Detachiment, we can do it! (Smothy 4)

[Smothy]

Old thread locked

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2570181&page=1

new thread, new outlook.

[Pyrite]

you go girl. hey I just pounded Tulo re: detachment. same old - but maybe i said something in a different way that might help you. i know it helped me to think it/write it.

good luck with the new outlook Smothy

[Smothy]

In less than 4 weeks I will be back in the UK. About 7 weeks after that I will be back abroad. At the moment, I am finding it hard to detach because h servedl me when I was away. I am asking myself these questions lately;

Would it been easier for me if I was in the UK?
Do I want him because H is choosing to walk away?
If he was havering a PA? ( not 100% he isn't)
If he tried S first before rushing I to D?
Told me his reasons verbally for D?
Not ML and told be how much he loves, how beautiful I am before Imy flight
I know we still love each other, but he is actively choosing not to

Am I hinging too much on complete detachment when I go back abroad.

2 x 4 please!!! Or any insights.

[Pyrite]

you won't be completely detached in 4 weeks - so dont set yourself up for that failure. just do the best you can.

dont ask yourself these questions. easier said than done . i ask d4 after the 10th repeat of the same question "what answer would you be satisfied with?".

seeing you have asked them, why not answer them. what would be the best answer to each of them. what if you did try S 1st etc. explore that. what would it mean. what would life be like - really. Then explore the worst answer possible.

one I have asked myself is do i want W because she walked away? In a way yes. NC is supposed to spark this same reaction. BUT - does it go deeper than this. Some days/moments yes, some no. Does it need a definite answer? What will be achieved.

New Order song I posted - "Waiting for that final moment, (when) you say the words (that) I can't say". This is sort of a beautiful sad I think.

Clearly this ^^ implies the answer is yes. And I am tempted to think if you are even asking that question then the answer is yes. Although this doesn't mean that you were not hoping for reconciliation or open to it now. I think the end of my thread I was talking about this. It maybe your next step letting go. I am just starting to see W as a "1-Dimensional" object. (DUCK - her ec comes the 2*4 for me!!).

I mean 1D in the sense that the only dimension to her are her responses/questons with regard to co-parenting. She has no other dimension that intersects my life. Gosh I am so geeky, even my emotional understanding goes back to physics. I could say that every other dimension is orthogonal to my "space". This is mathematically interesting - anyway I digress.

Point is if other dimensions do ever creep back into to the way I see her, the way we interact then this will be because I/we let them. This will only be possible if we avoid becoming bitter and twisted. This will NOT happen unless you forgive him. And this will NOT happen unless you let go. And this will NOT happen unless you detach. The bonus is that you can also grow in all of this.

Respect the process. NOT just the process of recovery or DBing, but the process of grief. Respect it, dont try and change it or circumvent it. Dont fight it, let it wash over you - like the cold air. i think that was you I was talking with about the cold air on my skin, and it takes a long time to lower my body temperature so long as I just let it be cold air on my skin.

[Smothy]

Thanks Pyrite, voice of reason, yet again :-)

Just journaling my thoughts here to the questions above;

In less than 4 weeks I will be back in the UK. About 7 weeks after that I will be back abroad. At the moment, I am finding it hard to detach because h servedl me when I was away. I am asking myself these questions lately;

Would it been easier for me if I was in the UK?
Do I want him because H is choosing to walk away?
If he was havering a PA? ( not 100% he isn't)
If he tried S first before rushing I to D?
Told me his reasons verbally for D?
Not ML and told be how much he loves, how beautiful I am before Imy flight
I know we still love each other, but he is actively choosing not to

Am I hinging too much on complete detachment when I go back abroad.

2 x 4 please!!! Or any insights.

Thank you Pyrite, given me a different perspective and being a voice of reason.

I am just thinking through and journaling the questions I have asked?

1) Yes and No. Yes because we would be able to communicate and give us a chance to see each other. If no communication this would hurt more if I was in the UK.

2) this is a difficult one and one I am grappling with at the moment. Sometimes, I think that it is me wanting to,have him because of control and I don't want him to be with any one else. Other times my love I feel for him overwhelms me, I can feel it physically.

3) if PA, I would leave him to be free with someone else. Would I really detach so easily knowing this, I am so weak where H is concerned. A Man would only leave if there is another woman waiting in the wings for them. Do t they?

4) I would detach and give him a D easier if I knew we BOTH tried everything we could. We were moving towards each other 50/50 H told me in January, so how is that not a good reason to try to get there!

5) telling me verbally would allow me to ask questions to try and understand, see his eyes, body language etc. I think it would allow me to gauge the sincerity of what he is saying. He loves me, he won't do this to my face because he can't bare to see me hurt.

6) this gave me so much hope, then made me suicidal two days later, knowing he was with the woman he had the EA with. A friend told me it was the going away present he wanted to give me as he is a conflict avoider. For me, it was a big slap in the face.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Pyrite, voice of reason, yet again :-)

Thanks Smothy- but just slowing you down. Like most of us your probably trying to get too far too quickly.

2) this is a difficult one and one I am grappling with at the moment. Sometimes, I think that it is me wanting to,have him because of control and I don't want him to be with any one else. Other times my love I feel for him overwhelms me, I can feel it physically.

This is tough. I have been discussing "lines" a bit with Zeus. Actually, it has been a recurring theme throughout my life. (deleted - self-indulgent introspection). It started with what constitutes personality versus personality disorder. Consider "control" for example. At one end of the spectrum is control freak, at the other is survival. Arguably it crosses the line when it becomes unhealthy. You have to define unhealthy then but this probably less daunting a task.

This is still ambiguous though. Your heart is in the right place. Working on the M, having a great life together afterwards, they are all very +ve. But he might not see it that way at all. He might see it as OW is love of his life, his destiny, and as hard as this is he has to follow. So what makes you more right than him? What makes your version the "healthy" way to go.

OK so lets suppose healthy means no one gets hurt, the outcome works out best for all parties. Consider a simple example of a guy ordering for his date at a restaurant. there could be a bunch of qualifying conditions here, but lets just suppose that he knows what she (usually) likes, he knows her allergies and sensitivities and he knows the restaurant, so

he orders for her without even consulting her. this would seem rude, arrogant, controlling. he probably figures he is doing the right thing by guaranteeing her something which she will enjoy, but she may be feeling that she wanted the choice for herself. She might feel like something else, even if it is not something which would normally be agreeable to her.

Then consider rather than a restaurant it is a drug deal and again ^^.

So my point is that we can flip our decision in a simple example, deciding whether the control is "warranted" or not, or in the other persons best interests or not, and this goes towards defining whether it is unhealthy or not. So does your controlling impinge, suffocate, dilute or neglect on anyone else's rights to make the decision for themselves.

But I think the issue you are really describing is this is not on your terms. Hence the song. Only you can answer this. In all honesty, I considered on more than one occasion that I should just leave. I raised D 3 years ago, but backtracked on that. I even asked myself if I even loved her. I had to search my soul, but buried deep down I found it. I do love her. BUT is that just famiiarity etc. Is that earth shattering, destiny, soul mate kind of love.

There is a biochemical explanation for everything we feel. love included. I am starting to truly appreciate my mothers words that love is not enough to make a M work.

3) if PA, I would leave him to be free with someone else. Would I really detach so easily knowing this, I am so weak where H is concerned. A Man would only leave if there is another woman waiting in the wings for them. Do t they?

Apparently more true (statistically) for men than women. A woman is more likely to leave without an AP in the wings.

Following confirmation of W's A - detachment didn't follow, but acceptance of the reality of the M breakdown sure did.

4) I would detach and give him a D easier if I knew we BOTH tried everything we could. We were moving towards each other 50/50 H told me in January, so how is that not a good reason to try to get there!

this is what I have always thought - BUT i think reality is that you would still come out the other end "uneven". (You didn't try as hard as me)

5) telling me verbally would allow me to ask questions to try and understand, see his eyes, body language etc. I think it would allow me to gauge the sincerity of what he is saying. He loves me, he won't do this to my face because he can't bare to see me hurt.

yeah - seeing how much truth my W is capable of even 4 months after BD - dont hold your breath.

6) this gave me so much hope, then made me suicidal two days later, knowing he was with the woman he had the EA with. A friend told me it was the going away present he wanted to give me as he is a conflict avoider. For me, it was a big slap in the face.

blow this thought away Smothy.

OK - so here it is - odds of R are against you here. so DETACH. Move on with your own life. The small odds of R are INCREASED by you doing the same thing. So in either case this is what you have to do.

We are labouring under the false impression that we can save the M if we only detach, 180, GAL, NC etc. NO we can't. But these are the things we have to do even if we dont want to save the M. SO this is what we have to do, for US. US wanting to save our M's gives us a huge advantage. Firstly, because we want to save the M we are avoiding the pitfalls of becoming bitter and twisted. Secondly, because we are following detach, 180, GAL, NC etc **AND** we are not heading towards bitter and twisted we are optimising our chances of saving our M.

[Smothy]

I don't know where I am. Instead of getting stronger the closer I am moving to going back to UK, the more anxious and finding detachment harder. I feel lost and uncertain more than ever.

I am itching to check what he is doing, but pleased that I haven't succumbed to that yet. It is out Sons's Birthday on next week followed by our Anniversary a few days later.

Last year I padlocked a love heart lock on one of the railings at the Great Wall of China. How in less than a year it has come to this???

[NDY]

Hi Smothy

I don't know where I am. Instead of getting stronger the closer I am moving to going back to UK, the more anxious and finding detachment harder. I feel lost and uncertain more than ever.

It takes time. Don't expect detachment to happen over night or a couple of weeks. Don't put yourself under any more pressure

I am itching to check what he is doing, but pleased that I haven't succumbed to that yet. It is out Sons's Birthday on next week followed by our Anniversary a few days later.

Yea, snooping is a difficult one to stop. But eventually the temptation will stop, it's part of the detaching process. Your S's birthday is still a special day for HIM. Make it special. As for your anniversary, just treat it like any other day. I know on the inside you will feel like cr*p but externally just be ok. Fake it till you make it.

Last year I padlocked a love heart lock on one of the railings at the Great Wall of China. How in less than a year it has come to this???

Sad, I know. We all have similar stories. My W was sending me s*xy emails on the day she started her PA. Crazy.

[Smothy]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

May be this it a good thing?

[NDY]

Thank you NDY,

I know detachment is the key. I want to let of of the rope, but something holds me on. I should have zero expectations. I am scared once I let go there will be no turning back for me.

May be this it a good thing?

Ah, the fear. Yes it does get a grip of us for a long time. This is where it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. To be detached you need to let go of the fear, but to let go of the fear you need to be detached. It's tough, really tough but once you address one, the other comes easily. I was scared sh!tless at the start. But once I got on an even keel I realised I would be just fine. Once I started BELIEVING that (not the same as saying it) I started to detach. Make sense?

But yes, it is a good thing. Because if you live the rest of your life in constant fear that this will happen again then what one of life is that?

He needs to do the work if he wants you. You need to decide if he deserves you.