Thanks Maybell. I am starting to see. The visit with therapist helped me to focus back on me and our kids. He said, based on what I told him, it was possible my H has Narcissistic Personality and may be bi-polar. I did some reading and it was both heartbreaking uncanny to read the descriptions of how Narcissists treat spouses.
I am feeling stronger but some days are better than others
Thanks Raliced. I do know you are right. Sometimes they just have a way of making you doubt yourself and give you just enough to make you believe it's possible. I'm getting stronger and working through it.
While I dread the upcoming Bahamas trip I know it will help me to detach and see that I can make it.
AHW, I'm pushing you hard, but in my perfect universe he would come home from the Bahamas to find his cr@p in garbage bags on the front porch and you with a divorce petition ready to be served.
Would you be OK with your daughter taking back a guy who blatantly took another woman on a dream vacation?
If not, then why are you permitting yourself to be treated that way? And why are you showing her that it's OK to be treated that way?
If I knew you IRL I would come to your house and hold your hand through giving this abuser THE BOOT.
Last edited by Maybell; 05/07/1507:18 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Would you be OK with your daughter taking back a guy who blatantly took another woman on a dream vacation?
If not, then why are you permitting yourself to be treated that way? And why are you showing her that it's OK to be treated that way?
Hello AHW,
I'm happy to hear you're seeing a therapist. That's a good start.
I can't agree more with Maybell. You deserve much better than this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I also agree with Maybell that it is time to solidly stand up for yourself and your values. I would love to see his stuff packed neatly in the garage with a note to say he can come and get it by X date - if not it's going to the dump..
And you can say to him - fine, go on your trip - but that's the implication H - up to you...
Find your inner power...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I guess it depends on how you look at things. So much has happened in such a short time. My head is spinning. My H said he was definitely going on bahamas trip with OW and I said expect that it will change everything if you do. He proceede to play some serious mind games with me my asking me if OW could borrow my snorkeling gear for the trip. I said NO how could you even ask such a question. Then he said she didn't really need my stuff had her own. So I said why would you ask then. His answer was basically to prove how selfish I was. Turns out she really did need to borrow it because her stuff is in NC with her husband who she doesnt want to know she is going on the trip. so screwed up.
Then we all went to see my daughter at college for a special sorority thing she had asked us to go to. H was a real jerk the whole day and night. All kinds of cruel comments and then Mother's day sucked. So I was pretty much ready for him to get the hell out.
On Tuesday my H informed me that the OW is confirmed by biopsy to have breast cancer. He is very vague about what his intentions are. Says he is not going to abandon us but would be a horrible person if he abandoned his "friend" in her time of need. They left on Wed for bahamas. He texted me that he loved me and thanks for letting him get away. I did not answer any of his texts (4 on Fri/Sat asking how we were, etc then saying I have decided to hate him and he wished I would talk to him) He texted the kids but very superficial. They answered but were very cool as I explained to them what was going on
I spoke with a lawyer by phone today and have an appt. with another tomorrow. As I understand it in order to get him to move out I have to file for a divorce. I know it is what I need to do I just wish I could slow things down a little.
He is back at our cabin. Called to say he made it back and would let me know his plans. He did not come Home. Had to wash his plane, get dinner, feed the chickens. He is exhausted and can't deal with me tonight. Not surprised and a little relieved, but still hurt to be so low on the list of priorities. And I ache for my kids who he feels like he can drop in and out of their lives as he sees fit because he is tired and needs to feed the chickens
sorry for the long post. Have been holding this all in
I'm so sorry to read all of this AH. Your H is being unbelievably blatant. As though he believes you are/should be fine with his ongoing infidelity. That mindset probably isn't going to change any time soon, and I think protection and self-preservation should be uppermost in your mind.
He has nothing good to offer you just now, and wants you to a) be his friend and b) have a permissive attitude towards he and OW.
I think you are absolutely right to progress legal stuff at this stage. Take care ((((AW)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
So my story keeps getting more and more bizarre and, and if possible, even sadder. Have been to 2 lawyers who were both wonderful. I have a firm grasp on what I need to do and how. Now I just need to gather my courage and start the process. A few more steps to take but mostly just need a little time. Everything has happened too fast. Filing for divorce is a little like having to cut off your own leg to save yourself.
Yesterday I got an email from OW telling me she knows I wish she would just disappear but that isn't likely to happen now. It was very long winded and manipulative but telling me that maybe we could all get together and "collaborate" on how to make our situation more manageable. She recognizes he has poor time management skills and difficulty "balancing his in-the-moment wants versus his ongoing responsibilities". Neither of us want him to be in the middle but he chose to "put himself in the middle when he sought and began a relationship with her whilst married to, living with and raising children" with me. She cares very deeply for my H and believes that I do too and she feels badly and thinks it is unnecessarily stressful for me when "he neglects specific obligations or otherwise doesn't communicate effectively and/or completely with me regarding his time with her". "Perhaps we can work together to minimize the negative impact his choice to be in significant, simultaneous relationships with you and me has on his responsibilities as a father". She wanted to see if I want to talk. It's nit her goal to be friends (because of that whole reality thing) etc
I wanted to fire off a two word reply starting with "F" but I ignored the message. When my H came home he said "I understand she sent you a really nice email" He totally did not get why I was livid. And he agreed with her that her going away is "not going to happen!"
Than this afternoon I received another email with the subject "you win"
...by default , cancer takes all Congratulations
I have no idea what that means except that maybe her cancer is more serious and somehow it is my fault. Doesn't change anything for me. My husband still has issues, chose another woman over me and she may die a martyr. Not really a win for me. He called me to ask why I wasn't home when he got there and I said I didn't know he was coming home. He said a few snippy things and when I said I don't want to argue he said " I'm not going to argue with you. I will never let you goad me into an argument again" . I just said sounds like maybe now isn't a good time for us to talk. He came home hasn't had much to say, does appear somewhat sad and is playing some John Denver love song which I assume she sent him
Just all a little more than I can take. Any advice
AHW - I think you know what I am going to say (the same thing I've been saying to you).
But first of all, let me say that I know it's much easier for me to say these things in my position simply reading about them, then it is for you, who has been married to this man for 22 years, to hear them.
What exactly are you trying to save here? You haven't written anything that indicates that this marriage is worth saving. This doesn't appear to be a crisis or an anomaly for your husband - he's been treating you badly for many, many years.
Sometimes, I think its hard to see just how crazy a situation has gotten when we are in the middle of it - but AHW - this is just plain crazy. Stop letting him force his gross OW (who sounds b** s*** crazy, by the way) and other life on you.
I can't really think of anything he could say or do at this point that would make things better, but regardless, he's not going to change his ways without a firm stance by you.
Take your power AHW. You are worth more than this. Your children deserve better than this.
