around the learning curve.
DB'ing is about you. Your efforts in DB have been about her.
Let's go back to the principles.
GAL Detach 180
Rethink based on your 1 month of DB experience, backslides and all, what the above 3 are.
For GAL, what one thing can you do that is "creative".
Detach. Let's reframe this. Let go of her BEC. What do you need to let her go?
180. One app that I recommend is called Headspace. It's meditation. I challenge you to do it for 10 days straight.
The above are suggestions. Do you journal BEC? You may want to consider it. The forum is your active resource here BEC.
And lay off the self judgement and let go of yourself.
I'm going to try and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and an opportunity for a fresh start. I have trouble looking ahead and saying "Sh*t, I can't do this for 3 months or 6 months or a year or whatever". But I think I can start fresh tomorrow and literally take it one day at a time.
If I can reach little one day goals they will start to add up.
Tomorrow is work. Don't contact W. FaceTime kids. Work second job. Sleep. Those are tomorrows goals.
Absolutely with the day by day thing. Thinking ahead in months probably doesn't help. But thinking of tomorrow and the weekend is perfect. And next week will take care of itself when it arrives. No need to think that far ahead yet.....you can do this.....:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know exactly how your wife feels. My H had an EA and a physical affair. Trust?? It will be awhile for your wife to trust you again. Trust is not given, it is earned. My H's EA happened 5 years ago and his PA happened 4 years ago. Do I trust him today? NO, because he hasn't earned it. Does he suffer from depression? Yes. But did he do anything about that? No.
My D ask us each week, when can Daddy move back home? I just reply, honey we are working on it. But I want to say, Mommy is working on because I don't see anything he has done.
Get the appropriate help for your depression, seek IC and just focus on yourself. Be transparent with her.
This is so difficult for me guys. My mental makeup makes me my own worst enemy.
YES
I love everyone's advice to focus on your self.
Also did you ever think that maybe your wife is depressed? And use your knowledge of what you did to see that she may be doing the same thing?
I see it quite clearly.
Cadet what do you see clearly? That she is depressed and having knowledge of what I did and how I acted during my depression to see that she may be doing the same thing: shutting herself off from me etc.....
I know exactly how your wife feels. My H had an EA and a physical affair. Trust?? It will be awhile for your wife to trust you again. Trust is not given, it is earned. My H's EA happened 5 years ago and his PA happened 4 years ago. Do I trust him today? NO, because he hasn't earned it. Does he suffer from depression? Yes. But did he do anything about that? No.
My D ask us each week, when can Daddy move back home? I just reply, honey we are working on it. But I want to say, Mommy is working on because I don't see anything he has done.
Get the appropriate help for your depression, seek IC and just focus on yourself. Be transparent with her.
Hope. I'm not a dishonest man. I know what I did was wrong but it was so short lived and I stopped it on my own accord before it ever went "all the way". It literally lasted a week or two with only two meet ups. There was some physical contact but no sex.
This is no excuse but I'm stating facts: I had been trying to reconcile and be closer to my W for more than a year leading up to what I did. I wanted HER. She hadn't had intercourse with me for over 2 years at that point. We would occasionally do "other things" (I'll leave that G rated) but it would be "obligatory" on her part. She would hit me if I tried to touch her during those times. Yell at me....etc.
I'm a good man. I was an excellent husband for a long time and am ready to be one again. Her current reality is not the full truth but I understand that it is her reality and nothing I say can change that.
Hope. I love her. I want her to realize that I am not who she thinks I am.
I want to be transparent with her. I just don't know how I do this. It's frustrating because there was so much she did in her treatment of me throughout our entire relationship that so many people close to our situation have seen.
I'm not the sole "bad guy" here but that is the "reality" I have to work in.
I just don't know how the heck to be successful. I'd really like your continued input and advice because you are on the other side of the coin. Please share with me if you were my W, what would you be looking for? What would be the most effective things I can do.
