And then the other part of my brain says "Wait a second, Kramer. Your wife is being nice and perhaps she is starting to miss you. You don't want to pass up this opportunity".
An opportunity to do what?
To show the fun, spontaneous, and loving person that I was for most of our marriage. To show her that I am not the pessimistic, angry, controlling, and miserable person that I became. To show her what a new R with me could be like.
What she did was reprehensible, selfish, destructive, and downright mean. However, the way I treated her the previous 6 months was horrible, too.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer - don't you have the same opportunity to show that in every interaction you have? Look good, smell good, be positive, etc.
Isn't that part of the LRT/Going Dark techniques? The key in those though is consistency and time for her to trust it. Then, hopefully she starts pursuing you and you'll know she is. Not just general niceities.
Also, in doing it that way, you aren't pursuing. At least that's how I understood the concept.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Krammer's Quote: And then the other part of my brain says "Wait a second, Kramer. Your wife is being nice and perhaps she is starting to miss you. You don't want to pass up this opportunity".
Sandi: An opportunity to do what?
Krammer: To show the fun, spontaneous, and loving person that I was for most of our marriage. To show her that I am not the pessimistic, angry, controlling, and miserable person that I became. To show her what a new R with me could be like.
Previously quoted by Krammer: Keep in mind that she has not given any indication that she has had an epiphany and wants to reconcile. That is all made up in my mind.
Are you suggesting that while trying to detach, you have shown her you were still a pessimistic, angry, controlling, and miserable person? If that is what she is seeing now, you aren't detaching correctly. However, I will bet this is more your emotions speaking.
She's been a little nicer, you think. The male in you says to jump on it. Right? Guess what? Female LBS do the same thing!
The trick is being able to stay away from those old negative traits you had, which is usually harder around those closest to us. Practice, practice, and practice with other people every day. Instead of thinking how badly you want to show her how a new R with you would be great (b/c that takes longer than a quickie opportunity) and think of each day as a new challenge. The more realistic opportunities may come in teaspoon sizes, instead of truck loads, especially right now. Those teaspoon sizes can add up.
One thing about using opportunities, is that you gain her respect. At this point, that is more important than just trying to show how wonderful you are. Know what I mean? Without her respect, you could be a terrific guy and she still wouldn't desire you. First things first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Kramer - don't you have the same opportunity to show that in every interaction you have? Look good, smell good, be positive, etc.
Isn't that part of the LRT/Going Dark techniques? The key in those though is consistency and time for her to trust it. Then, hopefully she starts pursuing you and you'll know she is. Not just general niceities.
Also, in doing it that way, you aren't pursuing. At least that's how I understood the concept.
And that's the point I'm trying to make. We have no kids together. She lives in a separate household across town. We work at different sites and we don't see each other at all. The emails and texts are the only interactions we have. I don't have the opportunity to show her my improvements, other than through these communiques.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I have completely changed my attitude and behavior since the day that she gave me the ILYBINILWY speech on 12/15/2014. Up until that point, I had grown resentful, angry, and felt disrespected. Of course, I eventually found out that she was already involved in her affair since September, which caused her to put walls up and our interactions got worse.
I have made wholesale changes in every facet of my life since 12/15/2014, and that has continued even after she filed for divorce on Jan 9 and moved out at beginning of March. I am going to IC, have a PMA, and have spent more time reconnecting with her adult children. I have only seen her twice in the last 2 months, and was pleasant, upbeat, and respectful during both interactions.
How can I gain her respect if we never see each other or have the opportunity to interact?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
OK, I feel like I fell asleep 6 months ago and woke up in Bizarro World. It was bad enough finding out about my wife’s affair and her filing for divorce and moving out, but the events of the last week are rocking my world.
As you know, she contacted me last week in tears and we spent about 3 hours talking about the affair and what has transpired. She was sorry but did not express remorse or a desire to reconcile. She told me that her OM only wanted to be friends. That story was confirmed by her kids last night. Apparently when she went home from our meetup last week, she cried to them and said the same story.
Since that time, she has been sending me random, superficial texts. Against better judgment, I have been participating and responding in kind. They have all been just friendly and funny things without any substance.
Last night, all of her kids came over for Taco Tuesday, which is something I have been doing with them since the split. As usual, we had a great time together. I sent food home with them, and told them to share it with their mother. Taco Tuesday was always a family event with us over the years. They told me that she wasn’t home, and I assume she is with OM.
I should have left things alone, but of course I sent her a text last night telling her that I sent food home for her, but she wasn’t there. She responded and said thanks, and that she made other plans because all of the kids were with me. She then said she was going to show up next week for Taco Tuesday, followed quickly with another text asking what I would think if she snuck in to my house to see me. I was taken aback, to say the least. I thought she was joking, so I said “Sure, I’ll play along”. Her next message was for me to leave my bedroom door unlocked and she would be by later tonight.
Nearly every part of me screams out that this is NOT a good idea. I don’t know what to make of this, or what it means in the short/long run. Am I now going to become the OM to her OM? Is this her way of getting her foot in the door for possible reconciliation? Is she just playing games with me? Perhaps it was just her drunk texting.
More to come later, I’m sure.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
That has been known to happen before. NOT what you want!
Isn't that what DBing is all about...re-attracting the spouse, right? So I've told Train to become the OW to her H's XOW. It is just the way it is sometimes.
What is the advice from the board on this one? Go with the flow, let the W sneak back in and rekindle a relationship with Kramer? Wonka, are you advocating for Kramer that this is in his best interest? If so, why? I am assuming that this is for sex. Is that what everyone else thinks too? Is it just to talk? I'm seriously confused.
Kramer is that what you want? Does it feel right to you? I guess ultimately you decide what is best for you. What do you want to do?
