I used to manage a sales team. Sales is just brutal, and sometimes sales people would blow of steam to each other about the adversity they were facing. It was a slippery slope. On the one hand you want them to be able to lean on each other and support each other. On the other you don't want to enable a victim mentality.
I talked to my crew about this, and said I was ok with "venting", but not "negativity". Someone on my team asked me the difference. So there I am, faced with explaining the difference between venting and negativity. Before you read on, think about this for a moment.
What I came up with is as follows:
Venting is when the adversity you face exceeds your ability to cope. You boil over into the red zone and have to blow off some steam. Yet you take accountability for your loss of self control, and essentially say "OK universe, I shouldn't be boiling over left and right, I can tell by my negative emotions that I need to change the way I am looking at things here. I will do what I need to do to release some excess and get my stress back to manageable levels, but then I need to reflect and grow so next time I am in that situation I handle it better".
Negativity is when you boil over, but then blame the universe for giving you more than you could handle, and essentially saying "This isn't fair, did you see how much adversity I was given? How am I not going to boil over when that happens. No one can blame me for feeling this way because that really stinks."
I'm not feeling very eloquent tonight, so one more try- essentially negativity is considering boiling over inevitable in the circumstances and waiting for the universe to change to not deal you those cards again. Venting is getting support for a temporary stumble while recognizing that only you can change and trying to grow from the pain to be more capable in the future.
Let me know if this is making any sense.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Interesting Zues, I would say negativity doesn't necessarily mean you get to the boiling point, but it's always poor me, complain, complain, excuse, complain etc. I think negativity is an ongoing attitude without making any effort to change.
Venting on the other hand is boiling over, getting over it, moving on and making the needed changes (if applicable). I say if applicable because sometimes venting is about something that isn't in our control (our H/W) but we need to boil over to let go.
Sorry for the hi-jack, I saw negativity and sparked my interest because I have been accused over the past years of being negative...
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
in the overall situation, the M is over. Life as it was is over, and a new life lies ahead. There are +ves and I need to NOT focus on the -ves. That doesn't detract from the -ves and mean they aren't so bad, it isn't just the way I am looking at them. There is no +ve way of stripping cum stained sheets off your mariatal bed without being insanely chirpy (Oh at least W is having a good time).
So yes, I am being -ve. The only way I can deal with it more productively is too pull back and focus on what I have, and maybe even what I have gained. Minimising the -ves hasn't worked, hating my W has been even less effective. I lost my W a longtime ago. Apart from losing my M the annoying **** now is not coming from my W, and is not really even being directed AT me. So I am trying to ignore it. I could be even more -ve and say that there is nothing I want to learn from it. It is not humility that can be learned, or any other +ve attrbute, it is "how to be a door mat".
The only +ve attribute may be patience.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
So yes, I am being -ve. The only way I can deal with it more productively is too pull back and focus on what I have, and maybe even what I have gained. Minimising the -ves hasn't worked, hating my W has been even less effective. I lost my W a longtime ago. Apart from losing my M the annoying **** now is not coming from my W, and is not really even being directed AT me. So I am trying to ignore it. I could be even more -ve and say that there is nothing I want to learn from it. It is not humility that can be learned, or any other +ve attrbute, it is "how to be a door mat".
My DB coach told me of a woman yesterday that was going through a terrible treatment for a disease, and was in the hospital in a lot of pain for weeks on end. She was visited by her priest, and at one point he asked her "how would you like me to pray for you?" She very wisely replied "Pray that I don't allow my suffering to go to waste."
Coach told me that we all suffer, and that praying for an end of suffering would be pointless, and the best we can hope to do is gain from our experience. I can tell you're trying to do just that. Clearly it is a terrible storm, so I hope you are open to any and all good things that come from it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I am trying Zeus - it hurts - but I am trying to let it pass without holding onto it. I can feel that it would be worse and I will forever be gritting my teeth if I do. Thanks for your support.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
(((Pyrite )))1 I know where you are. Every little thing our spouse does hurts us. So hard to let it go and not attach any thoughts from their behaviour. We overanalysing everything to look for the crumbs and change of heart.
my take on negativity, letting our emotions bring us to a downward spiral. Hard to move forward.
Venting, getting out and letting go of our emotions and allow us to move forward.. Very simplistic, I know.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
thanks for the hug Smothy. I need a real one. i'm not that bad. the afternoon picked up. will see her in a few hours. i'm hoping for a NC change over. i couldn't be bothered putting on ANY front. Well, that isn't exactly true. I am feeling like I just don't care anymore.
Whatever the main grief is/was, she is (unintentionally or not) rubbing my nose in it with her behaviour. You just don't treat people like this. WW brain or not, she doesn't deserve the position of being able to hurt me like this. I am getting used to this position and feel better. But I know when I see her, all might fly out the window again.
(((Smothy)))
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Worthless? No way! Your kids love you, they want to be with you, to them you are priceless.
Sounds like you're having a bit of a downer at the minute. Hang in there. Just keep thinking about how special you are and the kids will appreciate that. If they're getting sad about seeing W with OM, at some point it will kick in.
Where I acome from, if you're the best we say 'top banana'. That's you.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
