I am so happy that you have located a place that works for you and your kids.
I am also very very impressed with your attitude towards your wife. You loving acts of forgiveness and willingness to help her through this dark place are an inspiration to me and I am sure many others on this Board.
Maybe I can incorporate some of the ideas you have into my noggin. That seems to be my biggest stumbling block. Forgiveness .... of myself ..... and of her and the choices she is making right now.....
Forgiveness has been so critical for me to get through this without hating her. And, as others have said on other posts, it really is more for me at this point than for her. Honestly, she is not in a place right now to really care if I forgive her -- she doesn't think she's done or is doing anything wrong right now.
On a related note... She still hasn't opened or read the card I gave her for Mother's Day. On a positive note -- she also hasn't just tossed it in the trash without even opening it... Yet. She may still decide to do that, but for now I am taking it as a positive sign that maybe she will read it since it hasn't gone into the trash yet.
Work is keeping me so incredibly busy -- and it is very challenging work... So I am so grateful for this new position for so many reasons. God has really blessed me with this career move :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Jer, I see positives all around you. You've come so far in a very short period of time. I'm glad the position is challenging and keeping your mind focused on it while you are there. You needed a change of scenery and this was the ideal position for you at this time. New position, new friends, new things to think about will help you along the way.
As for forgiveness...you are correct...it is actually for you and I'm glad you've done this. It's more difficult to be angry and become bitter and hateful over what she's done. Life is far too short and you certainly don't want to walk about playing the victim and being bitter all of the time. Forgiving her says a lot about you and I'm happy to see that you've taken the high road. Your wife is going to end up hating herself at some point for the things she's said and done and she will have to find a way to deal w/those feelings when the time comes. She won't understand how you could forgive her and at that time you can give her your honest answer about that.
As for the card...it may take some time, but she will open it and she will keep it. MLCers tend to keep the things that we give them, i.e., wrapping paper, cards, notes, emails, etc. It's their way of going back and touching on what they had. It's a very thin thread of connection even when we are completely gone. She may toss it in the trash so that you can see it, but it will be removed later, so don't get upset if you see it in the trash. But, I don't think she'll do that.
Continue moving forward. I think you are doing a wonderful job of moving forward and carving out a new life for you and the children. I do hope and pray that one day she'll realize what she lost.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just checked and she still has not opened or read the card... But still not tossed in trash either... This is a bit like CaliGuy has mentioned before -- almost like a science experiment to be observed.
Another observation is that she remains in monster mode right now despite the fact that I am moving out soon and she will have the life and freedom she thinks she wants. I expected she would be overjoyed when I told her I had signed a lease but her attitude has not improved and almost seems worse at times. The good news is that her mood and attitude don't affect me very much if at all now. I know this has more to do with junk going on inside of her than anything I am doing or not doing -- if that wasn't apparent before, it is very apparent now with the impending move.
No other updates right now. Just lots of "to do"s to get done before I am able to move in to the new place at the beginning of next month.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
The card is finally missing. Not seeing it in any of her normal places and did not see it in the trash, but she could have easily put it in her computer bag and tossed it into the trash at work.
Oh well... I did say some really nice things in the card so it's her loss if she tossed it without reading it.
Spending most of my day today doing some packing of my personal items. Just a few weeks left here in the house -- mixed emotions... Will be good to have some space (physical and mental) from her, but so sad that it means breaking our family apart. I hope one day we can be really honest with our kids about what happened here and why I had to move out even though I never wanted to.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Interesting what job said about the MLCr's keeping things.
I would not put a whole lot on that card Jer, it came from a good place in your heart and I would think that she knows if she read it its going to tug at her a bit, ya know .. that whole pressure thing that MLCrs do not care for.
As far as her moods ... again I do think its inline with how they operate, you out of the house was one of the obstacles for her 'happiness' and the closer that gets the more you would think she would be happy ... but reality is probably setting in and adding confusion along with pressure so that euphoria is not there ... most likely frustrating her as nothing she tries is working toward making her happier.
Hang in there Jer.... you are playing this out very well.
Jer, The card is a reminder of what she once had w/you. It makes her feel guilty right now and she doesn't want to feel that way, especially if you wrote some nice things in the card. I would venture to say that the card is somewhere safe at the moment. Some day, she will look at it, especially when she's alone in the house and has a lot of time on her hands.
As for her being happy, she's miserable in many ways. She wants you to move out and yet in the back of her mind, she doesn't. To be perfectly honest, a mad hornet is better to deal w/than a MLCer because you know exactly what you've done to irritate them.
The best thing you can do is continue as you have been and find joy in your children each every day. Right now, she can't stand the fact that you aren't crying, begging and pleading w/her, but most importantly trying to have discussions about the relationship. You aren't giving her any justification for what she's done or continues to do. The best revenge is to live well and be happy.
One day, when your children are older, you, and hopefully your w, will sit down and tell them what happened...but for now, they are so young and truly don't understand what is going in w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is correct that MLCers do HANG on to stuff bought by the LBS and they do read them later. I still have some of that stuff from Ms. Wonka and I do read them from time to time. Trust me, your W has read the card and WON'T comment on it because she doesn't want to get your hopes up or acknowledge you in respect to your R together. She's probably filed away the card somewhere.
I appreciate all of the wisdom from the three of you :-)
I really have no clue what she did with the card... A short while back I did start the process of collecting all of the cards that I could find around the house that I have given her (so I could store them and not let her just throw them away) but have only been able to find cards from the past 2 - 3 years. I've given her SO many cards over the years -- I'm the kind of person who tends to give cards even for "just because" moments and I always write quite a bit in the card... For many years she commented on how much she loved reading my cards because my words were so thoughtful and insightful... But when I couldn't find any older cards I assumed that she'd just eventually tossed them at various points over the years. I couldn't see too much evidence of her being so sentimental that she would keep cards and letters -- unlike myself (I have collections of not only her cards but nearly everything given to me by my grandparents over the years).
This evening I was in our home office and I glanced under her desk and saw a box that hadn't been there the last time I looked... and when I opened it I was surprised to find all of those missing cards, letters, and a "Things I Love About You" book that I wrote in -- all stored in the box along with a ton of cards and letters from her grandparents (who are deceased)... I didn't have much time to look, but it appears to be all of the cards and stuff I gave her over our first 7-8 years together. I seriously thought all of those had been thrown away. This was quite a shock... I have NO clue where she's been storing all of these for all of these years... Of course, she could probably still decide to throw them all away, but my prayer now is that she will choose not to do that and that one day in the future she will take those cards out, read the words I wrote, and realize just how much I really did love her and how much she really did love me.
Aside from all of that... I'm chipping away at my to-do list and getting ready for the move that takes place in just over 2 weeks... Really feeling sad about leaving this house (our home), but looking forward to having the time and space I need to focus on me and the kids.
And -- work is still going great! :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Spent a ton of money this weekend buying stuff for the house I am moving into... Less than two weeks left here. Feels very surreal -- somewhat sad but also looking forward to no longer having to deal with my MLC W on a daily basis.
Will be interesting to see how she tries to exert control over me once I am no longer in this house. Yesterday when I got home from shopping and gave her an update on what I purchased for the new house she acted frustrated about how long it was going to take for the living room set to arrive -- even to point of insisting that I go look at other stores today, pick out something else and cancel the first order! Ummmm... Which one of us is moving into the rental house? Me or her? She even brought it up again today to ask if I'd been able to find anything else today that would ship faster... Seriously?! Oh MLC, what a crazy little thing you are...
So while I do hate the idea of moving out of this home and exposing our kids to the rotation of living between both houses, I will not miss dealing with this person (or thing) who has possessed my W.
It is starting to hit me that I will only see my kids every other week -- and that is going to make me VERY sad -- as crazy as life is with three little kids, they are so precious to me and when we started our family I never dreamed this would happen to us... My W and I were both so committed to never breaking our family apart and I never saw the MLC bomb that was waiting to go off. But it was there... Just ticking away... And now we are here... In this big mess... :-(
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
