My story goes like many others before me. W dropped ILYBNILWY 51 days ago. I did all the classic DONT Do's. Nothing worked...Begging, pleading, and neither did every other tactic. Early on I broke many rules as I was new to this. Upon snooping I discovered at the least the proof of an OEA between the W and an ex from HS. I confronted her and demanded she end it or leave, I later learned this doesn't work either. W had no desire to save our 15yr M and all R talks led back to D. I filled for D 2 wks ago in an effort to GAL. I detached, we told the kids, and I focused on selling the house & fixing me.
I also read DB week 2 of my journey but didn't always do a great job with my emotions or sticking to the rules. I have changed my attitude and have been doing all the things I was guilty of neglecting in the past. I know she would struggle to support herself and might be realizing this now. I have been confident, upbeat and keep our communication to a min.
Over the weekend we ML 2x and she cried both times and told me its messing with her head. I asked her out to diner yesterday and to my surprise she said yes. We sadly have not been on a date in 5 plus years. Diner started awkwardly but got better as the night progressed. We had drinks played pool and had a great time. We ML again last night and I can't recall the last time we ML 3 days in a row. I am not pushing or pursuing & she claims the EA is over. I am cautiously optimistic but prepared to move on. W is being nice and although still sleeps in the guest room has not mentioned D in 24 hours. Considering my past mistakes I want to avoid making matters worse. Any words of wisdom on moving forward would be helpful. I want to save my M and FAM but hear the clock ticking on the D.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/12/1509:29 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I really worked on detaching this week. Worked late a few nights and the W would call asking what I was doing or if I was seeing someone. The D conversation came up again but I didn't react. W told me that she works all week at moving on and the weekends when we are together only confuse her. I told her I respected her feelings and would do my best to keep my distance. I find this completely unnatural since I love her. The odd part is we get along and enjoy each other. The weekend is now here and I need to stick to my guns regardless of the short term joy I may get from our relations...I'm in for the long haul.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
In our 180's you have to determine if what you are doing is more of the same. For example, if you were a controlling person, you should give her space. If you abandoned the M, you may want to spend quality time with her as a friend.
I fall into the controlling category. I also tend to be a very results oriented person who will over analyze the little things.
We get along and when together and this is confusing since she is so quick to let me know divorce is the only thing she wants. I am focused on being the person I was when we fell in love but she remains focused on selling the house and moving on. I have found the forum to be helpful when my thoughts drift so any advise is welcome.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
I screwed up today and got into a conversation about the O/M and if she was still texting him. She denied it but was very defensive and refused to discuss it with me. I ended up getting frustrated and speaking my mind which includes guilt trips and blame for the demise of our R.
I just read Sandi's post on wayward wives and its like she lives in my house. I have been great with my 180's and have lost 20lbs. Just as I GAL she [censored] me back in and now I'm going through the pain all over again. Help me off this rollercoaster!
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
What does she do that draws you back in? How does it relate to GAL (you said just as you are GAL).
I think there are about three threads on the wayward wife, if you want to read through them.
A wife is pretty keen on how to draw her H in.....sexually, anyway. It seems a WW knows just what to do to keep him emotionally attached. She also knows how to push his buttons. You are the only one who has the power to control yourself. And speaking of sex, are you still ML to her, since you discovered there is another man in the picture?
Have you read about the last resort technique?
Why did you file for divorce?
Last edited by sandi2; 05/20/1507:15 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The W warms up anytime after I make plans or go out with the guys from work. I have read the LRT and after a week she really responded. I obviously caved in too quickly and she went right back to her wayward ways.
We ML several times a few weeks ago and nothing since. My W assures me the A is over but I have doubts. I suspect they continue to text to some extent but have refrained from snooping as this has caused issues in itself.
I read the Wayward wife threads and will be reading them again to help with backsliding. I filed for divorce because I thought that might wake her up...it did not. Your thread was an awakening and a mirror image of what I am living with but fear it may be too late. Thank you for your insight and for sharing your experience - you provided so many answers to my questions.
Either way I know I must focus on my happiness and that of my children. I choose not to be a victim or held hostage by this person impersonating my W.
Cadet - Thank you & your 100% right. The ride ends today.
Me42 W40 S12 D8 M:15yrs BD 3/27/15 D filed 4/27/15
